Hello Coco : A diary

Tag: Dating

  • the subjective dating timeline: a brain dump

    I think I’ve been playing it pretty safe with him. telling myself it’s too soon for a lot of things. he asked to get matching pajamas for photos. I thought to myself ‘that’s what serious couples do’. The first week we got back together he bought us a vacation for Mexico in January (fully refundable, but still). He asked me yesterday if I’d ever want to move in with him like he was gathering signal if I thought this relationship was going serious. a few questions came up the next day around how our animals would co-exist and what that would look like. so, he’s definitely thinking about what our life would look like if we brought it together.

    that isn’t a bad thing – at least I don’t think it is. i feel like feelings are developing quickly between us absolutely. we both acknowledged that this relationship is going very well. We enjoy a lot of the same things, have the same love languages, same values & morals, same ideal futures, we can sit in silence, i feel emotionally regulated around him, and we have really great communication around all topics especially sensitive ones like politics, religion, traumas, etc;.

    Being with him now is much different than before when I also had another relationship via a poly-dynamic. Now that we are exclusive, I get to see him wholly. He is safe, grounded, and comfortable and with that he is the most consistent, affectionate, compassionate, and loving man I know.

    the cherry on top is that we are both so wildly attracted to each other and can’t keep our hands off. we try new things, don’t hesitate to learn about each other’s bodies and what feels good…he fished my Diva ring out of my vagina yesterday after sex (got lodged and I freaked out a bit!), so i would say yeah it’s gotten pretty intimate.

    With all of these beautiful things in mind, I can’t help but to give space to the thoughts in the back of my mind – rightfully so, as I’m trying to protect myself- that Ive only known him for approximately 4.5 months.

    is that enough time to start thinking about these types of things or am I being overly cautious from my prior relationship?

    I will say that the on-set of my last relationship was much different. I remember I would do or say anything for her to like me. I tried really hard and in turn 6 years later, I had lost myself completely to the idea of what I felt I needed to be for her.

    Going into this with him, I feel drastically more confident in myself. I know myself tremendously better than when I was 24. I am 31 now. I have experienced so much and have learned what is and isn’t important to me. How i value my time, what i like to do for myself, and how to hold those boundaries. He respects that and I of course encourage him to do the same.

    There are no butterflies and intense anxiety like I had with her. With him I feel comfortable (most of the time – sometimes, he stares at me and I just don’t know what to do with that). Don’t get me wrong, I feel excitement to see him. I feel really great chemistry and connection. I just don’t feel like my nervous system pays the price for it this go-around.

    Maybe that’s why I find myself leaning into all the love he is giving me, the talks of the future, and what our lives could be like. maybe that’s why i can picture him being the father of my kids and perhaps getting married someday. I think my heart sputters thinking about it out of excitement, and fear that maybe I’m feeling too deeply too soon. That i should be acting ‘smarter’ around my feelings as to not get myself hurt.

    At this point I ask that protector/manager side of myself, ‘when is enough, enough?’ To what degree am I comfortable with you stepping back and letting chips fall where they may?

    I believe I’m doing a great job in Therapy being mindful of data points that he gives me regarding his past, his job, and lots of other things that I have never been exposed to before. He’s had a very very difficult life, filled with trauma, violence, abandonment, and heartache. In no way do these things impact our relationship negatively because he has done so much work for himself, but my heart has to ask the questions before I leap – which is what i’ve been doing lately.

    So yeah, my protectors are at play. He is making me feel so secure. how do I approach balance? how soon is too soon – is there even a timeline when it comes to these things?

    or am i just thinking way too much. I should enjoy this. eat up all this love he is giving me because it feels so fulfilling. stop questioning everything – I mean don’t stop asking questions and being curious – but give the relationships a little extra grace and optimism that all is safe. all is okay. He has not given me any indication that I am not safe and I should honor that.

    most importantly, I’ve done a lot of work over the last year learning how to trust myself all over again. I learned an incredible amount about myself, my heart, my boundaries, attachment, needs, passions, my body and sex, etc; I have done such an excellent job navigating all the people and situations in my life this past year to align with all of these factors – ensuring that they are in alignment, or if not, that I manage them.

    I have come forward to my parents on our relationship; assessing my attachment needs and applying them, I have navigated the relationship with my body – PCOs, cervical cancer cells, birth control, and what sex is supposed to feel like, and I have see people come and go as they were supposed to in the chapters of my life.

    The common theme is that I made all of this happen and I trusted myself that i was making the right choices, or the best choices with the information i had. looking back i truly don’t feel like i made any mistakes and i had my best interest in mind.

    with all of that data in mind, how can i not trust myself with this relationship? i will be okay and i won’t have any regrets because i am moving forward with full transparency, my full heart and the trust that I’ve got me.

    I’ve got me. I wouldn’t let myself compromise or hurt myself for the love of another person again because I’m not her anymore. she is a far away person that I hold dearly in my heart and that is it.

    I am a grown woman now with a voice and a strong one at that. i don’t let people tell me how to feel, how to act, how to ‘be’. i am a full person and deserve a full, whole love that emphasizes all that I am and am growing into.

    With him, I don’t feel lost in myself or in him. I am me, I am grounded, and i am whole.

    so, i’m going to let this unfold naturally without tracking ‘how long’ and more so just being mindful of how the pace feels day by day; ensuring alignment as we go.

  • Who Fills What Cup?: The Poly Dynamic of a +1

    In the last 15 days I have moved to the “I love you” you stage with one partner, and the spending a weekend together stage with the other partner. In the middle of all of that, my mind has been running circles around expectations for both relationships. How deep do I want to go with one vs. the other? Is it weird to recycle pet names? What about date ideas?

    The ‘love’ partner and I had a night where we danced bachata in my living room and played a board game. The other partner and I were faced with the no internet issue and did the exact same thing for lack of the movie night we anticipated. Mind you – I don’t have a lot of options in my apartment so late at night, which was the case for both of these days, but it did feel a little weird.

    Let’s not forget the similarities between both of these guys too that is just downright fucking weird and coincidental. Both men are Mexican, about the same age, have similar hobbies, both can’t dance bachata/salsa for shit, they both wear socks with sandals and don’t like spicy food, are/have been ongoing into therapy and seem to have a strong EQ, grew up and loved sports, and who knows what else.

    Back when the ‘love’ partner and I started dating, I was awestruck at how stable our attachment was. How grounded, adult, and nourishing it felt to be with someone who knew exactly how to love me. I would tell my therapist, “I need another guy like this, but that isn’t married or has a kid….or plans to move!”, but of course I said verbatim, “I need another X [redacting name]”. My therapist would call me out and say no, no you don’t. You just need someone who treats you similarly, like she didn’t want me to hyperfocus on finding someone just like him.

    I guess I accidentally did. No exactly, but it’s a little uncanny. On top of that, the ‘love’ partner’s wife’s poly partner is an ex-marine & cop just like my other guy. We encountered a little bit of coincidental awkwardness around ‘love’ partner’s jealousy at the trend, sensitivity to his ego/masculinity, on top of everything else.

    As I’m navigating both men, naturally comparing them to one another, I am beginning to trace threads of each relationship to how my heart wants to be held together. The ‘love’ partner offers a deep, sensitive relationship focused around talking about feelings, self-improvement, a softer sex and meaningful emotional connection. He offers deep emotional support and great sex.

    My other partner, so far, offers excitement and edge. He’s mysterious and sexy with his tattoos and rugged appearance. He cusses and makes dark humored jokes, and is more sexually expressive. He opens every door for me, grasps me by the back of the neck when we walk (in a hot way), can’t stop touching me, and calls me every kind of sweet name he can in spanish. He is accessible, present, and supportive. He makes the plans and takes direction, and he pushes me to the inside of the sidewalk away from the road. he offers deep emotional support and great sex + regular presence in my life due to no kids/wife.

    As I move forward, I’m learning more and more about myself; how i want to be loved, how I want to love, in what areas do I crave excitement and thrill versus grounded love and is that sustainable long term if both these men stay in my life? Did I accidentally gravitate toward this second person and all the similarities in search of a replicate of my ‘love’ partner that is more accessible? That can offer a future?

    I still have so much to learn.

  • Polyamory & Finding The Second Somebody

    There have been some advancements since my last post around polyamory. I shared that I had been in a relationship with a man who is married and has a 6-year-old kid and the discomforts that come along with it. Don’t worry, they are discomforts that are easily trumped by the positives. The positives being that we have a very secure attachment, that he treats me like a queen and gives me all the love, support, and kindness a woman could ever want….well, on a biweekly basis.

    With his schedule, work, and family, I only see him twice a month. We text every day and have deep conversations to really build upon the emotional connection, but physically we’re only cuddling, holding hands, kissing, and having sex for approximately 5 hours a month (if I’m removing the time allotments for non-physical, in-person intimacy like going out on dates, dinner, and talking).

    This means that this man is going home to his wife and kid, having a whole life outside of ‘us’. That is what I signed up for, and that is perfectly okay. What this means though is for the 28-29 other days out of the month I am up to my own shit with only 1-2 text messages a day to hear about his major life updates, and some sexting.

    That’s enough for him considering his supplementation between me and his wife, but I started to realize it definitely was not enough for me even though I do not want a serious relationship right now. I want what he has eventually – a loving partner that you can come home to, maybe a kid? But right now, I want to see what is out there and explore a little. Polyamory has been such a huge win for me in that way.

    The freedom to not be tied down to one person yet still experience them wholly as they show up for you is an amazing experience. The complete honesty around sexuality, emotional health, and overall, how we work as a species when it comes to attractiveness is a fresh breath of air. Of course, there are boundaries when it comes to how much we share since jealousy is still a very real, very natural thing, but the conversation is still there and I’m grateful.

    For the last month or so, I’ve been on a journey to *procure* another hottie that treats me just as well and I can see more often. Someone perhaps without a family and is emotionally (and physically!) available to show up more in my life. I’ve gone on plenty of bad dates and was starting to think that the ENM/Poly pool was too small.

    I was on the dating apps specifically filtering for those who mention ENM and/or Polyamory in their description because I realized it was difficult to explain – this situation I am in. Having to explain over and over to guys that didn’t know anything about it felt exhausting. The mind mapping around an individual to determine if they can 1. handle ENM 2. be honest about sexual partners and provide test results 3. AND show up how I need them to emotionally + physically past ‘friends with benefits’? Felt impossible and the dates I had gone on where strike outs.

    One guy mentioned on our date that his girlfriend was having surgery and he actually wouldn’t be available for a while. Another guy told me he sometimes hooks up with a girl that comes to visit him from time to time and how he wants multiple sexual partners outside of his wife (talk about a lot of test results work on my end and tracking). Then there’s the guy that asked me about my birth control status in the first date and said that in our next date we should get ‘freaky’?

    I’ve also learned if they are a DJ, just fucking swipe left. I went on a date with two in one week by accident and talk about a double whammy dud.

    Then I found him. Didn’t have ENM or Poly listed on his profile but has dabbled with it in the past. Is an ex-marine, current cop and doesn’t appear to have a superiority complex or arrogance along with it. A really good guy with a kind heart that just wants to do good by it. At first, I was concerned with his lack of communication, but I brought it up and we talked about our attachment styles and since then we’ve clicked like we are now on the same page with what we want, and how we want it.

    It took me a moment to crack him open with sexual conversations, but now that that door is open (though we aren’t having sex because logistics and timing), I’m getting all the right feelings that he can match my freak and so that’s another checkbox.

    We started to spend time together and after the first date we saw each other the two nights after. My current partner mentioned getting jealous at how easily we could see each other. Probably putting it together how inaccessible he is. This new guy lives closer, has more time to spend with me, can be spontaneous and we don’t have to always be at my apartment because he has a wife at home. This new person could really give me the things I need to fill the other portion of my cup.

    They have completely different personalities and overall different masculine vibes. My current guy is a therapist, very in-tune, but hyper focused on divine masculinity and being a protective container in my life. He knows boundaries, can regulate my nervous system, all while being incredibly sexy.

    This new man has a deep broody past of childhood trauma that has been worked out in the marines and years of therapy. His past is rocky, but he’s overcome a lot and is still putting in the work. His job is intense as a cop, but when he is with me, he is calm, grounding and playful. He opens every door, fights to pay every bill (even though I refuse), holds my hand and makes every opportunity to touch me which I obsess over, he smiles at me in a way that I can tell he really means it – like he is observing me and soaking me in, he makes me feel wanted, sexy, and most importantly heard and appreciated.

    The way he looked at me while I shared tidbits about my parents to him with seriousness and genuine attentiveness hit home for me in a way that made me have to touch grass and remember my own traumas could attach unknowingly if I’m not careful. That I could really like this guy out of starvation If I’m not mindful.

    I need to be more careful with him though. He told me he had a drinking problem while with his ex-wife, before he started going to therapy and deep diving into processing his past. He was raised very machismo, which I’ll give him all the credit for being real about and being vulnerable with me on multiple accounts. I guess I’m just worried that with comfort and possible sadness & stress, as life loves to provide, perhaps he could tip toe back into old habits. You add feelings to the mix and that’s where everything could blow up.

    Then we have all of the questions and streams of thought that go into adding a second partner in my orbit.

    How do I prevent more jealousy from my primary partner? How do I monitor that effectively? What do I share? What don’t I share? What should I share with the second partner? He doesn’t ask much – should I volunteer the information?

    Going through the mental work of requesting STD results from the new partner is one thing, but what if the sex actually isn’t good and I used up all the emotional & logistical work between me and my primary for a dud?

    This is so brand new. A very fun experience but oh my god am I hoping it goes smoothly.

  • Polyamory & The Polycule: My Complications

    I went on a date this morning with a man that asked me, “So, how long have you been in the lifestyle?”


    I felt a little embarrassment for sharing that I was quite new to it, I think for fear of being perceived as inexperienced and thus maybe too much work – too complicated.


    That probably stems a little from a guy earlier this year who vetoed our friends with benefits set-up due to the fact I haven’t had much sex with men for 7 years considering I was in a relationship with a woman for a long while. It got too ‘complicated’. In fact, the observations of most men when I tell them this is generally hesitation.


    I can understand that in a certain lens of him knowing exactly he wanted. He wanted a girl that could deep-throat his dick (mind you, it is large) and I wasn’t up for the job, at least not at that time. I was just re-learning how to give a blow job again – hello.


    I understand Polyamory is a whole other beast than learning how to move past your gag reflex and learning sex with men again, but the common theme for me these past 5 months has been ‘inexperience’, so admitting to another one gave me the cringe as I told him the truth.


    We had spent hours talking; casually looping in details of our current partners, sexual needs, and other tidbits of ‘lifestyle’ information that would help determine our compatibility.


    It occurred to me as we were talking that finding another partner to join this ‘Polycule’ I stumbled into wouldn’t be easy business. Not only do I need to find them attractive, communicative, and emotionally aware but they needed to be vetted by basically everyone in my current polycule based on STI results, status, and at a frequency that is relative to any additional sexual partners that come into play.


    This guy told me he has his wife, one woman that travels into town once a month, and could seek an additional partner outside of me if we moved forward. His wife is also seeking partners. That is 3+ people I would be adding in, just to hook up with this one guy regularly.


    On top of that he shared his wife has herpes flare ups (tested positive). Which means that I would of course need to relay that to the entire team – yes, that’s what I’m calling them now- and get their stamp of approval first.

    This is nothing like what I was doing in the beginning of the year meeting guys on Tinder and just hooking up with them. It was a very dangerous and I’m lucky I came out of it clean, but I did very minimal work compared to this. I also had very limited emotional connection, communication, and genuine intimacy with those men.


    I would never go back there, but I’m really just starting to process through exactly what I got myself into.


    When the date ended I walked away feeling more overwhelmed and confused. He checked the boxes of attractiveness, communicative, and emotionally aware however the multiple partners, FWB attitude, and his wife’s results made me think, “oh my god, is this too complicated?”


    I’m sitting here reflecting on this inexperience complex thinking sad about how I might be too complicated for others while also considering the same for him being too much. I realize in this moment that it really isn’t about me – other people’s version of ‘complicated’. It’s their emotional and physical bandwidth. How much are we willing to give? Is it worth it? What is the fucking ROI here?


    Perhaps the deep-throat guy was like, “if this is too much for her, maybe my other needs won’t be met.” If someone was to not want to move forward with me because my inexperience of polyamory it could be that they don’t have the mental space to walk through it, perhaps they just got out of a similar situation and it was draining. Perhaps they have an insecurity of committing for someone to realize the lifestyle isn’t for them?


    I’m sitting here thinking about my date in a similar, but opposite way, “This is a big commit for me when I’m already going through so much and I just got into this other relationship a month ago. It might be too soon to consider complicating things further.”


    My date texted me just a moment ago saying he had such a nice time and how he was hoping to kiss me, but couldn’t read it. Why do I feel guilty? As If I’m letting down the world by sharing my feelings.


    I’ve been asked on many dates in the last few months and have exercised all sorts of no’s like, “I’m seeing someone”, “I’m not dating right now”, “I’m moving in a year” – I’ve had clear and easy outs that would make anyone say – “yeah that makes sense”.


    Not to say my reason, that I can’t handle something like this right now, doesn’t make sense, but that it’s a new one for me and giving that reason when I’ve heard it a few times this last few months makes me nervous to make the other person feel the way I did. Complicated.