Hello Coco : A diary

  • a love spell

    We all know that early part of the relationship when you’re spending so much time together that it puts your entire single-person routine to complete shit. The eating on a strict meal plan, the consistent workouts, nights in doing all your hobbies in one sitting…and overall letting this new exciting dopamine hit take over into a full-fledged love spell.

    I’ve seen this many times before in my life. I’ve seen it in myself and i’ve seen it in friends around me. Being in a new relationship is like having a part time job and with my full-time job, and life obligations on top of it; I’ve been pretty stacked lately.

    Lately, I’ve been trying to navigate my own personal goals and not necessarily prioritizing them above him but doing my best to not forget them and to keep pursuing the small steps forward. those personal goals being staying healthy; maintaining my weight, dancing, eating right, and then there’s paying off this debt.

    Most importantly throughout all of this im trying to keep myself on the ground as much as possible; touching grass and being real with myself and this relationship. one big thing ive been trying to pay attention to most is how i feel when I am around. Not just my heart feelings, but most importantly my body feelings. am I calm? Do i feel regulated? are there any consistent inconsistencies?

    I’ve collected some journal prompts that I’d like to work through here.

    1. After spending time with him i feel…i feel like my cup has been filled. my heart feels full with the amount of connection i’ve had with him in the time we spent together. im still experiencing being tired just due to the shift and going to/from my apartment a lot and perhaps needing a little bit more alone time to sit with myself, but overall I feel happy that I had that time with him.
    2. When something feels off my first instinct is to….get quiet. try to assess what is happening before I say anything. Then when I feel calm and prepared, I communicate what happened and seek to understand first.
    3. since dating him, the parts of me that feel most alive are…my femininity & sexuality – i feel safe in openly expressing who I am as a woman and what I need. I feel most alive in how i express myself and how actively accepting he is of me getting into dancing. I feel desired and loved, which ignites a part of me that feels appreciated to be me.
    4. what patterns are happening – good or challenging? …. when he is upset, he gets quiet and it takes him some time to open up (Holiday party & coco bongo anxiety attack), when he drinks too much he becomes insensitive and self-focused (holiday party & headache night on vacation). He gets defensive sometimes over how I may or may not perceive him. when you give him love and reassurance he comes back 10x. physical touch is his major love language – hand holding, hugs, cuddling, small touches out and about, etc; he’s curious and asks whats on his mind.
    5. what does safety look like on a bad day….this one is still pending.

  • an overwhelm.

    I am in another phase of change in my life and because of it i have been spiraling into insecurities that laid dormant for the last 10 or so months.

    This new relationship I am in is getting serious. He told me that he loved me, introduced me to his family, and we spent thanksgiving together all in the same week. I’m still navigating how I feel but on top of that we’ve been having some misalignments & miscommunications that have me cautious. Last night being the worst one which caused him to walk out of my apartment, send accusatory texts, and flat out say, “You don’t respect me.” We’re having a talk tonight.

    With all of that happening, i’ve been a little outside my body and letting my mind just take control of everything. over analyzing.

    additionally, i started to advocate for my career this year and tell my boss that i wanted to get into HR eventually. Now that I’ve made it real and said it out loud, I find myself self-critiquing how I am at work as I would imagine the Hr team is doing of me – perhaps watching me, seeing if I can make it on their team. the imposter syndrome is telling me that I’m not cut-out. That i’m too impulsive and I’m not super calm and soft spoken like some of the other people on the team. Comparing.

    Luckily enough, past all of these internal monologues, my mind shuts off when I go to dance class. I have an outlet that I need to take advantage of more. I have my writing that I’ve left to the wayside these past few months and I haven’t picked up my book in 2 months at least.

    I’m taking care of myself physically, but emotionally and mentally I’m on these other planets trying to make them make sense in my orbit. Do they belong here? Am I on the write trajectory?

    I keep trying to bring myself back down to earth and touch grass but it’s been difficult lately. I want to control things. I’m torn between the thought of ‘make it happen for yourself’ and ‘let things come to you when it’s right’ and balancing both.

    I’m not sure if my boyfriend will be the long haul considering his conflict resolution skills are lacking, and his emotional intelligence is on a PIP. I’m not sure if I will get into HR or if the roles on that team will even make me happy.

    truth is I’m just uncomfortable in the uncertainty of it all, not so much whether each works out or not. I just want answers, but I know I can’t force it.

  • the subjective dating timeline: a brain dump

    I think I’ve been playing it pretty safe with him. telling myself it’s too soon for a lot of things. he asked to get matching pajamas for photos. I thought to myself ‘that’s what serious couples do’. The first week we got back together he bought us a vacation for Mexico in January (fully refundable, but still). He asked me yesterday if I’d ever want to move in with him like he was gathering signal if I thought this relationship was going serious. a few questions came up the next day around how our animals would co-exist and what that would look like. so, he’s definitely thinking about what our life would look like if we brought it together.

    that isn’t a bad thing – at least I don’t think it is. i feel like feelings are developing quickly between us absolutely. we both acknowledged that this relationship is going very well. We enjoy a lot of the same things, have the same love languages, same values & morals, same ideal futures, we can sit in silence, i feel emotionally regulated around him, and we have really great communication around all topics especially sensitive ones like politics, religion, traumas, etc;.

    Being with him now is much different than before when I also had another relationship via a poly-dynamic. Now that we are exclusive, I get to see him wholly. He is safe, grounded, and comfortable and with that he is the most consistent, affectionate, compassionate, and loving man I know.

    the cherry on top is that we are both so wildly attracted to each other and can’t keep our hands off. we try new things, don’t hesitate to learn about each other’s bodies and what feels good…he fished my Diva ring out of my vagina yesterday after sex (got lodged and I freaked out a bit!), so i would say yeah it’s gotten pretty intimate.

    With all of these beautiful things in mind, I can’t help but to give space to the thoughts in the back of my mind – rightfully so, as I’m trying to protect myself- that Ive only known him for approximately 4.5 months.

    is that enough time to start thinking about these types of things or am I being overly cautious from my prior relationship?

    I will say that the on-set of my last relationship was much different. I remember I would do or say anything for her to like me. I tried really hard and in turn 6 years later, I had lost myself completely to the idea of what I felt I needed to be for her.

    Going into this with him, I feel drastically more confident in myself. I know myself tremendously better than when I was 24. I am 31 now. I have experienced so much and have learned what is and isn’t important to me. How i value my time, what i like to do for myself, and how to hold those boundaries. He respects that and I of course encourage him to do the same.

    There are no butterflies and intense anxiety like I had with her. With him I feel comfortable (most of the time – sometimes, he stares at me and I just don’t know what to do with that). Don’t get me wrong, I feel excitement to see him. I feel really great chemistry and connection. I just don’t feel like my nervous system pays the price for it this go-around.

    Maybe that’s why I find myself leaning into all the love he is giving me, the talks of the future, and what our lives could be like. maybe that’s why i can picture him being the father of my kids and perhaps getting married someday. I think my heart sputters thinking about it out of excitement, and fear that maybe I’m feeling too deeply too soon. That i should be acting ‘smarter’ around my feelings as to not get myself hurt.

    At this point I ask that protector/manager side of myself, ‘when is enough, enough?’ To what degree am I comfortable with you stepping back and letting chips fall where they may?

    I believe I’m doing a great job in Therapy being mindful of data points that he gives me regarding his past, his job, and lots of other things that I have never been exposed to before. He’s had a very very difficult life, filled with trauma, violence, abandonment, and heartache. In no way do these things impact our relationship negatively because he has done so much work for himself, but my heart has to ask the questions before I leap – which is what i’ve been doing lately.

    So yeah, my protectors are at play. He is making me feel so secure. how do I approach balance? how soon is too soon – is there even a timeline when it comes to these things?

    or am i just thinking way too much. I should enjoy this. eat up all this love he is giving me because it feels so fulfilling. stop questioning everything – I mean don’t stop asking questions and being curious – but give the relationships a little extra grace and optimism that all is safe. all is okay. He has not given me any indication that I am not safe and I should honor that.

    most importantly, I’ve done a lot of work over the last year learning how to trust myself all over again. I learned an incredible amount about myself, my heart, my boundaries, attachment, needs, passions, my body and sex, etc; I have done such an excellent job navigating all the people and situations in my life this past year to align with all of these factors – ensuring that they are in alignment, or if not, that I manage them.

    I have come forward to my parents on our relationship; assessing my attachment needs and applying them, I have navigated the relationship with my body – PCOs, cervical cancer cells, birth control, and what sex is supposed to feel like, and I have see people come and go as they were supposed to in the chapters of my life.

    The common theme is that I made all of this happen and I trusted myself that i was making the right choices, or the best choices with the information i had. looking back i truly don’t feel like i made any mistakes and i had my best interest in mind.

    with all of that data in mind, how can i not trust myself with this relationship? i will be okay and i won’t have any regrets because i am moving forward with full transparency, my full heart and the trust that I’ve got me.

    I’ve got me. I wouldn’t let myself compromise or hurt myself for the love of another person again because I’m not her anymore. she is a far away person that I hold dearly in my heart and that is it.

    I am a grown woman now with a voice and a strong one at that. i don’t let people tell me how to feel, how to act, how to ‘be’. i am a full person and deserve a full, whole love that emphasizes all that I am and am growing into.

    With him, I don’t feel lost in myself or in him. I am me, I am grounded, and i am whole.

    so, i’m going to let this unfold naturally without tracking ‘how long’ and more so just being mindful of how the pace feels day by day; ensuring alignment as we go.

  • one horny text later…

    If you didn’t read my last post you definitely should start there. the comparison between then and now, which was just a mere 6 days ago, is wild and I can’t help but laugh

    Sunday morning I reached out to my ex (we will call him Alex) that I broke up with 3 weeks ago.

    “I want you to fuck me. i want you to pick me up and fuck me in your truck” (classy right?)

    We broke it off because I was in a polyamorous relationship with a man i’ve been seeing for 6 months and alex learned pretty late in that he just didn’t feel he could get deeper with me because of that. He didn’t feel he could feel safe and secure knowing there was another person in the picture and He didn’t realize this all until after we broke up. I was incredibly unsure and anxious about where we stood – he was being inconsistent and distant; hot & cold. i couldn’t take it anymore. during our closure conversation, everything came out and i watched him actively process his feelings. he expressed having deeper feelings, but got scared knowing that he would have to share me and thought perhaps I would end up leaving down the road.

    I was heartbroken because i had invested quite a bit of vulnerability and effort into him. after it was all said and done, I reflected that this was the first relationship where i broke up with someone and i really truly didn’t want to do it – i really liked him.

    two weeks after we broke up though and I couldn’t help myself. I laid in bed thinking about our sex life (as I had done many times since we broke it off) and impulsively sent that text. I laughed to myself because this is so me…making jump decisions in the heat of a moment. I prepared myself for no answer and laughed it off as time went by with no response until it finally came through,

    “stop it, i just had a dream that we were fucking in a restaurant.”

    Next thing i knew we made plans for that night. the energy in the text messages that followed until we met up were met with so much flirtation and excitement to see each other. I noticed immediately that he was more expressive in his texts, more bold and daring than ever before.

    i changed my outfit about 50 times before that last text came in, “I’m outside when you’re ready”.

    …

    i take a deep breathe in the elevator on the way down. i wonder what it will be like seeing him after two weeks – will he be himself or a new person that we’ve created for this friends with benefits arrangement. i picture both sides and mentally prepare myself for the latter just in case; feeling my heart drop into my stomach at the thought.

    I step out of the lobby and onto the sidewalk looking both ways for his truck and then I see him standing near his taillight with his hands in the pockets of his cop uniform. my lips immediately tip upward at the look of his usual smile. Relieved, i walk into his arms for a hug and then he pulls away and gives me a quick kiss before opening up the truck door as he usually does. I think i opened this door maybe once on my own and it was because it was raining and we were rushing for cover.

    I do the thing i always do. as he is shutting the door behind me I catch his eyes – though usually i would stick out my tongue, make a funny face or my most appreciative smile – this time i gave him a smile that said, ‘i’ve missed this.’ he returned it right back and my entire insides were squealing watching him smile as he rounded the front of the truck. fuuuuck.

    shit shit shit. this was supposed to be light, friends with benefits, and here I am stupidly wishing he decides to hold my hand like he would always do without fail. he doesn’t and something in my chest sours slightly at the realization.

    As we are catching up, I distract myself with any possible topic that i could muster up that’s relevant to the almost 3 months we’ve spent together – ‘how are the dogs?’ ‘how is work-did you get that promotion?’ ‘how is the family?’, etc;. As he answers, I passively keep reminding myself that we can’t have each other.

    i’m with another man (we’ll call him Gio) in an ethical non-monogamous relationship. Though we are more surface level considering we only see each other for approx 10-12 hours a month, the discomfort of breaking that off is considerable. He told me he loved me 2 months ago and though i don’t believe i can return the feelings considering the nature of our relationship, crushing his (or anyones for that matter) feels really diffiult.

    alex starts to pull into a park. it’s quiet, dark, and maybe has 3 streetlamps and enough trees to be secluded enough from the road. we look at each other and smile before he leans in and we just full-on make out. we fuck in the back of his truck and between the laughs of adjusting and taking each others clothes off while hitting the windows or roof, we’re smiling and he says, ‘i’ve missed you.’

    few moments later, he says ‘lets get taco bell’ and jesus fuck i was on cloud nine. we get dressed and slide back into the front seat with more laughs and even a short competition to see who can get there pants on the fastest with minimal room (i won) and then he did the thing – he grabbed my hand and held it the rest of the way to taco bell (romantic right?) and then on over to his house for the night.

    we sat down for a scary movie, went up to his room for bed and had sex before falling asleep cuddling the entire night. i’m really enforcing these friends with benefits boundaries…but i have no self-control.

    without any expectations or plans for the next day we spend it fucking, cuddling, eating, playing Halo, watching football, and fucking more. what ended up being my most favorite part of this whole stay was after we took a shower together. I bundled up in his sweat pants and hoodie as we laid on the bed, moving into weird angles subconsciously like we were talking on the phone with a crush in highschool.

    regardless of how we were laying, we kept eye contact and talked about life – our relationship before we broke it off, where we are now, sex, etc; – just connecting. I had this overwhelming surge of affection and excitement thinking about what this could be like if we gave it a real chance. I laid there processing this live…outloud with him.

    that day was so wonderful that i felt i had to write about it. I want to hold on to this memory and keep it forever, even if it doesn’t work out with us and it all goes to shit. It was the perfect day.

    cut-to the rest of the fucking week and my heart is aching and i mean gut-wrenching ache. I wanted this with alex, and i also knew that gio will never mean anything more to me than what we have now. Over a fuck ton of journaling and just sitting, doing nothing and processing It occurred to me that I was doing the same thing to gio that alex was doing to me. attempting to hold on to something that in my heart I couldn’t completely commit to due to the dynamics of it all. I didn’t see gio enough to form a strong bond, and the other half of this ENM relationships is that Gio has a wife and a kid- a full-ass family. i couldn’t see myself getting to deep with someone i couldn’t have a future like that with. he already had one of his own, but i stuck around because i enjoyed his company.

    it was all a big loop.

    I broke up with gio last night and though it was really really difficult and took a few hours of tear s and conversation, i knew it had to be done. what is absolutely wild though, is if i didn’t impulsively text Alex none of this would have happened. I would have continued to coast with gio for the sex and company, and never allowed myself to be fucking real with where my heart is at. I’m sure it would have came eventually. but who knows if i would have missed out on alex by that time.

    life can change so quickly, but life really changes the most when you push it forward and make those decisions. Follow your gut instincts and take risks. Alex and i are discussing what a relationship could look like, while i concluded a relationship that was holding me back in other ways.

    in 6 days my whole life just shifted all because i was horny and decided to just send the text.

  • polyamory and Fwb with an ex -eek?

    In about 3 hours, I am about to open a friend with benefits door with a man I just got out of a 2ish-month relationship with because he was emotionally avoidant toward the end. said plainly, but there’s actually a lot more to it.

    we dated for a little over 2 months and it was going well until it wasn’t. I noticed that i had started to feel anxiety, not really knowing where his heart was because he wasn’t readily showing it without me asking for reassurance. I told him that it was causing issues and that if he couldn’t open up more than we wouldn’t be able to see each other. we ended up breaking up. 1 week after, we had a really great closure conversation discussing attachment and where he was at considering my polyamorous lifestyle. He realized he couldn’t feel safe and secure with someone practicing ENM. he needed monogamy.

    Cut to-2 weeks later and I’m laying in bed feeling an extremely absurd amount of horny. mid-heated moment with myself, i impulsively text him,

    “i want you to fuck me right now.”

    10 seconds later…

    “I want you to pick me up and fuck me in your truck.”

    about 30 minutes later i receive a text back,

    “Shut up, i just had a sex dream about me fucking you in a restaurant.”

    And that was it! That is all it took for me to continue the conversation, and we agreed that we would meet up tonight. The day passed with a few steamy texts and the sexual tension and anticipation rising. I kept asking myself the same question over and over, ‘How are you feeling about this?’ and ‘Are you positive?’

    the answer kept coming back as yes.

    i’ve been seeing this other man for the last 6 months now, twice a month. he has a wife and a kid (also ENM), and so his schedule is pretty tight. sex…twice a month. that might be okay for some, but for me – for those who know me – it’s definitely not enough.

    I am a very sexual person. I enjoy sex on so many different levels. Of course it feels good and there are many many many…many different way to get off but it’s also the human connection. the skin-on-skin contact. the human connection that i so love and crave. the long hugs from aftercare are the sweet spot.

    so when asking myself this question over and over, that kept playing in my mind. the comfort of comfort. i know him, he knows me, and we’re both good people who just aren’t meant to be together romantically – so, why not in this way? At least until he meets someone new since he said he doesn’t want to do another ENM relationship again (too much work lol).

    I begin to ask myself more questions…

    ‘Do i kiss him when i say goodbye?’

    ‘do we hold hands in the car, when he picks me up tonight like we always used to?’

    ‘how do i feel about those things and do I feel like they will cause confusion for me?’

    I’ve had 2 weeks to process our closure talk. I feel very grounded in the decision that we cannot and will not work on a romantic level due to the anxiety i experienced, and how he wasn’t able to meet the needs i explicitly asked of him – to text me every day, to say sweet things unprompted, to get deeper with me in intimate conversations, etc; these are not small.

    Do we feel like understanding and digesting that he can’t do those things for me will submerge any and all feelings when we have sex tonight?

    if feelings do come up – will i be able to handle those independently? I suppose I’ll find out.

    but isn’t it crazy how one impulse, one text, one conversation can lead to so many dominoes falling into a whole other relationship dynamic. moments like these remind me that we are really crafting our own reality. Any decision can push us into a different chapter of our lives without us even thinking about it!

    I’m saying that is what is happening here, but sorta! choosing who you spend your time with, who you share your body with – in whatever capacity – is a switch in your reality. you’re saying, ‘hey, i want my current situation to alter where you are involved and we can exchange energy for who knows how long.’

    me getting deeper and deeper into dance and committing to multiple classes per week, at-home practice, going out to socials, etc; tells my reality, ‘hey, we’re switching things up. She really loves to do this now, so we’re going to make it a regular thing which means interacting with like-minded people, moving our body in strange new ways, and expressing ourself differently’.

    That’s huge.

    I’m making so many stimulating changes in my life and each one i’m hoping is positive and leads to another. I’m not sure if me opening up this door with him is going to be positive – my gut instinct says that it will be – which is comforting, but you never know what might happen.

    so, here i am sifting through my next big decision cautious, excited, and most of all proud of myself for allowing me to follow my instincts, my desires, and overall listen to how my body feels in this new energy.

    Whatever happens though, i will be okay and more decisions will come that will set me on the right path forward.

  • Boundaries vs. Feelings: Fight!

    It’s been over 7 years since I’ve been in a relationship with a man. I’m finding that a lot of them are emotionally avoidant – makes sense considering the track record of men being told to keep their feelings to themselves, but with my experience dating women where feelings are okay and everything is on the table, I’m in foreign territory.

    Men know by now, at least per the social media I’ve consumed thus far, should know that women remember a lot of shit. When you make solid plans and when you don’t. When you hint at wanting to get breakfast at the morning, but when morning comes you race out (not without sex first though) because you now have to walk your dog’s even though your roommate has always done it for you in the past.

    We remember the data points big and small.

    I’m beginning to notice that I actually do a lot of guessing with this man I’m seeing now. We’ve had talks where I tell him I don’t think he cares, based off a response to a text basically asking him to, and he responds letting me know that he thought I needed to process my feelings first – as he processes feelings. That is fair. Miscommunication.

    I can’t help but to wonder if I give too much flexibility though, with these ‘miscommunications’ and so called, “good intentions”. I have a track record:

    One man told me he didn’t walk me to my car late at night because he was ‘tired and out of it’. I told him how unsafe I felt considering he knew he lived in a rough part of town and a man jumped out of the bushes and scared the shit out of me. He gave a weak apology about his intentions.

    I once believed a man when he said he had to stay later at work for inventory instead of meeting up with me, only to find out he was insecure about the people I was hanging out with and just decided to straight up lie and waste my time. I waited till the bars closed to receive that notification.

    One man was flat out mean and made a fast joke the moment I hopped into his truck. I called him out and he said that was just his humor. I carried that one out a little longer to see if he would change (also cause the sex was so good) considering I told him how it made me feel and it didn’t, and I shouldn’t have expected it to.

    There have been many lessons that I’ve learned these past 8 months from these type of stories:

    • Never let a man make you feel like you are on-call.
    • If he cared, he would. No excuses.
    • Don’t try to change the first impression in your mind to console your feelings. He won’t change. Believe him at face value. (No matter how good the sex!)
    • Live your life as if he doesn’t exist. Go follow through with your plans with friends and your plans with yourself. When you say you’re going to do something, don’t change plans because he texts you. Keep that trust with yourself.

    I hold all these lessons close to my heart while still trying to balance the fact that a lot of men really do have communication issues, repressed feelings, and inability to show emotion early on.

    I hold compassion, but at the same time I have to hold my heart first. It’s just not easy when you start to invest time with someone. Holding that balance can be a struggle. I have to remind myself over and over that regardless of how I feel, I have to listen to my intuition.

    So, my ‘no breakfast’ plans man who left early this morning just texted:

    “Sheeet, I came home and fell asleep. I’m going to get ready and come that way.”

    To that I said: “Ended up going to a cafe to write a bit, I’ll hit ya up later.”

    and he responded, “Cool”.

    Consistency and concrete plans are ‘cool’ for me. I think I need to share that and see where he comes out on the other side. The aftercare this morning was minimal. He left too quickly after, making it feel less…intimate.

    All of these rules and boundaries are great in theory, but I’m processing through hurt feelings still from prior experiences and I have new triggers than I did before. Holding compassion for myself, this man I’m seeing, and those boundaries is quite the juggle. Add feelings into it all, and it’s more complex than ever.

    With this guy, I’m aiming to be as honest as I possibly can – compassionate – but honest about how my heart feels when things happen. Without fear of how he will feel about it, grounded in myself and my decisions, but again, compassionate to his experience too. Most importantly, follow my intuition.

  • My loneliness is killing me: cue Brittney

    Lonely is like knowing that no matter who you reach out to in your circle, no one will respond in the way you really need them to. It’s the sound of no response at all. It’s the feeling of a breadcrumb from a family member you so wished would ask you more questions about your life. It’s the smell of ramen in the microwave and over-played reruns of a familiar guilty – no longer pleasured-pleasure; just played for comfort of familiarity and nostalgia. It’s the sound of my heart cracking in the silence and the burn of tears welling up in my eyes in the shower.

    I didn’t quite know what it would feel like to start back over after 6 years in a relationship with someone you thought you’d be with for much longer. I knew my nights wouldn’t consist of sitting in front of the television with her anymore; mindlessly calling that ‘quality time’. I removed that from my life for more quality, quality time with other connections – friendships, lovers, new partnerships. I’ve had all three these past 8 months, yet I feel so alone most nights when I pull my car into my parking spot and pause before getting out and walking three flights up to my quiet, studio apartment.

    In the wake of rebellion from my parent’s lack of emotional connection, I lost them too. I told them what I needed, and they said no and proceeded to gaslight me and make my feelings all about their feelings. I told them I couldn’t do it anymore.

    I cracked and broke the long-held silence with a, “I hope everything is going okay” text last Sunday to Mom. I had a quiet and sad weekend and so I impulsively caved. I knew she would respond, probably thinking, “I knew it – she was just going through something and now she’s coming back.” Devoid of any accountability or self-awareness. It still sparked something in me to get a response though. A grain of attention and from where my inner child craved it from the most.

    It was short-lived and I moved on.

    Then there’s Sergio. One boy I’ve been seeing 3 months on a biweekly basis as our poly arrangement allows with his wife and kid on the other side of it all. His primary partner living his primary life. I am secondary. So, I found another who maybe could see me as primary – Elder. I see him multiple times per week. Very much present physically. Very much ‘avoidant’, but he’s trying.

    They say you pick your partners based off the patterns of love you learned as a child. I’m quite obviously doing that, even as I navigate therapy and my own anxious avoidant attachment style.

    So, when I have two men here in front of me in different ways and I still feel alone – should I really be all that surprised? I handpicked this love from comfort and nostalgia much like those guilty pleasure shows that are always running in the background, like a sound machine consoling me to sleep. I’m not awake, living different experiences. I’m still asleep in an old love.

    Sometimes I ask myself though if this is it. Is everyone anxious or avoidant? Are there such things as secure attachments really? What is ‘secure’?

    Secure to me feels like intentional love. It feels like full presence in another person’s life experiences. It feels easy. It’s not dependent on your weather – it’s everlasting even through the rain. It feels like when I say I had a bad day you ask, ‘Why? What happened?’ instead of wishing for it to be better in the next breath. GOD. I get so angry thinking about all the times I just want someone to fucking ask. FUCKING. ASK ME. FUCKING CARE.

    What’s going on, Cortney? Tell me more about that. How did that make you feel?

    Instead, I walk through each hurt feeling wondering if the burden I’m feeling is real. I have to guess, I have to wonder if they want to know or they are just being nice, or when I do share are they even listening or are they thinking of what they want to say next.

    Consistency is what sews it all together into secure and safe.

    My beautiful best friend of 15 years does this thing where whenever she has a boyfriend, I’m not as important. The first six months of this year we were both going through it and would talk almost every day. Now nothing. I send her messages just the same, but I get excuses back. What hurts the most is those snapchats I send her when I’m having a really hard day have stacked up on her end and she’s promising to watch them as soon as she can. It’s been weeks. Meanwhile, she texts me her boyfriend problems and expects an immediate response. I don’t want to make my things a big deal, so I leave them on snapchat for her to just watch when I’m a priority again.

    Consistency is what sews it all together into secure and safe…Right?

    My mom and dad of 31 years do this thing where they lump their communications together via one messenger: Mom. She sends the text every month or so, “checking in – how are things going?”. I used to share it all in the next text. I would tell her what I’m up to, what’s happening, wins, pitfalls. She would respond ‘Xoxo’. The dreaded fucking ‘xoxo’ that meant ‘conversation over, thanks for sharing all this to pass along to your father as well but that’s all we wanted. Proof of life.’

    Consistency was spot on – well done – I am consistently expecting you to not care.

    There’s the loving quality consistency that I crave and then the consistency of poor patterns that I still perpetuate because I also crave, even the breadcrumbs of, what feels like care and attention.

    How do you ask for someone to care more? Someone that you truly don’t want to lose?

    I tried that this year and my dad said, “your feelings are your feelings” and my mom said I had too high of expectations. Sergio told me he couldn’t give me more physical presence and Elder Is still growing out of his avoidance and I’m here along for the ride – not wanting to jump off just yet.

    Maybe this is why I’ve been enjoying Poly. More opportunities for care and affection, like I’m starving for it. I’m starving for intimacy.

    So, when I walk into my front door after a night of dancing and forgetting everything into my body, it’s quiet. The lights are off, and I tell my cats, “Let’s warm it up in here” as I flip on the lights, turn on that show, and make the apartment as lively as possible. I show up for myself as often as I possibly can, but when I’m in the shower naked and with nowhere to go, I always end up asking myself ‘when will someone show up for me?’

  • Touching Grass

    Sometimes I dream about this blog feeling like Carrie Bradshaw’s with her quippy one-liners and cringy analogies linking sex to literally everything you can imagine in a day-to-day life. In the last few months, that’s what it felt like, writing here and talking about sex, dating, boys, and polyamory. Like any show that you binge watch too much of though, it gets exhausting living on one plane of existence and ignoring reality.

    My reality right now is that I flew too close to the sun with boys. Sure, I’m being spoiled by two different men in very different ways that fill my cup fully, but I find myself looking down at my phone focused on text messages, plans, and responding to reels, snapchats, and providing deep emotional attention to two different people on the daily.

    You add work on top of that, and it doesn’t leave a whole lot left for me. The need to touch grass and sit in the sun is becoming more of a crucial need than anything else as the days continue on. Sitting in these feelings and digging deep, I’ve confirmed that having both of these men in my life is a value-add, but the balance is off.

    Something I notice about myself is when I start spending a lot of money, eating out, making excuses for another iced coffee, making impromptu target runs, etc; it’s because the balance is off with my creative side. It’s because I haven’t written in a while or haven’t dipped into any of my creative hobbies. I’m filling the space with cheap dopamine like shopping and scrolling. Adding the boys into that took the cake. I started to walk away from each day missing my inner core, feeling like it was spent and there was nothing left to give myself.

    In a lot of ways, it actually feels like I’m balancing four different people. The very sensitive partner, the edgier partner that I’m still trying to crack, then my inner child and my adult/parenting self. We all want and need different things from each other and maintaining that balance while also making the time to just sit in silence to process it all it hard.

    So, as unsexy this post is in that it’s not about sex or my guys – I have to take pause to navigate the relationship I have with myself through it all. What do I want? What do I need? How does that impact each and every day as I continue to move forward?

    Does it mean boundaries on my phone and limiting more communication to actual in-person time? Does it mean just limiting my engagement to a certain time frame during the day? Does it mean having a wake up & bedtime routine that is just for me and not anyone else? Could it mean just not responding as quickly?

    My biggest fear is losing myself in a relationship like I did with her. Letting myself ebb and flow to the patterns of another person instead of my own flow. Putting other people first before myself when it comes to my time, decisions, and efforts. I don’t want to ever do that again, not full-time at least as it was. I need to follow my intuition and what she tells me in moments like this, “just stay home tonight,”, “just turn off your phone,”, “Go to bed and rest.”

    It’s funny that I say all of these things, but just in the last 24 hours or so I found myself upset and actually emotional that I couldn’t see one of my partners as I had hoped I would. I was drunk, out dancing on my own, and there was a chance he’d get off work and be able to meet up with me. It was 12:30 A.M when he messaged saying it wasn’t going to happen. I was so devastated because I had been casually looking around the club for his face to show up at any moment.

    What happened was he had a bad night at work. He’s a cop so it’s pretty unpredictable and a lot of what he deals with is grueling. I understand and I was so very bummed. I waited for him to text me all morning and afternoon until I finally fucking caved and decided to let my vulnerability show through. I was feeling so hyper-sensitive and sad that perhaps it wasn’t that he couldn’t see me, but that he just didn’t want to. And then not texting me until I texted him first? EW. If you know then you know, feeling like you are even slightly chasing a man feels like your power being ripped from you.

    I was feeling sad and hypersensitive from my period coming and under medicating because I forgot to order a refill. Mix that altogether with loneliness and boys – it was a rough morning. He reassured me that he wanted to make it up to me, that he wants to see me as soon as possible, etc; etc; etc; but god…what is this feeling?

    I’m sitting here typing about how I need my space and that I need to touch grass, but when I get the slight chance to see him my whole world just…stops to watch.

    EW.

  • Who Fills What Cup?: The Poly Dynamic of a +1

    In the last 15 days I have moved to the “I love you” you stage with one partner, and the spending a weekend together stage with the other partner. In the middle of all of that, my mind has been running circles around expectations for both relationships. How deep do I want to go with one vs. the other? Is it weird to recycle pet names? What about date ideas?

    The ‘love’ partner and I had a night where we danced bachata in my living room and played a board game. The other partner and I were faced with the no internet issue and did the exact same thing for lack of the movie night we anticipated. Mind you – I don’t have a lot of options in my apartment so late at night, which was the case for both of these days, but it did feel a little weird.

    Let’s not forget the similarities between both of these guys too that is just downright fucking weird and coincidental. Both men are Mexican, about the same age, have similar hobbies, both can’t dance bachata/salsa for shit, they both wear socks with sandals and don’t like spicy food, are/have been ongoing into therapy and seem to have a strong EQ, grew up and loved sports, and who knows what else.

    Back when the ‘love’ partner and I started dating, I was awestruck at how stable our attachment was. How grounded, adult, and nourishing it felt to be with someone who knew exactly how to love me. I would tell my therapist, “I need another guy like this, but that isn’t married or has a kid….or plans to move!”, but of course I said verbatim, “I need another X [redacting name]”. My therapist would call me out and say no, no you don’t. You just need someone who treats you similarly, like she didn’t want me to hyperfocus on finding someone just like him.

    I guess I accidentally did. No exactly, but it’s a little uncanny. On top of that, the ‘love’ partner’s wife’s poly partner is an ex-marine & cop just like my other guy. We encountered a little bit of coincidental awkwardness around ‘love’ partner’s jealousy at the trend, sensitivity to his ego/masculinity, on top of everything else.

    As I’m navigating both men, naturally comparing them to one another, I am beginning to trace threads of each relationship to how my heart wants to be held together. The ‘love’ partner offers a deep, sensitive relationship focused around talking about feelings, self-improvement, a softer sex and meaningful emotional connection. He offers deep emotional support and great sex.

    My other partner, so far, offers excitement and edge. He’s mysterious and sexy with his tattoos and rugged appearance. He cusses and makes dark humored jokes, and is more sexually expressive. He opens every door for me, grasps me by the back of the neck when we walk (in a hot way), can’t stop touching me, and calls me every kind of sweet name he can in spanish. He is accessible, present, and supportive. He makes the plans and takes direction, and he pushes me to the inside of the sidewalk away from the road. he offers deep emotional support and great sex + regular presence in my life due to no kids/wife.

    As I move forward, I’m learning more and more about myself; how i want to be loved, how I want to love, in what areas do I crave excitement and thrill versus grounded love and is that sustainable long term if both these men stay in my life? Did I accidentally gravitate toward this second person and all the similarities in search of a replicate of my ‘love’ partner that is more accessible? That can offer a future?

    I still have so much to learn.

  • Polyamory & Finding The Second Somebody

    There have been some advancements since my last post around polyamory. I shared that I had been in a relationship with a man who is married and has a 6-year-old kid and the discomforts that come along with it. Don’t worry, they are discomforts that are easily trumped by the positives. The positives being that we have a very secure attachment, that he treats me like a queen and gives me all the love, support, and kindness a woman could ever want….well, on a biweekly basis.

    With his schedule, work, and family, I only see him twice a month. We text every day and have deep conversations to really build upon the emotional connection, but physically we’re only cuddling, holding hands, kissing, and having sex for approximately 5 hours a month (if I’m removing the time allotments for non-physical, in-person intimacy like going out on dates, dinner, and talking).

    This means that this man is going home to his wife and kid, having a whole life outside of ‘us’. That is what I signed up for, and that is perfectly okay. What this means though is for the 28-29 other days out of the month I am up to my own shit with only 1-2 text messages a day to hear about his major life updates, and some sexting.

    That’s enough for him considering his supplementation between me and his wife, but I started to realize it definitely was not enough for me even though I do not want a serious relationship right now. I want what he has eventually – a loving partner that you can come home to, maybe a kid? But right now, I want to see what is out there and explore a little. Polyamory has been such a huge win for me in that way.

    The freedom to not be tied down to one person yet still experience them wholly as they show up for you is an amazing experience. The complete honesty around sexuality, emotional health, and overall, how we work as a species when it comes to attractiveness is a fresh breath of air. Of course, there are boundaries when it comes to how much we share since jealousy is still a very real, very natural thing, but the conversation is still there and I’m grateful.

    For the last month or so, I’ve been on a journey to *procure* another hottie that treats me just as well and I can see more often. Someone perhaps without a family and is emotionally (and physically!) available to show up more in my life. I’ve gone on plenty of bad dates and was starting to think that the ENM/Poly pool was too small.

    I was on the dating apps specifically filtering for those who mention ENM and/or Polyamory in their description because I realized it was difficult to explain – this situation I am in. Having to explain over and over to guys that didn’t know anything about it felt exhausting. The mind mapping around an individual to determine if they can 1. handle ENM 2. be honest about sexual partners and provide test results 3. AND show up how I need them to emotionally + physically past ‘friends with benefits’? Felt impossible and the dates I had gone on where strike outs.

    One guy mentioned on our date that his girlfriend was having surgery and he actually wouldn’t be available for a while. Another guy told me he sometimes hooks up with a girl that comes to visit him from time to time and how he wants multiple sexual partners outside of his wife (talk about a lot of test results work on my end and tracking). Then there’s the guy that asked me about my birth control status in the first date and said that in our next date we should get ‘freaky’?

    I’ve also learned if they are a DJ, just fucking swipe left. I went on a date with two in one week by accident and talk about a double whammy dud.

    Then I found him. Didn’t have ENM or Poly listed on his profile but has dabbled with it in the past. Is an ex-marine, current cop and doesn’t appear to have a superiority complex or arrogance along with it. A really good guy with a kind heart that just wants to do good by it. At first, I was concerned with his lack of communication, but I brought it up and we talked about our attachment styles and since then we’ve clicked like we are now on the same page with what we want, and how we want it.

    It took me a moment to crack him open with sexual conversations, but now that that door is open (though we aren’t having sex because logistics and timing), I’m getting all the right feelings that he can match my freak and so that’s another checkbox.

    We started to spend time together and after the first date we saw each other the two nights after. My current partner mentioned getting jealous at how easily we could see each other. Probably putting it together how inaccessible he is. This new guy lives closer, has more time to spend with me, can be spontaneous and we don’t have to always be at my apartment because he has a wife at home. This new person could really give me the things I need to fill the other portion of my cup.

    They have completely different personalities and overall different masculine vibes. My current guy is a therapist, very in-tune, but hyper focused on divine masculinity and being a protective container in my life. He knows boundaries, can regulate my nervous system, all while being incredibly sexy.

    This new man has a deep broody past of childhood trauma that has been worked out in the marines and years of therapy. His past is rocky, but he’s overcome a lot and is still putting in the work. His job is intense as a cop, but when he is with me, he is calm, grounding and playful. He opens every door, fights to pay every bill (even though I refuse), holds my hand and makes every opportunity to touch me which I obsess over, he smiles at me in a way that I can tell he really means it – like he is observing me and soaking me in, he makes me feel wanted, sexy, and most importantly heard and appreciated.

    The way he looked at me while I shared tidbits about my parents to him with seriousness and genuine attentiveness hit home for me in a way that made me have to touch grass and remember my own traumas could attach unknowingly if I’m not careful. That I could really like this guy out of starvation If I’m not mindful.

    I need to be more careful with him though. He told me he had a drinking problem while with his ex-wife, before he started going to therapy and deep diving into processing his past. He was raised very machismo, which I’ll give him all the credit for being real about and being vulnerable with me on multiple accounts. I guess I’m just worried that with comfort and possible sadness & stress, as life loves to provide, perhaps he could tip toe back into old habits. You add feelings to the mix and that’s where everything could blow up.

    Then we have all of the questions and streams of thought that go into adding a second partner in my orbit.

    How do I prevent more jealousy from my primary partner? How do I monitor that effectively? What do I share? What don’t I share? What should I share with the second partner? He doesn’t ask much – should I volunteer the information?

    Going through the mental work of requesting STD results from the new partner is one thing, but what if the sex actually isn’t good and I used up all the emotional & logistical work between me and my primary for a dud?

    This is so brand new. A very fun experience but oh my god am I hoping it goes smoothly.