Hello Coco : A diary

Tag: Healing

  • the subjective dating timeline: a brain dump

    I think I’ve been playing it pretty safe with him. telling myself it’s too soon for a lot of things. he asked to get matching pajamas for photos. I thought to myself ‘that’s what serious couples do’. The first week we got back together he bought us a vacation for Mexico in January (fully refundable, but still). He asked me yesterday if I’d ever want to move in with him like he was gathering signal if I thought this relationship was going serious. a few questions came up the next day around how our animals would co-exist and what that would look like. so, he’s definitely thinking about what our life would look like if we brought it together.

    that isn’t a bad thing – at least I don’t think it is. i feel like feelings are developing quickly between us absolutely. we both acknowledged that this relationship is going very well. We enjoy a lot of the same things, have the same love languages, same values & morals, same ideal futures, we can sit in silence, i feel emotionally regulated around him, and we have really great communication around all topics especially sensitive ones like politics, religion, traumas, etc;.

    Being with him now is much different than before when I also had another relationship via a poly-dynamic. Now that we are exclusive, I get to see him wholly. He is safe, grounded, and comfortable and with that he is the most consistent, affectionate, compassionate, and loving man I know.

    the cherry on top is that we are both so wildly attracted to each other and can’t keep our hands off. we try new things, don’t hesitate to learn about each other’s bodies and what feels good…he fished my Diva ring out of my vagina yesterday after sex (got lodged and I freaked out a bit!), so i would say yeah it’s gotten pretty intimate.

    With all of these beautiful things in mind, I can’t help but to give space to the thoughts in the back of my mind – rightfully so, as I’m trying to protect myself- that Ive only known him for approximately 4.5 months.

    is that enough time to start thinking about these types of things or am I being overly cautious from my prior relationship?

    I will say that the on-set of my last relationship was much different. I remember I would do or say anything for her to like me. I tried really hard and in turn 6 years later, I had lost myself completely to the idea of what I felt I needed to be for her.

    Going into this with him, I feel drastically more confident in myself. I know myself tremendously better than when I was 24. I am 31 now. I have experienced so much and have learned what is and isn’t important to me. How i value my time, what i like to do for myself, and how to hold those boundaries. He respects that and I of course encourage him to do the same.

    There are no butterflies and intense anxiety like I had with her. With him I feel comfortable (most of the time – sometimes, he stares at me and I just don’t know what to do with that). Don’t get me wrong, I feel excitement to see him. I feel really great chemistry and connection. I just don’t feel like my nervous system pays the price for it this go-around.

    Maybe that’s why I find myself leaning into all the love he is giving me, the talks of the future, and what our lives could be like. maybe that’s why i can picture him being the father of my kids and perhaps getting married someday. I think my heart sputters thinking about it out of excitement, and fear that maybe I’m feeling too deeply too soon. That i should be acting ‘smarter’ around my feelings as to not get myself hurt.

    At this point I ask that protector/manager side of myself, ‘when is enough, enough?’ To what degree am I comfortable with you stepping back and letting chips fall where they may?

    I believe I’m doing a great job in Therapy being mindful of data points that he gives me regarding his past, his job, and lots of other things that I have never been exposed to before. He’s had a very very difficult life, filled with trauma, violence, abandonment, and heartache. In no way do these things impact our relationship negatively because he has done so much work for himself, but my heart has to ask the questions before I leap – which is what i’ve been doing lately.

    So yeah, my protectors are at play. He is making me feel so secure. how do I approach balance? how soon is too soon – is there even a timeline when it comes to these things?

    or am i just thinking way too much. I should enjoy this. eat up all this love he is giving me because it feels so fulfilling. stop questioning everything – I mean don’t stop asking questions and being curious – but give the relationships a little extra grace and optimism that all is safe. all is okay. He has not given me any indication that I am not safe and I should honor that.

    most importantly, I’ve done a lot of work over the last year learning how to trust myself all over again. I learned an incredible amount about myself, my heart, my boundaries, attachment, needs, passions, my body and sex, etc; I have done such an excellent job navigating all the people and situations in my life this past year to align with all of these factors – ensuring that they are in alignment, or if not, that I manage them.

    I have come forward to my parents on our relationship; assessing my attachment needs and applying them, I have navigated the relationship with my body – PCOs, cervical cancer cells, birth control, and what sex is supposed to feel like, and I have see people come and go as they were supposed to in the chapters of my life.

    The common theme is that I made all of this happen and I trusted myself that i was making the right choices, or the best choices with the information i had. looking back i truly don’t feel like i made any mistakes and i had my best interest in mind.

    with all of that data in mind, how can i not trust myself with this relationship? i will be okay and i won’t have any regrets because i am moving forward with full transparency, my full heart and the trust that I’ve got me.

    I’ve got me. I wouldn’t let myself compromise or hurt myself for the love of another person again because I’m not her anymore. she is a far away person that I hold dearly in my heart and that is it.

    I am a grown woman now with a voice and a strong one at that. i don’t let people tell me how to feel, how to act, how to ‘be’. i am a full person and deserve a full, whole love that emphasizes all that I am and am growing into.

    With him, I don’t feel lost in myself or in him. I am me, I am grounded, and i am whole.

    so, i’m going to let this unfold naturally without tracking ‘how long’ and more so just being mindful of how the pace feels day by day; ensuring alignment as we go.

  • Healing My Inner Child and Still Choosing Heartbreak

    I think the last time I was this attracted to someone it was my first girlfriend back in 2014-2015. [We’ll call her Meredith] She was this magical unicorn of a person that when I saw for the first time, I instantly gravitated toward her. The energy of her attention was all-consuming and every type of analogy that touched on anything to do with the stomach, heart and lack of vocabulary when I saw her was disgustingly true. She made me feel special and motivated me to communicate more, taught me what the truest sting of jealousy felt like and eventually broke up with me because she emotionally cheated with someone else.


    That was only a 6-month relationship, but it took me almost two years to completely get over her. This love was uncontrollable, volatile and so very fucking exciting. It was like a drug, so much that we would spend every night together even if it meant driving home to gather all my things and making the drive to hers after work spontaneously.


    I look back now and realize that a lot of red flags had gone unnoticed or ignored just for the sake of keeping the big feelings alive. She manipulated me and told me we couldn’t be girlfriends until I officially classified myself as a lesbian as being bisexual wasn’t good enough. She would force communication from me even if I wasn’t ready to talk. She held my past against me and sometimes downright bullied me for personal details. She loved to make me jealous with talk of her ex-girlfriend and all the things they’d do together – while that ex fed into it and was most definitely still in love with her. She played us both.


    I haven’t had that electric feelings about anyone until very recently meeting a man on Hinge who was searching for a poly add-on per say. That’s probably not the healthiest way to describe it, but it feels that way a little – not intentionally. He gets his cup filled mostly by his wife, I would be the a-la-carte option of a ‘fun, outgoing emotional connection’. He’s looking for an emotional connection that can go deep and of course the physical.


    When I started getting back into the dating apps I was purely looking for sex and found that putting out that energy attracted dirt bags and all of them ended up hurting my feelings for different reasons. Then he came along and spoke of emotional support, consistency, romance and safe boundaries. All things the men prior would have probably run away from should I have brought it up as part of the arrangement.


    This man texts me daily and gives me positive affirmations when he senses I need a little reassurance or even unprompted. He can read a room very well and picks up on shifts in energy- It helps that he is a therapist. He talks deep and asks me deep questions. On top of all that he is incredibly sexy and our desires and libido align beautifully.


    He’s fucking trouble is what he is.


    I am starting to feel those feelings that I had with Meredith back 9 years ago; electricity that I can’t ignore or subdue. Though this time I’m not concerned about an exorbitant amount of red flags, but the fact that he is poly and moving next year.


    First off, I feel shame around the fact that I just exited a five-and-a-half-year long relationship just this past December, though it was dead in the water for a while, lacking any romantic connections for most of the last year, I feel guilty for even considering any level of relationship with anyone. I feel like a child that can’t be alone, but I also can’t ignore these feelings and stick to my boundary of staying completely single until I move next April. That’s right I am moving too!


    It’s a little contradictory pre-grieving over a relationship that is doomed to end when I knew that getting into it. I came into this with boundaries and voiced them from the start, as did he – but now I feel I’m setting myself up to get my feelings hurt in 11 months because I know these feelings have a strong potential to get deeper.


    I wonder how he would feel if I had another partner on the side – I know obviously supportive, but how would he feel about it? Maybe having another partner on the side will help me distance a bit, split my emotional ties so it doesn’t feel too strong with him especially since he has an entire other person involved. Part of me hopes he’d feel sad about it and not want to share me with anyone – a hybrid of my monogamous conditioning and the feelings that are developing too quickly for comfort. Maybe I’m thinking about that additional partner because of my avoidant attachment style from an emotionless upbringing; not getting too connected as to not be let down.

    It’s hard not to develop these feelings when he is so freely being vulnerable with me about his. He tells me how he won’t go anywhere as long as I want him to stay. He’s telling me that he has the best of intentions and wants to offer me all of these things, “Romance, Fun, Containment [whatever that means], Connection, Curiosity, Exploration, Adventure.” And then, “There’s more. You’ll see.”

    You says the sweetest things that I honestly have never heard before in my relationships (bitter fucking sweet note there).

    “I got lucky finding you. You meet so many needs already. I appreciate that so much.”


    “I’m protective of you.” And the “Please, let me know when you get home”s.

    And what takes the cake:


    “I feel really lucky that you gave me a chance. I have lots of love and lots of fun to give and I genuinely want you to have it. I want you to know that I came into this relationship with so much intention even before we met. So, I’m here and I’m not going anywhere, ok? So as far and long as you want to hold me – sound good? Just stay being honest and authentic and I promise you the same.”

    Uhm okay, so accept me for exactly how I am and you won’t leave me? Motherfuck-How do I not get connected deeply to this?

    Here are some of his sexy messages that put me in an upward dopamine spiral for days:

    “Good because if you didn’t notice, I also like kissing your neck. We can do things like just touch, no penetration and try to get you to come that way is totally something I am up for when you want. I certainly don’y have to cum every time. I’d rather you climax first anyways.
    I can do all those things [of which I listed in my prior text]. I love all of it. What gets me going is eye contact. If you are moaning while looking in my eyes I melt. You’re also going to have to call me papi [yes you’re reading that right] when you are cuming while I’m inside of you, ok?”

    And:

    “I really like the build up. I’m really big on foreplan but before that I really want to make sure to be slow and intentional. I’m talking like ASMR slow. Gives me time to figure out your sweet spots and where you like being kissed and touched. I’m excited for when we see each other naked for the first time. I’m excited to go down on you (my personal fave). I really like the initial slow and gently approach to understand each other better, then getting freakier and progressing into being less gentle as time goes on.”

    So now you see what I have going on. Unfortunately, this is the healthiest of approaches I’ve ever received coming from my family background and perpetuating the patterns I learned from that – including my last relationship. With that being said all of these romantic and comforting affirmations, consistency and follow-through feel like crack. I’m getting a dopamine high off them and it’s making the connection deeper, and faster.

    My therapist says that’s it is okay to let my inner child have this, to learn and grow from it for as long as I can. To experience true and genuine emotional connection. My heart is scared to see where it will be next year. I’m by no means ‘doing this for the plot’ as kids say, more so hoping that it will give me the opportunity to revise some of the beliefs I learned from my past.


    Relating it back to my first girlfriend and pulling this altogether – the depth of the connection that I established in that relationship was based off of being heard and learning crucial foundational elements of strong communication. Even with how toxic that relationship was, I developed my first skills into establishing emotional grounding within myself. I was able to experience feelings and talk about them in complexity, break them down and have them be really heard and validated – even if sometimes she brutally forced it. Being in a woman loving woman relationship as well created even deeper understanding of my ‘mommy problems’. I let her teach me about my body and embrace my femininity.


    I know these two relationships are very different, though they share some very big elements. We’ve got the learning and growth of course, but the knowing that this relationship will break my heart just like she did just in a different way. I’m okay with it. I believe that sacrificing a whole heart for a while when this is done will be worth the experience of having a grounded, real and accepting relationship. Feeling wholly accepted for who I am and how I show up, being truly heard and validated, encouraged to share and experience depth below the surface…I can’t pass that up for anything.

    My heart has been sad for so long taking in cheap connection, both emotionally and physical. I want to breathe in my own skin and have another person be there to witness and support it. I want to experience emotional safety and feel easy to hold. I want all these things more than not wanting the heartbreak that will come from it. I’m willing to take the leap, and I guess we’ll just see how it goes from here.