Hello Coco : A diary

Tag: Family

  • My loneliness is killing me: cue Brittney

    Lonely is like knowing that no matter who you reach out to in your circle, no one will respond in the way you really need them to. It’s the sound of no response at all. It’s the feeling of a breadcrumb from a family member you so wished would ask you more questions about your life. It’s the smell of ramen in the microwave and over-played reruns of a familiar guilty – no longer pleasured-pleasure; just played for comfort of familiarity and nostalgia. It’s the sound of my heart cracking in the silence and the burn of tears welling up in my eyes in the shower.

    I didn’t quite know what it would feel like to start back over after 6 years in a relationship with someone you thought you’d be with for much longer. I knew my nights wouldn’t consist of sitting in front of the television with her anymore; mindlessly calling that ‘quality time’. I removed that from my life for more quality, quality time with other connections – friendships, lovers, new partnerships. I’ve had all three these past 8 months, yet I feel so alone most nights when I pull my car into my parking spot and pause before getting out and walking three flights up to my quiet, studio apartment.

    In the wake of rebellion from my parent’s lack of emotional connection, I lost them too. I told them what I needed, and they said no and proceeded to gaslight me and make my feelings all about their feelings. I told them I couldn’t do it anymore.

    I cracked and broke the long-held silence with a, “I hope everything is going okay” text last Sunday to Mom. I had a quiet and sad weekend and so I impulsively caved. I knew she would respond, probably thinking, “I knew it – she was just going through something and now she’s coming back.” Devoid of any accountability or self-awareness. It still sparked something in me to get a response though. A grain of attention and from where my inner child craved it from the most.

    It was short-lived and I moved on.

    Then there’s Sergio. One boy I’ve been seeing 3 months on a biweekly basis as our poly arrangement allows with his wife and kid on the other side of it all. His primary partner living his primary life. I am secondary. So, I found another who maybe could see me as primary – Elder. I see him multiple times per week. Very much present physically. Very much ‘avoidant’, but he’s trying.

    They say you pick your partners based off the patterns of love you learned as a child. I’m quite obviously doing that, even as I navigate therapy and my own anxious avoidant attachment style.

    So, when I have two men here in front of me in different ways and I still feel alone – should I really be all that surprised? I handpicked this love from comfort and nostalgia much like those guilty pleasure shows that are always running in the background, like a sound machine consoling me to sleep. I’m not awake, living different experiences. I’m still asleep in an old love.

    Sometimes I ask myself though if this is it. Is everyone anxious or avoidant? Are there such things as secure attachments really? What is ‘secure’?

    Secure to me feels like intentional love. It feels like full presence in another person’s life experiences. It feels easy. It’s not dependent on your weather – it’s everlasting even through the rain. It feels like when I say I had a bad day you ask, ‘Why? What happened?’ instead of wishing for it to be better in the next breath. GOD. I get so angry thinking about all the times I just want someone to fucking ask. FUCKING. ASK ME. FUCKING CARE.

    What’s going on, Cortney? Tell me more about that. How did that make you feel?

    Instead, I walk through each hurt feeling wondering if the burden I’m feeling is real. I have to guess, I have to wonder if they want to know or they are just being nice, or when I do share are they even listening or are they thinking of what they want to say next.

    Consistency is what sews it all together into secure and safe.

    My beautiful best friend of 15 years does this thing where whenever she has a boyfriend, I’m not as important. The first six months of this year we were both going through it and would talk almost every day. Now nothing. I send her messages just the same, but I get excuses back. What hurts the most is those snapchats I send her when I’m having a really hard day have stacked up on her end and she’s promising to watch them as soon as she can. It’s been weeks. Meanwhile, she texts me her boyfriend problems and expects an immediate response. I don’t want to make my things a big deal, so I leave them on snapchat for her to just watch when I’m a priority again.

    Consistency is what sews it all together into secure and safe…Right?

    My mom and dad of 31 years do this thing where they lump their communications together via one messenger: Mom. She sends the text every month or so, “checking in – how are things going?”. I used to share it all in the next text. I would tell her what I’m up to, what’s happening, wins, pitfalls. She would respond ‘Xoxo’. The dreaded fucking ‘xoxo’ that meant ‘conversation over, thanks for sharing all this to pass along to your father as well but that’s all we wanted. Proof of life.’

    Consistency was spot on – well done – I am consistently expecting you to not care.

    There’s the loving quality consistency that I crave and then the consistency of poor patterns that I still perpetuate because I also crave, even the breadcrumbs of, what feels like care and attention.

    How do you ask for someone to care more? Someone that you truly don’t want to lose?

    I tried that this year and my dad said, “your feelings are your feelings” and my mom said I had too high of expectations. Sergio told me he couldn’t give me more physical presence and Elder Is still growing out of his avoidance and I’m here along for the ride – not wanting to jump off just yet.

    Maybe this is why I’ve been enjoying Poly. More opportunities for care and affection, like I’m starving for it. I’m starving for intimacy.

    So, when I walk into my front door after a night of dancing and forgetting everything into my body, it’s quiet. The lights are off, and I tell my cats, “Let’s warm it up in here” as I flip on the lights, turn on that show, and make the apartment as lively as possible. I show up for myself as often as I possibly can, but when I’m in the shower naked and with nowhere to go, I always end up asking myself ‘when will someone show up for me?’

  • My Avoidant Parents: A Series of Texts

    To Mom: Monday, May 13th 7:21 A.M

    “Hey,

    I’ve been thinking just talking in therapy over the last few years, that our relationship doesn’t go a deep emotionally as I’d prefer. You, me and dad.

    I feel like other than check ins, my cry fits/panic attacks when I call or unless I initiate, we don’t connect deeper past proof of life.

    With my Leep Procedure, when I told you about it in the beginning you responded about tampons instead of acknowledging how it could be making me feel and emotionally supporting me in that way, and you never followed up or asked how I was feeling.

    I feel like you two are always there to problem solve and talk logistics, which is so helpful, but you don’t ask deeper questions or offer to talk about feelings except for when I explicitly initiate it like when we had the breakup conversations last year and I initiate out of desperation with where my head was at.

    I hate always having to initiate anything deeper, it makes me feel like you don’t care (even though I know that’s not true).

    I know this is out of the blue for you but it’s been a common thought since moving around when we were younger with all the moves and my mental health went south, and my feelings were met with a yoga membership and medication.

    I feel if I move out there and change my whole life, I want to start having these conversations.

    Do you agree or how do you feel about that?

    I’m dropping this bomb right before I have to run to work but happy to talk on the phone later.”

    From Mom: Tuesday, May 14th 8:12 A.M

    “Not ignoring, just surprised, hurt angry with your text”

    From Dad: Friday, May 16th 9:05 A.M

    “Call me when you can.”

    Me: “I can’t today with work and plans, how’s tomorrow morning?”

    “When you can. Curious why drama is being drummed up? If you are afraid to tell us you changed your mind on moving back don’t be. Your call we love and support you always.”

    Me: “Drama? My feelings are drama.”

    Dad: “No they are not but texting your mom and not waiting to have a conversation face-to-face or on the phone is.”

    Me: “I’m sorry that the way I shared my feelings wasn’t up to par with your preferences. I did offer a phone call same-day to talk about it more and I didn’t hear a word back until the next morning. I’m happy to talk on the phone, was waiting for you two to process and initiate.

    My feelings aren’t stemmed from changing my mind, the text message explicitly said the feelings were long overdue being said. It’ not a response to being nervous to share a decision. “

    Dad: “Don’t call me tomorrow. Your feelings are your feelings. I have nothing more to say.”

    Me: “I’m asking for more love and support from you two on a deeper level and you can’t even have a conversation about it. You critique how I shared them without even acknowledging the whole point of me sharing them in the first place. That hurts.”

  • Post Break-Up Cause and Effect: Where Do I Go Next?

    There’s a lot we experience when getting out of a long-term relationship. We have the lifestyle shift; not saying good morning and goodnight to the same person everyday, the silence of moving into your own place, the withdrawals from your own language and inside jokes that are no longer relevant, and the change of emergency contact information digesting that they won’t be that person for you anymore.

    You start waking up alone and feeling a sadness in your heart because things are strange and different. You haven’t gotten excited about the ‘new adventure’ yet. Eventually after nights out with friends, drinking, smoking, and all other vices, you start to enjoy coming home to yourself and living inside your own head again. You notice the milk is always in the same place in the fridge and you don’t have to load the dishwasher a specific way to avoid a debate on why the forks should be separated based on their size. You come and go as you please without needing an itinerary and being on-time. You feel relief knowing you don’t need to emotionally regulate another person when your cup is empty. You begin to feel freedom and radical acceptance to your own preferences than expecting push back.

    Then you chop off all your hair, get Lasik and throw out all your glasses that always made you self-conscious. You stop wearing sweatpants altogether, and spend some money on something you’ve always wanted or that vacation you’ve been meaning to take.

    You begin to attend dance classes because you’ve always wanted to try it and you watch and smile as it flourishes into an unexpected ritual of self-care. You begin to develop beautifully platonic connections and start to feel the light come back into your body a little more.

    After some time making these leaps you find yourself asking, ‘Why haven’t I done this sooner?’. The answers to that question causes an internal rift. How scary of you to let yourself coast for so long in discomfort and without regard to your truest wants. You must have really been struggling with your internal compass. You heal some and forgive your family as you also forgive whomever made them feel like they couldn’t exist wholly for what they are – human.

    You begin to exercise and that motivates you to eat healthier, and with all the release of happy chemicals your libido kicks up. You start to fit into your old clothes and you’re feeling more confident and fulfilled on a normal day-to-day basis. You start thinking of other avenues of health to explore like perhaps your fertility, or taking blood tests to learn more about where you can improve. You lean further into therapy, start taking the medications you need, and begin to see yourself in a different frame of mind.

    With the increase in confidence you begin to assert yourself more at work in conversations and projects that stimulate you. You start to develop more of a connection to your coworkers and build on the energy to form relationships even outside of work. Your boss is telling you that they’ve noticed your hard work and your coworker is saying, “you’re a completely different person than when we first met.”

    You pick up that writing project and remember how much you love it. With your newfound confidence, you begin a blog again (after deleting several In the past for fear of judgment). With that leap you are beaming with energy from the self expression and anonymous and honest connections.

    You start to ask yourself, “What’s next?”. Your therapist says, “Make sure you enjoy it as you go instead of leaping too quickly onward. The snowball can roll slower if you want it to.” So you did just that – you slowed it down a bit, took breaks from stimulation, and made sure you touched grass every chance you could to really process and feel it.

    You begin to reflect on the decisions you made in the past and start to question if they were the right ones. Was committing to moving back home to Ohio next year really the right decision or was I acting out of fear because I was about to terminate that long-term relationship? Was I attempting to seek comfort or acceptance from my family so that we would feel bonded in a way that perhaps I needed in that moment? They’ve always wanted you to move back and leaning in perhaps provided a dopamine hit to a bond that has always been known to be distinguished quickly – that much more addicting to receive.

    Will Ohio even provide me with a good quality of life either to the same degree or more than what you have right now? Will moving back home truly bring your avoidant family closer together or are you hoping for patterns and trends to just change now that you’ve been in therapy for so long and feel you can tackle it the challenge? Why does that fall on you again?

    Most importantly, would you really survive on only 90 days of sunshine instead of the 300 you get now? What if you compromised on visiting three times a year instead of two? Will your family and friends in Ohio understand or will they be disappointed and lash out? How could you make decisions like that in such a vulnerable space? It’s okay, you were doing the best you could. Life is messy.

    If you did stay where you are that would mean that you can feel comfortable feeling at home again – not moving into this new place & lifestyle only to leave it a year later. You can stop selling your furniture and worrying about how much to save by next March. You can be open to long-term partnerships when the feeling is right. You can stick with the same dance classes and community that you’ve spent these past four months investing in. You can watch your best friends kids grow older and give them all of your love. You can stay at the job (or not!) that is reliable and pays you enough to live in a safe neighborhood by myself – something you’d potentially giving up moving home.

    What if the biggest roll of this snowball is staying put. What if you use this time to advocate for yourself at your job to move in a different direction that feels more aligned with your long-term goals. What if you start to take these HR projects even more seriously and connect with the right people on them for the right exposure and receive mentorship. If the transition does occur, you’d want to stay longer as to hold it on your resume right?

    What if you let yourself exist as single person here and then eventually, when you’re ready, open yourself up to having a truly connected relationship with a man. A man that doesn’t come from Ohio values, politics and single-lens perspectives. Imagine you find the right person here that is emotionally grounded. A person that breaks your relationship patterns and your inner child feels safe and protected with. You are happy and fulfilled completely and then intentionally start a family like you want. A family that speaks up and forgives quickly, one that allows for physical touch and sweetness, radical acceptance and candor. And warmth.

    Lastly, you’d have to ask If your future self would be excited and proud of your decisions that you’re making now as you are of your younger self taking the big risk of coming to Colorado in the first place.

    We will never know if the decision is going to be 100% correct one until we try it. Leaning into our intuition is our best bet and staying in-tune to my intuition will be the ultimate key in determining what my next choice will look like. That intuition will change the trajectory and momentum as I keep experiecing new things around me, so I can’t truly expect to know for sure.

    And the reality is, is that the snowball never actually stops. It also didn’t just start after this breakup- it has been ongoing and constantly being reshaped into what I need in that moment and time. Last year, it was moving incredibly slow because it was so small from letting myself be small. I let time ride by high on my couch because the relationship I was in sucked everything out of me. I didn’t feel like I had autonomy and a the right words to communicate it, so I held back in fear.

    Luckily the new lease term that came up sparked enough panic attacks to give me the momentum I needed to really push everything down the hill.

    Choosing where and how it moves next in terms of where home is for me and if where I am 40 hours a week will be possibly the biggest decisions I can make after the breakup. Everything in between has been highly influential and exactly what I needed to get to this point. The community I’ve joined, the passions I’ve explored, the liberation I have with my sexuality, the reflections and immense shift in my mental health via taking the time to add value into my day-to-day – add purpose, have been the stars guiding me to regaining my sparkle once again.

    Regardless of wherever I go, whatever I do and the new things I learn, I can depend on myself now to keep myself moving forward and I can’t wait to see what I choose next.

    Home. – Where will it be?
    Denver, Ohio, or someplace new? When?

    Family. – Values and boundaries.
    Kids? Commitment?
    How much time do I need for myself first?

    Lifestyle – Day-to-day purpose & self-care
    Building attunement and trust that I’ve got me
    Weight training, nutrition, mental health accountability

    Work. – Regulated and mentally sustainable
    Recruiting or HR?

    Passions. – Continuous Self-Expression
    Blog, stories & journaling lifestyle rituals- where do I want to take these?

    Experiences. – Living outside my comfort zone
    Experiencing new dance, traveling solo & learning other cultures