The Nasty Feelings of Polyamory

Ever since ChatGPT told me I should write rage letters to all the people I was holding resentment for (and not send them), it opened up this thrilling door of writing completely and brutally honest without filter. I’m not resentful toward polyamory, but since beginning to explore it just a few short months ago I believe I have some very raw, very brutal things to say. Unfiltered. Unedited.

Polyamory to a man who has a wife and kid can feel like being a mistress in many ways. The phone calls that aren’t made when the wife is home. The change of plans when the wife says ‘you’ve been spending too much time out of the home lately’. The selective participation in our relationship based on what’s happening over there.

You’d say that it all makes sense. He has a family – what do you expect? How could I know what to expect? I’ve never been in this position before in my life.

I’m used to dedicated boyfriends or girlfriends. 1:1 ratio of a couple. The first time I try this and I get an entire family. It’s weird looking in from the outside wanting more and watching someone else have it with him instead. The feelings have deepened and my monogamous tendencies are showing. The jealousy is seeping in.

People have been telling me to find another partner to even it out. To feel like there is a leveled playing field. To have those other needs met that he can’t give me. That sounds so great, but nothing compares to him. He is a unicorn of a man. A therapist, emotionally intelligent, sexy, considerate, attentive, and showers me in any kind of love I ask for. He’s perfect, but I have to go back out there in the dating world and find another one? I didn’t even know a man like Sam existed in the first place. I want him more and I can’t have it. It’s like a tease from the universe. Of course, I can see it as a lesson that there are men out there and I shouldn’t settle, but fuck I want this one.

Oh god the worst thing about all of this is that they are moving. Him and his family are moving either before winter or in the spring. His wife has a partner too that she’d be leaving behind. I knew this from the start when I was going through my hoe phase and stumbled on Sam. I told him I didn’t want anything serious anyways because of my recent breakup in December. At the time I was also planning on moving out of state. Low stakes I thought.

Now I’m faced with the reality that I am going to be inevitably hurt it’s just a matter of when.

But I’m already getting hurt just in tiny little pricks and slices. When he leaves, I will be completely flayed open with nothing to do about it.

Weirdly the fuck enough this is the most secure attachment I’ve ever had with a partner. Where the other person is completely honest, intentional, respectful, and understands women. I told myself when I started to catch feeling that “Well, it’s worth the hurt to experience this type of relationship and learn from it.” I’m not sure that’s true anymore. I’m already hurting thinking of him leaving on top of knowing that this man will never be someone serious to me – he can’t be. We won’t ever get married, have kids, move in together…

It’s wild to think that I’ve only actually been seeing Sam since April 14th. We’ve seen each other on a biweekly schedule, so six times. His curfew is fucking 10pm each time so about 5 hours each date. 30 hours total of being with each other physically over the course of the last 2.5 months. No overnights. But we text every day, multiple times per day.

He tells me how much he misses me. How obsessed he is with me. But what I see is two little hearts around two calendar dates a month.

I hate that I feel these feelings. This bubbling up jealousy and anxiety of not being a priority to someone else to the level I want them to when we have such a deep emotional and sexual relationship. It’s new for me. I signed up for all of this, and I’m kicking myself in the ass.

It’s triggering to my avoidant attachment style I learned from my parents. I want to run away and board up every window I gave to him to see inside me. He knows how I feel. He knows that I am in deep and that feels raw and unsettling knowing that nothing more will ever happen from it. It’s like I’m giving him parts of myself I wish I could take back and protect. I let my heart deep dive into this shit and now I’m bracing for all of the pain that has and will come with it.

Coming second.