Hello Coco : A diary

Tag: ethical-non-monogamy

  • one horny text later…

    If you didn’t read my last post you definitely should start there. the comparison between then and now, which was just a mere 6 days ago, is wild and I can’t help but laugh

    Sunday morning I reached out to my ex (we will call him Alex) that I broke up with 3 weeks ago.

    “I want you to fuck me. i want you to pick me up and fuck me in your truck” (classy right?)

    We broke it off because I was in a polyamorous relationship with a man i’ve been seeing for 6 months and alex learned pretty late in that he just didn’t feel he could get deeper with me because of that. He didn’t feel he could feel safe and secure knowing there was another person in the picture and He didn’t realize this all until after we broke up. I was incredibly unsure and anxious about where we stood – he was being inconsistent and distant; hot & cold. i couldn’t take it anymore. during our closure conversation, everything came out and i watched him actively process his feelings. he expressed having deeper feelings, but got scared knowing that he would have to share me and thought perhaps I would end up leaving down the road.

    I was heartbroken because i had invested quite a bit of vulnerability and effort into him. after it was all said and done, I reflected that this was the first relationship where i broke up with someone and i really truly didn’t want to do it – i really liked him.

    two weeks after we broke up though and I couldn’t help myself. I laid in bed thinking about our sex life (as I had done many times since we broke it off) and impulsively sent that text. I laughed to myself because this is so me…making jump decisions in the heat of a moment. I prepared myself for no answer and laughed it off as time went by with no response until it finally came through,

    “stop it, i just had a dream that we were fucking in a restaurant.”

    Next thing i knew we made plans for that night. the energy in the text messages that followed until we met up were met with so much flirtation and excitement to see each other. I noticed immediately that he was more expressive in his texts, more bold and daring than ever before.

    i changed my outfit about 50 times before that last text came in, “I’m outside when you’re ready”.

    …

    i take a deep breathe in the elevator on the way down. i wonder what it will be like seeing him after two weeks – will he be himself or a new person that we’ve created for this friends with benefits arrangement. i picture both sides and mentally prepare myself for the latter just in case; feeling my heart drop into my stomach at the thought.

    I step out of the lobby and onto the sidewalk looking both ways for his truck and then I see him standing near his taillight with his hands in the pockets of his cop uniform. my lips immediately tip upward at the look of his usual smile. Relieved, i walk into his arms for a hug and then he pulls away and gives me a quick kiss before opening up the truck door as he usually does. I think i opened this door maybe once on my own and it was because it was raining and we were rushing for cover.

    I do the thing i always do. as he is shutting the door behind me I catch his eyes – though usually i would stick out my tongue, make a funny face or my most appreciative smile – this time i gave him a smile that said, ‘i’ve missed this.’ he returned it right back and my entire insides were squealing watching him smile as he rounded the front of the truck. fuuuuck.

    shit shit shit. this was supposed to be light, friends with benefits, and here I am stupidly wishing he decides to hold my hand like he would always do without fail. he doesn’t and something in my chest sours slightly at the realization.

    As we are catching up, I distract myself with any possible topic that i could muster up that’s relevant to the almost 3 months we’ve spent together – ‘how are the dogs?’ ‘how is work-did you get that promotion?’ ‘how is the family?’, etc;. As he answers, I passively keep reminding myself that we can’t have each other.

    i’m with another man (we’ll call him Gio) in an ethical non-monogamous relationship. Though we are more surface level considering we only see each other for approx 10-12 hours a month, the discomfort of breaking that off is considerable. He told me he loved me 2 months ago and though i don’t believe i can return the feelings considering the nature of our relationship, crushing his (or anyones for that matter) feels really diffiult.

    alex starts to pull into a park. it’s quiet, dark, and maybe has 3 streetlamps and enough trees to be secluded enough from the road. we look at each other and smile before he leans in and we just full-on make out. we fuck in the back of his truck and between the laughs of adjusting and taking each others clothes off while hitting the windows or roof, we’re smiling and he says, ‘i’ve missed you.’

    few moments later, he says ‘lets get taco bell’ and jesus fuck i was on cloud nine. we get dressed and slide back into the front seat with more laughs and even a short competition to see who can get there pants on the fastest with minimal room (i won) and then he did the thing – he grabbed my hand and held it the rest of the way to taco bell (romantic right?) and then on over to his house for the night.

    we sat down for a scary movie, went up to his room for bed and had sex before falling asleep cuddling the entire night. i’m really enforcing these friends with benefits boundaries…but i have no self-control.

    without any expectations or plans for the next day we spend it fucking, cuddling, eating, playing Halo, watching football, and fucking more. what ended up being my most favorite part of this whole stay was after we took a shower together. I bundled up in his sweat pants and hoodie as we laid on the bed, moving into weird angles subconsciously like we were talking on the phone with a crush in highschool.

    regardless of how we were laying, we kept eye contact and talked about life – our relationship before we broke it off, where we are now, sex, etc; – just connecting. I had this overwhelming surge of affection and excitement thinking about what this could be like if we gave it a real chance. I laid there processing this live…outloud with him.

    that day was so wonderful that i felt i had to write about it. I want to hold on to this memory and keep it forever, even if it doesn’t work out with us and it all goes to shit. It was the perfect day.

    cut-to the rest of the fucking week and my heart is aching and i mean gut-wrenching ache. I wanted this with alex, and i also knew that gio will never mean anything more to me than what we have now. Over a fuck ton of journaling and just sitting, doing nothing and processing It occurred to me that I was doing the same thing to gio that alex was doing to me. attempting to hold on to something that in my heart I couldn’t completely commit to due to the dynamics of it all. I didn’t see gio enough to form a strong bond, and the other half of this ENM relationships is that Gio has a wife and a kid- a full-ass family. i couldn’t see myself getting to deep with someone i couldn’t have a future like that with. he already had one of his own, but i stuck around because i enjoyed his company.

    it was all a big loop.

    I broke up with gio last night and though it was really really difficult and took a few hours of tear s and conversation, i knew it had to be done. what is absolutely wild though, is if i didn’t impulsively text Alex none of this would have happened. I would have continued to coast with gio for the sex and company, and never allowed myself to be fucking real with where my heart is at. I’m sure it would have came eventually. but who knows if i would have missed out on alex by that time.

    life can change so quickly, but life really changes the most when you push it forward and make those decisions. Follow your gut instincts and take risks. Alex and i are discussing what a relationship could look like, while i concluded a relationship that was holding me back in other ways.

    in 6 days my whole life just shifted all because i was horny and decided to just send the text.

  • Touching Grass

    Sometimes I dream about this blog feeling like Carrie Bradshaw’s with her quippy one-liners and cringy analogies linking sex to literally everything you can imagine in a day-to-day life. In the last few months, that’s what it felt like, writing here and talking about sex, dating, boys, and polyamory. Like any show that you binge watch too much of though, it gets exhausting living on one plane of existence and ignoring reality.

    My reality right now is that I flew too close to the sun with boys. Sure, I’m being spoiled by two different men in very different ways that fill my cup fully, but I find myself looking down at my phone focused on text messages, plans, and responding to reels, snapchats, and providing deep emotional attention to two different people on the daily.

    You add work on top of that, and it doesn’t leave a whole lot left for me. The need to touch grass and sit in the sun is becoming more of a crucial need than anything else as the days continue on. Sitting in these feelings and digging deep, I’ve confirmed that having both of these men in my life is a value-add, but the balance is off.

    Something I notice about myself is when I start spending a lot of money, eating out, making excuses for another iced coffee, making impromptu target runs, etc; it’s because the balance is off with my creative side. It’s because I haven’t written in a while or haven’t dipped into any of my creative hobbies. I’m filling the space with cheap dopamine like shopping and scrolling. Adding the boys into that took the cake. I started to walk away from each day missing my inner core, feeling like it was spent and there was nothing left to give myself.

    In a lot of ways, it actually feels like I’m balancing four different people. The very sensitive partner, the edgier partner that I’m still trying to crack, then my inner child and my adult/parenting self. We all want and need different things from each other and maintaining that balance while also making the time to just sit in silence to process it all it hard.

    So, as unsexy this post is in that it’s not about sex or my guys – I have to take pause to navigate the relationship I have with myself through it all. What do I want? What do I need? How does that impact each and every day as I continue to move forward?

    Does it mean boundaries on my phone and limiting more communication to actual in-person time? Does it mean just limiting my engagement to a certain time frame during the day? Does it mean having a wake up & bedtime routine that is just for me and not anyone else? Could it mean just not responding as quickly?

    My biggest fear is losing myself in a relationship like I did with her. Letting myself ebb and flow to the patterns of another person instead of my own flow. Putting other people first before myself when it comes to my time, decisions, and efforts. I don’t want to ever do that again, not full-time at least as it was. I need to follow my intuition and what she tells me in moments like this, “just stay home tonight,”, “just turn off your phone,”, “Go to bed and rest.”

    It’s funny that I say all of these things, but just in the last 24 hours or so I found myself upset and actually emotional that I couldn’t see one of my partners as I had hoped I would. I was drunk, out dancing on my own, and there was a chance he’d get off work and be able to meet up with me. It was 12:30 A.M when he messaged saying it wasn’t going to happen. I was so devastated because I had been casually looking around the club for his face to show up at any moment.

    What happened was he had a bad night at work. He’s a cop so it’s pretty unpredictable and a lot of what he deals with is grueling. I understand and I was so very bummed. I waited for him to text me all morning and afternoon until I finally fucking caved and decided to let my vulnerability show through. I was feeling so hyper-sensitive and sad that perhaps it wasn’t that he couldn’t see me, but that he just didn’t want to. And then not texting me until I texted him first? EW. If you know then you know, feeling like you are even slightly chasing a man feels like your power being ripped from you.

    I was feeling sad and hypersensitive from my period coming and under medicating because I forgot to order a refill. Mix that altogether with loneliness and boys – it was a rough morning. He reassured me that he wanted to make it up to me, that he wants to see me as soon as possible, etc; etc; etc; but god…what is this feeling?

    I’m sitting here typing about how I need my space and that I need to touch grass, but when I get the slight chance to see him my whole world just…stops to watch.

    EW.

  • Who Fills What Cup?: The Poly Dynamic of a +1

    In the last 15 days I have moved to the “I love you” you stage with one partner, and the spending a weekend together stage with the other partner. In the middle of all of that, my mind has been running circles around expectations for both relationships. How deep do I want to go with one vs. the other? Is it weird to recycle pet names? What about date ideas?

    The ‘love’ partner and I had a night where we danced bachata in my living room and played a board game. The other partner and I were faced with the no internet issue and did the exact same thing for lack of the movie night we anticipated. Mind you – I don’t have a lot of options in my apartment so late at night, which was the case for both of these days, but it did feel a little weird.

    Let’s not forget the similarities between both of these guys too that is just downright fucking weird and coincidental. Both men are Mexican, about the same age, have similar hobbies, both can’t dance bachata/salsa for shit, they both wear socks with sandals and don’t like spicy food, are/have been ongoing into therapy and seem to have a strong EQ, grew up and loved sports, and who knows what else.

    Back when the ‘love’ partner and I started dating, I was awestruck at how stable our attachment was. How grounded, adult, and nourishing it felt to be with someone who knew exactly how to love me. I would tell my therapist, “I need another guy like this, but that isn’t married or has a kid….or plans to move!”, but of course I said verbatim, “I need another X [redacting name]”. My therapist would call me out and say no, no you don’t. You just need someone who treats you similarly, like she didn’t want me to hyperfocus on finding someone just like him.

    I guess I accidentally did. No exactly, but it’s a little uncanny. On top of that, the ‘love’ partner’s wife’s poly partner is an ex-marine & cop just like my other guy. We encountered a little bit of coincidental awkwardness around ‘love’ partner’s jealousy at the trend, sensitivity to his ego/masculinity, on top of everything else.

    As I’m navigating both men, naturally comparing them to one another, I am beginning to trace threads of each relationship to how my heart wants to be held together. The ‘love’ partner offers a deep, sensitive relationship focused around talking about feelings, self-improvement, a softer sex and meaningful emotional connection. He offers deep emotional support and great sex.

    My other partner, so far, offers excitement and edge. He’s mysterious and sexy with his tattoos and rugged appearance. He cusses and makes dark humored jokes, and is more sexually expressive. He opens every door for me, grasps me by the back of the neck when we walk (in a hot way), can’t stop touching me, and calls me every kind of sweet name he can in spanish. He is accessible, present, and supportive. He makes the plans and takes direction, and he pushes me to the inside of the sidewalk away from the road. he offers deep emotional support and great sex + regular presence in my life due to no kids/wife.

    As I move forward, I’m learning more and more about myself; how i want to be loved, how I want to love, in what areas do I crave excitement and thrill versus grounded love and is that sustainable long term if both these men stay in my life? Did I accidentally gravitate toward this second person and all the similarities in search of a replicate of my ‘love’ partner that is more accessible? That can offer a future?

    I still have so much to learn.

  • Polyamory & Finding The Second Somebody

    There have been some advancements since my last post around polyamory. I shared that I had been in a relationship with a man who is married and has a 6-year-old kid and the discomforts that come along with it. Don’t worry, they are discomforts that are easily trumped by the positives. The positives being that we have a very secure attachment, that he treats me like a queen and gives me all the love, support, and kindness a woman could ever want….well, on a biweekly basis.

    With his schedule, work, and family, I only see him twice a month. We text every day and have deep conversations to really build upon the emotional connection, but physically we’re only cuddling, holding hands, kissing, and having sex for approximately 5 hours a month (if I’m removing the time allotments for non-physical, in-person intimacy like going out on dates, dinner, and talking).

    This means that this man is going home to his wife and kid, having a whole life outside of ‘us’. That is what I signed up for, and that is perfectly okay. What this means though is for the 28-29 other days out of the month I am up to my own shit with only 1-2 text messages a day to hear about his major life updates, and some sexting.

    That’s enough for him considering his supplementation between me and his wife, but I started to realize it definitely was not enough for me even though I do not want a serious relationship right now. I want what he has eventually – a loving partner that you can come home to, maybe a kid? But right now, I want to see what is out there and explore a little. Polyamory has been such a huge win for me in that way.

    The freedom to not be tied down to one person yet still experience them wholly as they show up for you is an amazing experience. The complete honesty around sexuality, emotional health, and overall, how we work as a species when it comes to attractiveness is a fresh breath of air. Of course, there are boundaries when it comes to how much we share since jealousy is still a very real, very natural thing, but the conversation is still there and I’m grateful.

    For the last month or so, I’ve been on a journey to *procure* another hottie that treats me just as well and I can see more often. Someone perhaps without a family and is emotionally (and physically!) available to show up more in my life. I’ve gone on plenty of bad dates and was starting to think that the ENM/Poly pool was too small.

    I was on the dating apps specifically filtering for those who mention ENM and/or Polyamory in their description because I realized it was difficult to explain – this situation I am in. Having to explain over and over to guys that didn’t know anything about it felt exhausting. The mind mapping around an individual to determine if they can 1. handle ENM 2. be honest about sexual partners and provide test results 3. AND show up how I need them to emotionally + physically past ‘friends with benefits’? Felt impossible and the dates I had gone on where strike outs.

    One guy mentioned on our date that his girlfriend was having surgery and he actually wouldn’t be available for a while. Another guy told me he sometimes hooks up with a girl that comes to visit him from time to time and how he wants multiple sexual partners outside of his wife (talk about a lot of test results work on my end and tracking). Then there’s the guy that asked me about my birth control status in the first date and said that in our next date we should get ‘freaky’?

    I’ve also learned if they are a DJ, just fucking swipe left. I went on a date with two in one week by accident and talk about a double whammy dud.

    Then I found him. Didn’t have ENM or Poly listed on his profile but has dabbled with it in the past. Is an ex-marine, current cop and doesn’t appear to have a superiority complex or arrogance along with it. A really good guy with a kind heart that just wants to do good by it. At first, I was concerned with his lack of communication, but I brought it up and we talked about our attachment styles and since then we’ve clicked like we are now on the same page with what we want, and how we want it.

    It took me a moment to crack him open with sexual conversations, but now that that door is open (though we aren’t having sex because logistics and timing), I’m getting all the right feelings that he can match my freak and so that’s another checkbox.

    We started to spend time together and after the first date we saw each other the two nights after. My current partner mentioned getting jealous at how easily we could see each other. Probably putting it together how inaccessible he is. This new guy lives closer, has more time to spend with me, can be spontaneous and we don’t have to always be at my apartment because he has a wife at home. This new person could really give me the things I need to fill the other portion of my cup.

    They have completely different personalities and overall different masculine vibes. My current guy is a therapist, very in-tune, but hyper focused on divine masculinity and being a protective container in my life. He knows boundaries, can regulate my nervous system, all while being incredibly sexy.

    This new man has a deep broody past of childhood trauma that has been worked out in the marines and years of therapy. His past is rocky, but he’s overcome a lot and is still putting in the work. His job is intense as a cop, but when he is with me, he is calm, grounding and playful. He opens every door, fights to pay every bill (even though I refuse), holds my hand and makes every opportunity to touch me which I obsess over, he smiles at me in a way that I can tell he really means it – like he is observing me and soaking me in, he makes me feel wanted, sexy, and most importantly heard and appreciated.

    The way he looked at me while I shared tidbits about my parents to him with seriousness and genuine attentiveness hit home for me in a way that made me have to touch grass and remember my own traumas could attach unknowingly if I’m not careful. That I could really like this guy out of starvation If I’m not mindful.

    I need to be more careful with him though. He told me he had a drinking problem while with his ex-wife, before he started going to therapy and deep diving into processing his past. He was raised very machismo, which I’ll give him all the credit for being real about and being vulnerable with me on multiple accounts. I guess I’m just worried that with comfort and possible sadness & stress, as life loves to provide, perhaps he could tip toe back into old habits. You add feelings to the mix and that’s where everything could blow up.

    Then we have all of the questions and streams of thought that go into adding a second partner in my orbit.

    How do I prevent more jealousy from my primary partner? How do I monitor that effectively? What do I share? What don’t I share? What should I share with the second partner? He doesn’t ask much – should I volunteer the information?

    Going through the mental work of requesting STD results from the new partner is one thing, but what if the sex actually isn’t good and I used up all the emotional & logistical work between me and my primary for a dud?

    This is so brand new. A very fun experience but oh my god am I hoping it goes smoothly.

  • The Nasty Feelings of Polyamory

    Ever since ChatGPT told me I should write rage letters to all the people I was holding resentment for (and not send them), it opened up this thrilling door of writing completely and brutally honest without filter. I’m not resentful toward polyamory, but since beginning to explore it just a few short months ago I believe I have some very raw, very brutal things to say. Unfiltered. Unedited.

    Polyamory to a man who has a wife and kid can feel like being a mistress in many ways. The phone calls that aren’t made when the wife is home. The change of plans when the wife says ‘you’ve been spending too much time out of the home lately’. The selective participation in our relationship based on what’s happening over there.

    You’d say that it all makes sense. He has a family – what do you expect? How could I know what to expect? I’ve never been in this position before in my life.

    I’m used to dedicated boyfriends or girlfriends. 1:1 ratio of a couple. The first time I try this and I get an entire family. It’s weird looking in from the outside wanting more and watching someone else have it with him instead. The feelings have deepened and my monogamous tendencies are showing. The jealousy is seeping in.

    People have been telling me to find another partner to even it out. To feel like there is a leveled playing field. To have those other needs met that he can’t give me. That sounds so great, but nothing compares to him. He is a unicorn of a man. A therapist, emotionally intelligent, sexy, considerate, attentive, and showers me in any kind of love I ask for. He’s perfect, but I have to go back out there in the dating world and find another one? I didn’t even know a man like Sam existed in the first place. I want him more and I can’t have it. It’s like a tease from the universe. Of course, I can see it as a lesson that there are men out there and I shouldn’t settle, but fuck I want this one.

    Oh god the worst thing about all of this is that they are moving. Him and his family are moving either before winter or in the spring. His wife has a partner too that she’d be leaving behind. I knew this from the start when I was going through my hoe phase and stumbled on Sam. I told him I didn’t want anything serious anyways because of my recent breakup in December. At the time I was also planning on moving out of state. Low stakes I thought.

    Now I’m faced with the reality that I am going to be inevitably hurt it’s just a matter of when.

    But I’m already getting hurt just in tiny little pricks and slices. When he leaves, I will be completely flayed open with nothing to do about it.

    Weirdly the fuck enough this is the most secure attachment I’ve ever had with a partner. Where the other person is completely honest, intentional, respectful, and understands women. I told myself when I started to catch feeling that “Well, it’s worth the hurt to experience this type of relationship and learn from it.” I’m not sure that’s true anymore. I’m already hurting thinking of him leaving on top of knowing that this man will never be someone serious to me – he can’t be. We won’t ever get married, have kids, move in together…

    It’s wild to think that I’ve only actually been seeing Sam since April 14th. We’ve seen each other on a biweekly schedule, so six times. His curfew is fucking 10pm each time so about 5 hours each date. 30 hours total of being with each other physically over the course of the last 2.5 months. No overnights. But we text every day, multiple times per day.

    He tells me how much he misses me. How obsessed he is with me. But what I see is two little hearts around two calendar dates a month.

    I hate that I feel these feelings. This bubbling up jealousy and anxiety of not being a priority to someone else to the level I want them to when we have such a deep emotional and sexual relationship. It’s new for me. I signed up for all of this, and I’m kicking myself in the ass.

    It’s triggering to my avoidant attachment style I learned from my parents. I want to run away and board up every window I gave to him to see inside me. He knows how I feel. He knows that I am in deep and that feels raw and unsettling knowing that nothing more will ever happen from it. It’s like I’m giving him parts of myself I wish I could take back and protect. I let my heart deep dive into this shit and now I’m bracing for all of the pain that has and will come with it.

    Coming second.