Tag: diary

If you didn’t read my last post you definitely should start there. the comparison between then and now, which was just a mere 6 days ago, is wild and I can’t help but laugh

Sunday morning I reached out to my ex (we will call him Alex) that I broke up with 3 weeks ago.

“I want you to fuck me. i want you to pick me up and fuck me in your truck” (classy right?)

We broke it off because I was in a polyamorous relationship with a man i’ve been seeing for 6 months and alex learned pretty late in that he just didn’t feel he could get deeper with me because of that. He didn’t feel he could feel safe and secure knowing there was another person in the picture and He didn’t realize this all until after we broke up. I was incredibly unsure and anxious about where we stood – he was being inconsistent and distant; hot & cold. i couldn’t take it anymore. during our closure conversation, everything came out and i watched him actively process his feelings. he expressed having deeper feelings, but got scared knowing that he would have to share me and thought perhaps I would end up leaving down the road.

I was heartbroken because i had invested quite a bit of vulnerability and effort into him. after it was all said and done, I reflected that this was the first relationship where i broke up with someone and i really truly didn’t want to do it – i really liked him.

two weeks after we broke up though and I couldn’t help myself. I laid in bed thinking about our sex life (as I had done many times since we broke it off) and impulsively sent that text. I laughed to myself because this is so me…making jump decisions in the heat of a moment. I prepared myself for no answer and laughed it off as time went by with no response until it finally came through,

“stop it, i just had a dream that we were fucking in a restaurant.”

Next thing i knew we made plans for that night. the energy in the text messages that followed until we met up were met with so much flirtation and excitement to see each other. I noticed immediately that he was more expressive in his texts, more bold and daring than ever before.

i changed my outfit about 50 times before that last text came in, “I’m outside when you’re ready”.

…

i take a deep breathe in the elevator on the way down. i wonder what it will be like seeing him after two weeks – will he be himself or a new person that we’ve created for this friends with benefits arrangement. i picture both sides and mentally prepare myself for the latter just in case; feeling my heart drop into my stomach at the thought.

I step out of the lobby and onto the sidewalk looking both ways for his truck and then I see him standing near his taillight with his hands in the pockets of his cop uniform. my lips immediately tip upward at the look of his usual smile. Relieved, i walk into his arms for a hug and then he pulls away and gives me a quick kiss before opening up the truck door as he usually does. I think i opened this door maybe once on my own and it was because it was raining and we were rushing for cover.

I do the thing i always do. as he is shutting the door behind me I catch his eyes – though usually i would stick out my tongue, make a funny face or my most appreciative smile – this time i gave him a smile that said, ‘i’ve missed this.’ he returned it right back and my entire insides were squealing watching him smile as he rounded the front of the truck. fuuuuck.

shit shit shit. this was supposed to be light, friends with benefits, and here I am stupidly wishing he decides to hold my hand like he would always do without fail. he doesn’t and something in my chest sours slightly at the realization.

As we are catching up, I distract myself with any possible topic that i could muster up that’s relevant to the almost 3 months we’ve spent together – ‘how are the dogs?’ ‘how is work-did you get that promotion?’ ‘how is the family?’, etc;. As he answers, I passively keep reminding myself that we can’t have each other.

i’m with another man (we’ll call him Gio) in an ethical non-monogamous relationship. Though we are more surface level considering we only see each other for approx 10-12 hours a month, the discomfort of breaking that off is considerable. He told me he loved me 2 months ago and though i don’t believe i can return the feelings considering the nature of our relationship, crushing his (or anyones for that matter) feels really diffiult.

alex starts to pull into a park. it’s quiet, dark, and maybe has 3 streetlamps and enough trees to be secluded enough from the road. we look at each other and smile before he leans in and we just full-on make out. we fuck in the back of his truck and between the laughs of adjusting and taking each others clothes off while hitting the windows or roof, we’re smiling and he says, ‘i’ve missed you.’

few moments later, he says ‘lets get taco bell’ and jesus fuck i was on cloud nine. we get dressed and slide back into the front seat with more laughs and even a short competition to see who can get there pants on the fastest with minimal room (i won) and then he did the thing – he grabbed my hand and held it the rest of the way to taco bell (romantic right?) and then on over to his house for the night.

we sat down for a scary movie, went up to his room for bed and had sex before falling asleep cuddling the entire night. i’m really enforcing these friends with benefits boundaries…but i have no self-control.

without any expectations or plans for the next day we spend it fucking, cuddling, eating, playing Halo, watching football, and fucking more. what ended up being my most favorite part of this whole stay was after we took a shower together. I bundled up in his sweat pants and hoodie as we laid on the bed, moving into weird angles subconsciously like we were talking on the phone with a crush in highschool.

regardless of how we were laying, we kept eye contact and talked about life – our relationship before we broke it off, where we are now, sex, etc; – just connecting. I had this overwhelming surge of affection and excitement thinking about what this could be like if we gave it a real chance. I laid there processing this live…outloud with him.

that day was so wonderful that i felt i had to write about it. I want to hold on to this memory and keep it forever, even if it doesn’t work out with us and it all goes to shit. It was the perfect day.

cut-to the rest of the fucking week and my heart is aching and i mean gut-wrenching ache. I wanted this with alex, and i also knew that gio will never mean anything more to me than what we have now. Over a fuck ton of journaling and just sitting, doing nothing and processing It occurred to me that I was doing the same thing to gio that alex was doing to me. attempting to hold on to something that in my heart I couldn’t completely commit to due to the dynamics of it all. I didn’t see gio enough to form a strong bond, and the other half of this ENM relationships is that Gio has a wife and a kid- a full-ass family. i couldn’t see myself getting to deep with someone i couldn’t have a future like that with. he already had one of his own, but i stuck around because i enjoyed his company.

it was all a big loop.

I broke up with gio last night and though it was really really difficult and took a few hours of tear s and conversation, i knew it had to be done. what is absolutely wild though, is if i didn’t impulsively text Alex none of this would have happened. I would have continued to coast with gio for the sex and company, and never allowed myself to be fucking real with where my heart is at. I’m sure it would have came eventually. but who knows if i would have missed out on alex by that time.

life can change so quickly, but life really changes the most when you push it forward and make those decisions. Follow your gut instincts and take risks. Alex and i are discussing what a relationship could look like, while i concluded a relationship that was holding me back in other ways.

in 6 days my whole life just shifted all because i was horny and decided to just send the text.