A Needy Libido

Ever since I began taking Wellbutrin, broke up with my last partner, and set off on a ‘glow-up’ as the kids say, my libido has skyrocketed leaving my horny to an unbearable level.

I actually make the joke to myself that, “it’s a problem” because of how often I masturbate even daily. Sometimes my clit won’t even feel the vibration anymore and I lay there disassociating for a minute. That’s when I know I need to touch some fucking grass.

Writing that out makes me feel embarrassed, like this a red flag I should be managing. A dopamine addiction perhaps? When my ADHD brain craves dopamine, it usually latches on to food or shopping. Since experiencing sex with men this year after 7 years with women, It sparked an entire sexual revolution inside me to have more, do more, experience more.

My fantasies have gotten deeper, more descriptive, and have become a need to explore rather than just a curiosity. I’ve dipped into possessive talk, exhibitionism, public sex, threesomes with two men, mistress/master, and bondage fantasies. The idea of being dominated and told that I’m a ‘good girl’ would have left dropped my jaw to the floor just over a year ago.

What really sparked the flame was the books I was reading last year. Haunting Adeline and Her Soul to Take ignited kinks in me that I didn’t know laid dormant.

It wasn’t until I found myself single, on a drug that is known to increase libido, pushed myself through losing weight and putting effort into my appearance, fucking all sorts of men to find my groove, and then finding a secure attachment in a poly lifestyle that I started to feel like, “damn, I can do anything if I just…did it.” Including all my fantasies.

I mean I have the grounded-ness of being poly/ENM with a man that I adore, I am exploring what it could mean to have multiple partners which is freeing in itself, I have resources to explore kink communities and advocate for what I want to try…

The only thing that is stopping me right now in this moment is the concern that sex has become so wanted, so needed that I’m having a hard time separating it right now. Don’t get me wrong I am also ovulating and hoo nelly watch out, but I find myself concerned.

How much sex is too much? Is 6 months of sexual exploration too long? Is masturbating twice a day literally okay for my vagina (like girl, you good?)? When do fantasies go too far, kicking me back into 1950s sexism sub vs dom? When does it become a habit vs. a treat?