Touching Grass

Sometimes I dream about this blog feeling like Carrie Bradshaw’s with her quippy one-liners and cringy analogies linking sex to literally everything you can imagine in a day-to-day life. In the last few months, that’s what it felt like, writing here and talking about sex, dating, boys, and polyamory. Like any show that you binge watch too much of though, it gets exhausting living on one plane of existence and ignoring reality.

My reality right now is that I flew too close to the sun with boys. Sure, I’m being spoiled by two different men in very different ways that fill my cup fully, but I find myself looking down at my phone focused on text messages, plans, and responding to reels, snapchats, and providing deep emotional attention to two different people on the daily.

You add work on top of that, and it doesn’t leave a whole lot left for me. The need to touch grass and sit in the sun is becoming more of a crucial need than anything else as the days continue on. Sitting in these feelings and digging deep, I’ve confirmed that having both of these men in my life is a value-add, but the balance is off.

Something I notice about myself is when I start spending a lot of money, eating out, making excuses for another iced coffee, making impromptu target runs, etc; it’s because the balance is off with my creative side. It’s because I haven’t written in a while or haven’t dipped into any of my creative hobbies. I’m filling the space with cheap dopamine like shopping and scrolling. Adding the boys into that took the cake. I started to walk away from each day missing my inner core, feeling like it was spent and there was nothing left to give myself.

In a lot of ways, it actually feels like I’m balancing four different people. The very sensitive partner, the edgier partner that I’m still trying to crack, then my inner child and my adult/parenting self. We all want and need different things from each other and maintaining that balance while also making the time to just sit in silence to process it all it hard.

So, as unsexy this post is in that it’s not about sex or my guys – I have to take pause to navigate the relationship I have with myself through it all. What do I want? What do I need? How does that impact each and every day as I continue to move forward?

Does it mean boundaries on my phone and limiting more communication to actual in-person time? Does it mean just limiting my engagement to a certain time frame during the day? Does it mean having a wake up & bedtime routine that is just for me and not anyone else? Could it mean just not responding as quickly?

My biggest fear is losing myself in a relationship like I did with her. Letting myself ebb and flow to the patterns of another person instead of my own flow. Putting other people first before myself when it comes to my time, decisions, and efforts. I don’t want to ever do that again, not full-time at least as it was. I need to follow my intuition and what she tells me in moments like this, “just stay home tonight,”, “just turn off your phone,”, “Go to bed and rest.”

It’s funny that I say all of these things, but just in the last 24 hours or so I found myself upset and actually emotional that I couldn’t see one of my partners as I had hoped I would. I was drunk, out dancing on my own, and there was a chance he’d get off work and be able to meet up with me. It was 12:30 A.M when he messaged saying it wasn’t going to happen. I was so devastated because I had been casually looking around the club for his face to show up at any moment.

What happened was he had a bad night at work. He’s a cop so it’s pretty unpredictable and a lot of what he deals with is grueling. I understand and I was so very bummed. I waited for him to text me all morning and afternoon until I finally fucking caved and decided to let my vulnerability show through. I was feeling so hyper-sensitive and sad that perhaps it wasn’t that he couldn’t see me, but that he just didn’t want to. And then not texting me until I texted him first? EW. If you know then you know, feeling like you are even slightly chasing a man feels like your power being ripped from you.

I was feeling sad and hypersensitive from my period coming and under medicating because I forgot to order a refill. Mix that altogether with loneliness and boys – it was a rough morning. He reassured me that he wanted to make it up to me, that he wants to see me as soon as possible, etc; etc; etc; but god…what is this feeling?

I’m sitting here typing about how I need my space and that I need to touch grass, but when I get the slight chance to see him my whole world just…stops to watch.

EW.