A Rage Letter To My Ex (Unsent)

Warning: This was a free write letter to let go of built-up anger living inside me for my ex. Some of the language will be highly offensive and off-putting. This is my monkey brain on its worst day, let loose.

XXX, you fucking police my feelings one more fucking time I swear to god I will come over there and rip your perfectly spotless apartment apart, throw cat hair EVERYWHERE, and ruin your perfect little primped world. You are so selfish. Self-centered. Self-pitying. Pathetic and fucking obnoxious person. Ever fight we’ve ever had was HR coded, calculated and just fucking condescending. The worst part is you didn’t mean for it to be – you’re just like that naturally. It’s sad you feel you have to be this robot and put on a pretty show for everyone, even yourself.

You tell me that I’m making assumptions on your situation with [insert new girlfriends name], that dating doesn’t have to be long-term then why are you telling everyone about her. Why did you make it a point to tell me about her if she wasn’t something more than a fuck. Why did you tell our friends that ‘it worked for you guys’ referring to them getting married so quickly – that is a serious reference to affection you have for this girl. An affection you took on just months after we fucking broke up. How can I NOT be offended by that? You tell me that it’s not happening on ‘my timeframe’ BITCH ARE YOU KIDDING ME. ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO YOURSELF?

We were in a relationship for almost 6 FUCKING YEARS and you just go and turnaround so quick like that and then you want to bring her to a mutual friend’s party where you know I will be there?! “Assume positive intent” you say. Those are empty fucking words. If you had positive intentions, you would have immediately known that that is fucking insensitive. You say you’re grieving our breakup but how are you doing that when you’re thinking of the future with someone else already. BITCH, DO YOU THINK IM DUMB. You’re like, “Dating doesn’t always have to go serious”. UHM THAT’S LITERALLY THE POINT, if you’re not dating you’re fucking around. Why would you tell me AND ALL OUR FRIENDS about a girl you’re just fucking around with. A girl that is LIVING with you right now. BITCH. You are delusional and you’re trying to get me to drink the cool aid via fucking veering the conversation we had off topic to stupid shit that didn’t matter. That wasn’t the fucking point. Then you get angry when I show anger. You get upset when I show any kind of emotion that doesn’t replicate yours. HOLIER THAN THOU CUNT.

Oh did my cussing offend you? Did me calling you out for your contradictions and deflecting catch you off guard? Did I hear you stumble on the other end of the phone? Let’s just see it plain.

You latched on to this girl on a dreamy vacation, fucked around, and then you two dreamt up this lesbian daydream of her moving here – not for the relationship oh god no, we can’t tell people that they’d think we’re crazy, but yeah we will live together for a while until we find something, or maybe we won’t move out! Who knows ladeda – You nestled so far into this relationship to escape from the reality of being alone (Hi, that’s where I’m at and it sucks but we all have to fucking do it) and you’re entranced in this notion enough to not think its fucking batshit to bring her in our mutual lives. You want to introduce her to our friends FINE. Dont bring her around me where I have to watch you ‘move on’ in live action. Fucking bitch. How dare you fucking gaslight my feelings. Fucking redirect the conversation because you can’t admit to yourself that you’re just fucking WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING. You say, “I hear what you have to say BUT’ no bitch, you don’t hear me. Youre rebuttling. What’s really sad is our mutual friends see right through you.

It’s embarrassing watching you around our friends thinking that you are just a beam of energy, the funniest person to walk the earth and all the things. It’s a montage of what you think people want to see from you and it comes off disgenuine and frankly annoying to watch. I remember it gave me the ick that one time with Ari and our other friends. It actually grossed me out to watch you interupt everyone around you for a fucking laugh. A gay-coded joke that has been done and said over and over and over. The vulgarity of it on top of just the lack of any kind of personality outside of your queerness was so cringy. Have you ever been more than just a gay person? Have you ever showed up to a conversation with just vulnerability and realness – without a joke prepared, or a humble brag story of your travel adventures? A posturing of your fucking rich privileged upbringing.

Oh my god dont even get me started on that one. You sit there and say, “I had cockroaches in my apartment before’ as if that is the tell-tale sign of hoofing it. Sure you have some real deep shit from your childhood that made it extremely difficult, but don’t ever fucking sit there and try to persuade anyone that you suffered monetarily. We all know. You grew up fucking horseback riding – YOU LEGIT HAD A PONY BITCH. YOUR PARENTS BOUGHT YOU A HORSE.

Your privilege stinks all over you too. In the way you are so fucking particular about everything. There’s a speck of lint on your shirt. There’s a cat hair on the couch. There’s a smudge on a dish. God forbid your pants don’t look perfectly fitted to you and jesus everytime you’d ask me the same fucking question about the same fucking outfit over and over, “does this look good. Are you sure? Are you lying to me?” JESUS FUCK. You’re so fucking vain. No one gives a fucking shit what you wear and you ask me that fucking question just like that for 5 fucking years. Like grow some fucking confidence and just wear what you want. Oh god forbid I fucking ask you if what I’m wearing looks good and you just respond, “I don’t know how to answer that” just because it’s girls’ clothes instead of your masc attire. BITCH.

Then there’s every time I bring up something that I want to do. Go to Vegas for my birthday, plan a trip, whatever – you stick your fucking weasly nose into it and fucking implode it for something you want to do. I remember that time you wanted to take me out to dinner as a thank you for taking care of you when you hurt your knee – but YOU picked the restaurant and every fucking dish we fucking ordered.

Oh my god I wanted to outright XXXX XXXXXX every time you brought up your knee in every goddamn conversation. When we got that wheelchair, I was humiliated pushing you around in that thing because you were being the biggest fucking pussy and loved the attention. You soaked it the fuck up and it was honestly just embarrassing to be around you during that entire year and a half. I even caved and mentioned how I just can’t hear about it one more time and you got upset but what the fuck do you expect. My life was orbiting around your stupid fucking knee.