There have been some advancements since my last post around polyamory. I shared that I had been in a relationship with a man who is married and has a 6-year-old kid and the discomforts that come along with it. Don’t worry, they are discomforts that are easily trumped by the positives. The positives being that we have a very secure attachment, that he treats me like a queen and gives me all the love, support, and kindness a woman could ever want….well, on a biweekly basis.
With his schedule, work, and family, I only see him twice a month. We text every day and have deep conversations to really build upon the emotional connection, but physically we’re only cuddling, holding hands, kissing, and having sex for approximately 5 hours a month (if I’m removing the time allotments for non-physical, in-person intimacy like going out on dates, dinner, and talking).
This means that this man is going home to his wife and kid, having a whole life outside of ‘us’. That is what I signed up for, and that is perfectly okay. What this means though is for the 28-29 other days out of the month I am up to my own shit with only 1-2 text messages a day to hear about his major life updates, and some sexting.
That’s enough for him considering his supplementation between me and his wife, but I started to realize it definitely was not enough for me even though I do not want a serious relationship right now. I want what he has eventually – a loving partner that you can come home to, maybe a kid? But right now, I want to see what is out there and explore a little. Polyamory has been such a huge win for me in that way.
The freedom to not be tied down to one person yet still experience them wholly as they show up for you is an amazing experience. The complete honesty around sexuality, emotional health, and overall, how we work as a species when it comes to attractiveness is a fresh breath of air. Of course, there are boundaries when it comes to how much we share since jealousy is still a very real, very natural thing, but the conversation is still there and I’m grateful.
For the last month or so, I’ve been on a journey to *procure* another hottie that treats me just as well and I can see more often. Someone perhaps without a family and is emotionally (and physically!) available to show up more in my life. I’ve gone on plenty of bad dates and was starting to think that the ENM/Poly pool was too small.
I was on the dating apps specifically filtering for those who mention ENM and/or Polyamory in their description because I realized it was difficult to explain – this situation I am in. Having to explain over and over to guys that didn’t know anything about it felt exhausting. The mind mapping around an individual to determine if they can 1. handle ENM 2. be honest about sexual partners and provide test results 3. AND show up how I need them to emotionally + physically past ‘friends with benefits’? Felt impossible and the dates I had gone on where strike outs.
One guy mentioned on our date that his girlfriend was having surgery and he actually wouldn’t be available for a while. Another guy told me he sometimes hooks up with a girl that comes to visit him from time to time and how he wants multiple sexual partners outside of his wife (talk about a lot of test results work on my end and tracking). Then there’s the guy that asked me about my birth control status in the first date and said that in our next date we should get ‘freaky’?
I’ve also learned if they are a DJ, just fucking swipe left. I went on a date with two in one week by accident and talk about a double whammy dud.
Then I found him. Didn’t have ENM or Poly listed on his profile but has dabbled with it in the past. Is an ex-marine, current cop and doesn’t appear to have a superiority complex or arrogance along with it. A really good guy with a kind heart that just wants to do good by it. At first, I was concerned with his lack of communication, but I brought it up and we talked about our attachment styles and since then we’ve clicked like we are now on the same page with what we want, and how we want it.
It took me a moment to crack him open with sexual conversations, but now that that door is open (though we aren’t having sex because logistics and timing), I’m getting all the right feelings that he can match my freak and so that’s another checkbox.
We started to spend time together and after the first date we saw each other the two nights after. My current partner mentioned getting jealous at how easily we could see each other. Probably putting it together how inaccessible he is. This new guy lives closer, has more time to spend with me, can be spontaneous and we don’t have to always be at my apartment because he has a wife at home. This new person could really give me the things I need to fill the other portion of my cup.
They have completely different personalities and overall different masculine vibes. My current guy is a therapist, very in-tune, but hyper focused on divine masculinity and being a protective container in my life. He knows boundaries, can regulate my nervous system, all while being incredibly sexy.
This new man has a deep broody past of childhood trauma that has been worked out in the marines and years of therapy. His past is rocky, but he’s overcome a lot and is still putting in the work. His job is intense as a cop, but when he is with me, he is calm, grounding and playful. He opens every door, fights to pay every bill (even though I refuse), holds my hand and makes every opportunity to touch me which I obsess over, he smiles at me in a way that I can tell he really means it – like he is observing me and soaking me in, he makes me feel wanted, sexy, and most importantly heard and appreciated.
The way he looked at me while I shared tidbits about my parents to him with seriousness and genuine attentiveness hit home for me in a way that made me have to touch grass and remember my own traumas could attach unknowingly if I’m not careful. That I could really like this guy out of starvation If I’m not mindful.
I need to be more careful with him though. He told me he had a drinking problem while with his ex-wife, before he started going to therapy and deep diving into processing his past. He was raised very machismo, which I’ll give him all the credit for being real about and being vulnerable with me on multiple accounts. I guess I’m just worried that with comfort and possible sadness & stress, as life loves to provide, perhaps he could tip toe back into old habits. You add feelings to the mix and that’s where everything could blow up.
Then we have all of the questions and streams of thought that go into adding a second partner in my orbit.
How do I prevent more jealousy from my primary partner? How do I monitor that effectively? What do I share? What don’t I share? What should I share with the second partner? He doesn’t ask much – should I volunteer the information?
Going through the mental work of requesting STD results from the new partner is one thing, but what if the sex actually isn’t good and I used up all the emotional & logistical work between me and my primary for a dud?
This is so brand new. A very fun experience but oh my god am I hoping it goes smoothly.
Hello Coco : A diary 
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