May 25th, 2025

This pocket of life is looking very different from the last.

In the last month I have confronted my parents on their emotional avoidance, stopped entertaining multiple casual sexual partners, started getting into Latin dancing, tried and stopped Vyvanse, increased my Wellbutrin, reached a whole other level of sexual intimacy with the one partner that I do have and have decided to not move out of Denver.

A month of big decisions which have resulted in big emotional hurdles and mindset shifts. I’ve felt a lot of things I’ve never felt before and walked away from a few situations learning lessons.

Getting into dancing has taught me that it doesn’t matter what you do alone (going to classes alone/stepping out of your comfort zone) as long as you love it – the community will come.

Having only one sexual partner that I’m genuinely interested in instead of many that I’m not, fills my cup more than I had expected even with my high sex drive.

I learned that telling people no from the very beginning is better than waiting for feelings to hopefully change and that when it comes to your heart intuition really is true north.

I got closure with my parents that they won’t change, but at least my inner child tried and that was the best she could do. What needs to change now is the boundaries I have with them so that I don’t keep accidentally expecting more.

With all of this being said, I had experienced emotional & physical burnout. I got sick from it and it put me out for 3 entire days. I was giving my emotional energy to my parents, my best friends, strangers that I would meet out and about, dancing multiple times per week, hosting multiple baby showers, not eating and sleeping enough and binge scrolling my phone on my downtime.

I was chronically overstimulated and recovering from that was difficult because I had to remove myself from everyone and be inaccessible for the first time in 6 months. I was monitoring my head space and my ability to stay present – eat, sleep, read, sit in the sun, repeat.

So this new pocket that I’m sitting in is one that I’m actively trying to be more intentional about – how do I sit still for longer moments without change? How do I spend more time doing the things that fill my cup and don’t leave me emotionally haggard by the end of it? Prioritizing friendships that don’t suck the life out of me, the obligations that do the same, and maintaining balance at work; not saying yes to fucking everything.

What got me into this predicament in the first place was a breakup 6 months ago that led me to living alone for the first time in 6 years. Loneliness.

You know in the movies where the nerd in high school undergoes a massive makeover and they become obsessed with themselves and so does everyone around them for a hot minute? Think Mean Girls, Princess Diaries, and House Bunny.

They become so addicted to the new ‘me’ and the attention and acceptance that comes from it because they’ve been living in their shadow for such a long while. Having those new feelings create this craving for more until it turns into a dopamine frenzy.

This was me back in February when I started to talk to boys again. I changed my hair, my clothes, and with my new meds and appearance my confidence sky rocketed. That snowballed further and further until I essentially flew too close to the sun.

I found myself feeling too shallow about my clothes and how I didn’t feel comfortable leaving the apartment without a layer of mascara on anymore. I was going on dates every week because guys wanted to ask me out. I was flirting at Swing dance classes because I knew some of the guys had crushes on me.

Things began to down shift with my mental health and I was starting to hurt people’s feelings. I started to just really assess who I was making myself out to be every day and the choices I was making. Then I met the guy I’ve been seeing for the last month and a half. He moves in a year and has a wife & kid (Poly/ENM), so I only see him every other week and for one overnight a month. Not only has he been a very secure attachment for me (not like anything I’ve experienced before), but he slowed my life down tremendously. It was uncomfortable at first – taking those dopamine hits away, but now that the withdrawals have worn off, I feel I’ve hit a sustainable balance.

Now, with everything in my social life collapsing my health for a few days that felt scary, I’m beginning to realize that I need to do the same here.

With that I’ve decided I’m not moving back to Ohio come April of next year. I’m going to sit still a moment and experience my life as a single person living alone with where I’ve called home these last 8 years. I’ve decided that I can’t fix my parents or my best friend who has been going through it for years now. I’ve decided that I only deserve the best when it comes to having any man in my life. I’ve decided that I’m only human and as such I should look like one.