Who Fills What Cup?: The Poly Dynamic of a +1

In the last 15 days I have moved to the “I love you” you stage with one partner, and the spending a weekend together stage with the other partner. In the middle of all of that, my mind has been running circles around expectations for both relationships. How deep do I want to go with one vs. the other? Is it weird to recycle pet names? What about date ideas?

The ‘love’ partner and I had a night where we danced bachata in my living room and played a board game. The other partner and I were faced with the no internet issue and did the exact same thing for lack of the movie night we anticipated. Mind you – I don’t have a lot of options in my apartment so late at night, which was the case for both of these days, but it did feel a little weird.

Let’s not forget the similarities between both of these guys too that is just downright fucking weird and coincidental. Both men are Mexican, about the same age, have similar hobbies, both can’t dance bachata/salsa for shit, they both wear socks with sandals and don’t like spicy food, are/have been ongoing into therapy and seem to have a strong EQ, grew up and loved sports, and who knows what else.

Back when the ‘love’ partner and I started dating, I was awestruck at how stable our attachment was. How grounded, adult, and nourishing it felt to be with someone who knew exactly how to love me. I would tell my therapist, “I need another guy like this, but that isn’t married or has a kid….or plans to move!”, but of course I said verbatim, “I need another X [redacting name]”. My therapist would call me out and say no, no you don’t. You just need someone who treats you similarly, like she didn’t want me to hyperfocus on finding someone just like him.

I guess I accidentally did. No exactly, but it’s a little uncanny. On top of that, the ‘love’ partner’s wife’s poly partner is an ex-marine & cop just like my other guy. We encountered a little bit of coincidental awkwardness around ‘love’ partner’s jealousy at the trend, sensitivity to his ego/masculinity, on top of everything else.

As I’m navigating both men, naturally comparing them to one another, I am beginning to trace threads of each relationship to how my heart wants to be held together. The ‘love’ partner offers a deep, sensitive relationship focused around talking about feelings, self-improvement, a softer sex and meaningful emotional connection. He offers deep emotional support and great sex.

My other partner, so far, offers excitement and edge. He’s mysterious and sexy with his tattoos and rugged appearance. He cusses and makes dark humored jokes, and is more sexually expressive. He opens every door for me, grasps me by the back of the neck when we walk (in a hot way), can’t stop touching me, and calls me every kind of sweet name he can in spanish. He is accessible, present, and supportive. He makes the plans and takes direction, and he pushes me to the inside of the sidewalk away from the road. he offers deep emotional support and great sex + regular presence in my life due to no kids/wife.

As I move forward, I’m learning more and more about myself; how i want to be loved, how I want to love, in what areas do I crave excitement and thrill versus grounded love and is that sustainable long term if both these men stay in my life? Did I accidentally gravitate toward this second person and all the similarities in search of a replicate of my ‘love’ partner that is more accessible? That can offer a future?

I still have so much to learn.