Hello Coco : A diary

Tag: mental-health

  • My Avoidant Parents: A Series of Texts

    To Mom: Monday, May 13th 7:21 A.M

    “Hey,

    I’ve been thinking just talking in therapy over the last few years, that our relationship doesn’t go a deep emotionally as I’d prefer. You, me and dad.

    I feel like other than check ins, my cry fits/panic attacks when I call or unless I initiate, we don’t connect deeper past proof of life.

    With my Leep Procedure, when I told you about it in the beginning you responded about tampons instead of acknowledging how it could be making me feel and emotionally supporting me in that way, and you never followed up or asked how I was feeling.

    I feel like you two are always there to problem solve and talk logistics, which is so helpful, but you don’t ask deeper questions or offer to talk about feelings except for when I explicitly initiate it like when we had the breakup conversations last year and I initiate out of desperation with where my head was at.

    I hate always having to initiate anything deeper, it makes me feel like you don’t care (even though I know that’s not true).

    I know this is out of the blue for you but it’s been a common thought since moving around when we were younger with all the moves and my mental health went south, and my feelings were met with a yoga membership and medication.

    I feel if I move out there and change my whole life, I want to start having these conversations.

    Do you agree or how do you feel about that?

    I’m dropping this bomb right before I have to run to work but happy to talk on the phone later.”

    From Mom: Tuesday, May 14th 8:12 A.M

    “Not ignoring, just surprised, hurt angry with your text”

    From Dad: Friday, May 16th 9:05 A.M

    “Call me when you can.”

    Me: “I can’t today with work and plans, how’s tomorrow morning?”

    “When you can. Curious why drama is being drummed up? If you are afraid to tell us you changed your mind on moving back don’t be. Your call we love and support you always.”

    Me: “Drama? My feelings are drama.”

    Dad: “No they are not but texting your mom and not waiting to have a conversation face-to-face or on the phone is.”

    Me: “I’m sorry that the way I shared my feelings wasn’t up to par with your preferences. I did offer a phone call same-day to talk about it more and I didn’t hear a word back until the next morning. I’m happy to talk on the phone, was waiting for you two to process and initiate.

    My feelings aren’t stemmed from changing my mind, the text message explicitly said the feelings were long overdue being said. It’ not a response to being nervous to share a decision. “

    Dad: “Don’t call me tomorrow. Your feelings are your feelings. I have nothing more to say.”

    Me: “I’m asking for more love and support from you two on a deeper level and you can’t even have a conversation about it. You critique how I shared them without even acknowledging the whole point of me sharing them in the first place. That hurts.”

  • Post Break-Up Cause and Effect: Where Do I Go Next?

    There’s a lot we experience when getting out of a long-term relationship. We have the lifestyle shift; not saying good morning and goodnight to the same person everyday, the silence of moving into your own place, the withdrawals from your own language and inside jokes that are no longer relevant, and the change of emergency contact information digesting that they won’t be that person for you anymore.

    You start waking up alone and feeling a sadness in your heart because things are strange and different. You haven’t gotten excited about the ‘new adventure’ yet. Eventually after nights out with friends, drinking, smoking, and all other vices, you start to enjoy coming home to yourself and living inside your own head again. You notice the milk is always in the same place in the fridge and you don’t have to load the dishwasher a specific way to avoid a debate on why the forks should be separated based on their size. You come and go as you please without needing an itinerary and being on-time. You feel relief knowing you don’t need to emotionally regulate another person when your cup is empty. You begin to feel freedom and radical acceptance to your own preferences than expecting push back.

    Then you chop off all your hair, get Lasik and throw out all your glasses that always made you self-conscious. You stop wearing sweatpants altogether, and spend some money on something you’ve always wanted or that vacation you’ve been meaning to take.

    You begin to attend dance classes because you’ve always wanted to try it and you watch and smile as it flourishes into an unexpected ritual of self-care. You begin to develop beautifully platonic connections and start to feel the light come back into your body a little more.

    After some time making these leaps you find yourself asking, ‘Why haven’t I done this sooner?’. The answers to that question causes an internal rift. How scary of you to let yourself coast for so long in discomfort and without regard to your truest wants. You must have really been struggling with your internal compass. You heal some and forgive your family as you also forgive whomever made them feel like they couldn’t exist wholly for what they are – human.

    You begin to exercise and that motivates you to eat healthier, and with all the release of happy chemicals your libido kicks up. You start to fit into your old clothes and you’re feeling more confident and fulfilled on a normal day-to-day basis. You start thinking of other avenues of health to explore like perhaps your fertility, or taking blood tests to learn more about where you can improve. You lean further into therapy, start taking the medications you need, and begin to see yourself in a different frame of mind.

    With the increase in confidence you begin to assert yourself more at work in conversations and projects that stimulate you. You start to develop more of a connection to your coworkers and build on the energy to form relationships even outside of work. Your boss is telling you that they’ve noticed your hard work and your coworker is saying, “you’re a completely different person than when we first met.”

    You pick up that writing project and remember how much you love it. With your newfound confidence, you begin a blog again (after deleting several In the past for fear of judgment). With that leap you are beaming with energy from the self expression and anonymous and honest connections.

    You start to ask yourself, “What’s next?”. Your therapist says, “Make sure you enjoy it as you go instead of leaping too quickly onward. The snowball can roll slower if you want it to.” So you did just that – you slowed it down a bit, took breaks from stimulation, and made sure you touched grass every chance you could to really process and feel it.

    You begin to reflect on the decisions you made in the past and start to question if they were the right ones. Was committing to moving back home to Ohio next year really the right decision or was I acting out of fear because I was about to terminate that long-term relationship? Was I attempting to seek comfort or acceptance from my family so that we would feel bonded in a way that perhaps I needed in that moment? They’ve always wanted you to move back and leaning in perhaps provided a dopamine hit to a bond that has always been known to be distinguished quickly – that much more addicting to receive.

    Will Ohio even provide me with a good quality of life either to the same degree or more than what you have right now? Will moving back home truly bring your avoidant family closer together or are you hoping for patterns and trends to just change now that you’ve been in therapy for so long and feel you can tackle it the challenge? Why does that fall on you again?

    Most importantly, would you really survive on only 90 days of sunshine instead of the 300 you get now? What if you compromised on visiting three times a year instead of two? Will your family and friends in Ohio understand or will they be disappointed and lash out? How could you make decisions like that in such a vulnerable space? It’s okay, you were doing the best you could. Life is messy.

    If you did stay where you are that would mean that you can feel comfortable feeling at home again – not moving into this new place & lifestyle only to leave it a year later. You can stop selling your furniture and worrying about how much to save by next March. You can be open to long-term partnerships when the feeling is right. You can stick with the same dance classes and community that you’ve spent these past four months investing in. You can watch your best friends kids grow older and give them all of your love. You can stay at the job (or not!) that is reliable and pays you enough to live in a safe neighborhood by myself – something you’d potentially giving up moving home.

    What if the biggest roll of this snowball is staying put. What if you use this time to advocate for yourself at your job to move in a different direction that feels more aligned with your long-term goals. What if you start to take these HR projects even more seriously and connect with the right people on them for the right exposure and receive mentorship. If the transition does occur, you’d want to stay longer as to hold it on your resume right?

    What if you let yourself exist as single person here and then eventually, when you’re ready, open yourself up to having a truly connected relationship with a man. A man that doesn’t come from Ohio values, politics and single-lens perspectives. Imagine you find the right person here that is emotionally grounded. A person that breaks your relationship patterns and your inner child feels safe and protected with. You are happy and fulfilled completely and then intentionally start a family like you want. A family that speaks up and forgives quickly, one that allows for physical touch and sweetness, radical acceptance and candor. And warmth.

    Lastly, you’d have to ask If your future self would be excited and proud of your decisions that you’re making now as you are of your younger self taking the big risk of coming to Colorado in the first place.

    We will never know if the decision is going to be 100% correct one until we try it. Leaning into our intuition is our best bet and staying in-tune to my intuition will be the ultimate key in determining what my next choice will look like. That intuition will change the trajectory and momentum as I keep experiecing new things around me, so I can’t truly expect to know for sure.

    And the reality is, is that the snowball never actually stops. It also didn’t just start after this breakup- it has been ongoing and constantly being reshaped into what I need in that moment and time. Last year, it was moving incredibly slow because it was so small from letting myself be small. I let time ride by high on my couch because the relationship I was in sucked everything out of me. I didn’t feel like I had autonomy and a the right words to communicate it, so I held back in fear.

    Luckily the new lease term that came up sparked enough panic attacks to give me the momentum I needed to really push everything down the hill.

    Choosing where and how it moves next in terms of where home is for me and if where I am 40 hours a week will be possibly the biggest decisions I can make after the breakup. Everything in between has been highly influential and exactly what I needed to get to this point. The community I’ve joined, the passions I’ve explored, the liberation I have with my sexuality, the reflections and immense shift in my mental health via taking the time to add value into my day-to-day – add purpose, have been the stars guiding me to regaining my sparkle once again.

    Regardless of wherever I go, whatever I do and the new things I learn, I can depend on myself now to keep myself moving forward and I can’t wait to see what I choose next.

    Home. – Where will it be?
    Denver, Ohio, or someplace new? When?

    Family. – Values and boundaries.
    Kids? Commitment?
    How much time do I need for myself first?

    Lifestyle – Day-to-day purpose & self-care
    Building attunement and trust that I’ve got me
    Weight training, nutrition, mental health accountability

    Work. – Regulated and mentally sustainable
    Recruiting or HR?

    Passions. – Continuous Self-Expression
    Blog, stories & journaling lifestyle rituals- where do I want to take these?

    Experiences. – Living outside my comfort zone
    Experiencing new dance, traveling solo & learning other cultures

  • Rewiring Past Decisions: My 40-hour+ Work Week

    I’ve noticed as of late that my job holds little in my brain for debate considering it gives me stability in the world we live in today. I have a mountain of debt as well that keeps me tied to it in a way that feels a little repressive. With that, very slight sour feelings arise when I think of my job and the pressures they entail. I’ve noticed when I ask myself about it, I want to clam up a bit because I don’t feel like I have an option to debate right now.

    I’m making big decisions in my life right now regarding the possibility of moving out of state, my sexuality, and lots of other personal life choices, but this is something I find myself avoiding more often than not. I’ve let myself do it too and in this moment I feel the courage to see it head on even if just for this post at first.

    Being in Recruiting, my value is held by metrics of how quickly I can close jobs and how happy I can make my hiring managers in the process. Being that recruiting is a people business – candidates are half the equation – it can be unreliable, yet we still feel the brunt of the deadline regardless of that variability.

    I’ve been doing my line of work since I moved here in 2017, though in various settings and angles. It was the first job that offered enough money to eat more than Rice-a-Roni and PBJ sandwhiches. I clung to it and put every effort I could into making those numbers and deadlines my mission for survival. I eventually worked my way up and now am senior in my profession making over six figures. Since I was bad with money in my twenties though and moved to another state on a whim with no money in my savings, I accrued a fuck ton of debt that has my salary wrapped up, so I still come from a state of scarcity and lack.

    I feel shame around my debt and my financial decisions that I had made, but with everything going on in my life I’ve been able to compartmentalize and have fun in the present with everything else I’m up to. Reaching into my truest desires elsewhere has allowed me to take a breathe from over thinking my finances and live in moments that don’t cost a thing. It’s been helping me have a more healthy look at my relationship with money and even so my debt.

    This entry isn’t about my debt though. It’s about the job I choose to have for 40 hours+ a week. With me initially getting into this field out of fear, lack, and need for stability (rightfully so), I look back and ask myself that if none of those feelings were present what profession would I have chosen for myself. If I had came to Colorado with a safety net and could take my time, what would I have explored? Would I have used my Professional Writing degree?

    There’s always been a part of me that has considered writing as a job whether it be professional writing like technical, editing, proposals, etc; or fiction writing like the stories that I’m verrrry slowwwly working through right now.

    Impostor syndrome creeps up when I think about how I haven’t had the motivation to work on my fantasy story in over a month, how I am taking a very long break from my psychological thriller novel, and how I over-critique myself which sucks the joy out of projects/this blog sometimes. This blog is something I just started up a little over a month ago and I’m addicted to it. It’s a season of writing that I’ve really leaned into unexpectedly.

    This type of writing though really requires me to dig into my internal monologue, personal psychological analysis, internal conflict, and traumas. It can be too much sometimes, or I harp on the same things over and over again as I’m processing through it. I can run through loops, get lost, distract myself and end up looking back trying to reverse outline because of my ADHD. Even with all of that though, it’s been keeping me very present in my life and letting repressed feelings bubble up to the surface so that I can see them for what they are.

    All of this said, my writing fluctuates. It’s inconsistent, doesn’t have a clear theme or direction for a career path, and I’ve always told myself I’m not a good editor and technical writing would be too stiff for me to do daily. Additionally, what if I do it as a career and the pressure and critique of it ruin my love for it?

    So, then I sit with myself on other ideas.

    When I was young I wanted to be like Nancy Drew – a Detective! My dad told me to choose something more realistic so I landed on a Veterinarian for a while, but I quickly found out that I couldn’t handle that emotionally and another factor is they aren’t paid well. Also vet school is so expensive. I took a web development boot camp a few years back to see if my brain could handle something like that, but absolutely not. I was always creative and liberal arts focused in high school and college – math & arithmetic were never even an average skill set of mine.

    I’ve taken career quizzes, personality tests, legitimately Googled jobs and just peeked around for ideas. It’s ironic that I’m a recruiter and doing so much as if I haven’t seen every job (in corporate land) out there already.

    I’ve considered being a career coach/government career assistant because I love helping people find their potential and getting them on the right path – teaching them about interviewing and resume development. I’ve considered getting into the operations side of Human Resources like being a business partner, and I even completed my PHR last year before switching companies. I just don’t know if I will be able to transition into that department being that I’m at a start-up and everything is quite small. The job market is trash right now, so the chances of a company taking an opportunity on someone without direct experience is unlikely considering they are probably getting people who do have the skill sets already.

    Out of everything I explored, leaning into HR will be the best match for me. Keeping writing as a hobby I think will be the healthiest option, and if I want to publish something down the road – if the stars align – then fabulous.

    Considering my initial point, my job holds my heart in a binder of sorts. It’s more difficult for me to be risky with my job than it is with anything else in my life. It makes me feel too dependent, and weak thinking that if I lost my job I will be in ruin due to my financial situation. This means that taking leaps feels like an immense effort. Advocating for my growth at my current company, asking for more and leaning in feels scary. On top of that, because HR isn’t a ‘passion’ of mine – it’s a paycheck that offers more stability than recruiting – it’s not necessarily something I’m like “Oh, I want to do this!” it’s a means to an end where I’m thinking, “I should do this because it will make my life simpler, but I need to start making the decisions.”

    Perhaps changing my mindset around going after an HR job will help motivate me into making the risk feel even more worth it. If I put a deeper ‘why’ behind it, it could leverage me to take the risks. I think one thing too that I forget often is what I ‘deserve’.

    One day, a few years back, I was visiting my therapist and she prescribed me a higher dose of antidepressants. My internal monologue found its way out as I was debating when I would start the new dose based on logistics of my schedule and picking up the prescription. None of the logistical factors were all that daunting- it was more coming from a place of laziness when she asked me why I couldn’t just pick them up that day. She followed my rant by saying, “Don’t you think you deserve it?”

    It stuck with me because I do find that I talk myself out of what I deserve based solely on the weakness in my mind tied to lack of motivation and laziness. That was the depression and anxiety talking to a certain extent. Though I’m medicated completely now and happy, I still run into that internal conflict from time to time – including right now.

    You want to change fields so that you can be more stimulated and seen as more of a business partner than transactional- Don’t you deserve that?

    You want to keep working on your writing projects because it fuels your heart and creative spirit – don’t you deserve that?

    What all do I deserve? And when it comes to a job, what do people deserve from me but my best self? I can only give my best self when I feel like I’m stimulated, challenged, and living up to my own potential. Do I feel like I have all those things now in recruiting at my current job? I’m definitely challenged, but stimulated is another thing. Recruiting is something I’ve always done therefor I know all the ins and outs of it – every job I may work on might be vastly different from the last, but the way you go about it is truly the same. If you experience obstacles there are similar ways out of them as you’ve done prior. But I could say that same thing with every job out there.

    I think I just want to feel valued in my role as a partner rather than someone that needs to hit specified numbers, metrics and cater to the needs of a stakeholder as if they are my client. I have ideas and a voice that I want to use. Recruiting can almost feel so transactional and I want more depth and challenge in my day-to-day. I want projects on enablement and process improvements. I want to uncover gaps and think logically about things that could have a high impact. I believe I can meet in the middle and do that within a HR based position – I just need the opportunity to get there. I deserve that opportunity.

    So, if Mel Robbins says that each decision I make can change my entire life then what decisions should I make at this point regarding my job? What risks can I make to get me out of ‘stuck’ and stimulate my day-to-day life?

    Instead of living in the state of scarcity – how can I go after what I deserve?

  • Healing My Inner Child and Still Choosing Heartbreak

    I think the last time I was this attracted to someone it was my first girlfriend back in 2014-2015. [We’ll call her Meredith] She was this magical unicorn of a person that when I saw for the first time, I instantly gravitated toward her. The energy of her attention was all-consuming and every type of analogy that touched on anything to do with the stomach, heart and lack of vocabulary when I saw her was disgustingly true. She made me feel special and motivated me to communicate more, taught me what the truest sting of jealousy felt like and eventually broke up with me because she emotionally cheated with someone else.


    That was only a 6-month relationship, but it took me almost two years to completely get over her. This love was uncontrollable, volatile and so very fucking exciting. It was like a drug, so much that we would spend every night together even if it meant driving home to gather all my things and making the drive to hers after work spontaneously.


    I look back now and realize that a lot of red flags had gone unnoticed or ignored just for the sake of keeping the big feelings alive. She manipulated me and told me we couldn’t be girlfriends until I officially classified myself as a lesbian as being bisexual wasn’t good enough. She would force communication from me even if I wasn’t ready to talk. She held my past against me and sometimes downright bullied me for personal details. She loved to make me jealous with talk of her ex-girlfriend and all the things they’d do together – while that ex fed into it and was most definitely still in love with her. She played us both.


    I haven’t had that electric feelings about anyone until very recently meeting a man on Hinge who was searching for a poly add-on per say. That’s probably not the healthiest way to describe it, but it feels that way a little – not intentionally. He gets his cup filled mostly by his wife, I would be the a-la-carte option of a ‘fun, outgoing emotional connection’. He’s looking for an emotional connection that can go deep and of course the physical.


    When I started getting back into the dating apps I was purely looking for sex and found that putting out that energy attracted dirt bags and all of them ended up hurting my feelings for different reasons. Then he came along and spoke of emotional support, consistency, romance and safe boundaries. All things the men prior would have probably run away from should I have brought it up as part of the arrangement.


    This man texts me daily and gives me positive affirmations when he senses I need a little reassurance or even unprompted. He can read a room very well and picks up on shifts in energy- It helps that he is a therapist. He talks deep and asks me deep questions. On top of all that he is incredibly sexy and our desires and libido align beautifully.


    He’s fucking trouble is what he is.


    I am starting to feel those feelings that I had with Meredith back 9 years ago; electricity that I can’t ignore or subdue. Though this time I’m not concerned about an exorbitant amount of red flags, but the fact that he is poly and moving next year.


    First off, I feel shame around the fact that I just exited a five-and-a-half-year long relationship just this past December, though it was dead in the water for a while, lacking any romantic connections for most of the last year, I feel guilty for even considering any level of relationship with anyone. I feel like a child that can’t be alone, but I also can’t ignore these feelings and stick to my boundary of staying completely single until I move next April. That’s right I am moving too!


    It’s a little contradictory pre-grieving over a relationship that is doomed to end when I knew that getting into it. I came into this with boundaries and voiced them from the start, as did he – but now I feel I’m setting myself up to get my feelings hurt in 11 months because I know these feelings have a strong potential to get deeper.


    I wonder how he would feel if I had another partner on the side – I know obviously supportive, but how would he feel about it? Maybe having another partner on the side will help me distance a bit, split my emotional ties so it doesn’t feel too strong with him especially since he has an entire other person involved. Part of me hopes he’d feel sad about it and not want to share me with anyone – a hybrid of my monogamous conditioning and the feelings that are developing too quickly for comfort. Maybe I’m thinking about that additional partner because of my avoidant attachment style from an emotionless upbringing; not getting too connected as to not be let down.

    It’s hard not to develop these feelings when he is so freely being vulnerable with me about his. He tells me how he won’t go anywhere as long as I want him to stay. He’s telling me that he has the best of intentions and wants to offer me all of these things, “Romance, Fun, Containment [whatever that means], Connection, Curiosity, Exploration, Adventure.” And then, “There’s more. You’ll see.”

    You says the sweetest things that I honestly have never heard before in my relationships (bitter fucking sweet note there).

    “I got lucky finding you. You meet so many needs already. I appreciate that so much.”


    “I’m protective of you.” And the “Please, let me know when you get home”s.

    And what takes the cake:


    “I feel really lucky that you gave me a chance. I have lots of love and lots of fun to give and I genuinely want you to have it. I want you to know that I came into this relationship with so much intention even before we met. So, I’m here and I’m not going anywhere, ok? So as far and long as you want to hold me – sound good? Just stay being honest and authentic and I promise you the same.”

    Uhm okay, so accept me for exactly how I am and you won’t leave me? Motherfuck-How do I not get connected deeply to this?

    Here are some of his sexy messages that put me in an upward dopamine spiral for days:

    “Good because if you didn’t notice, I also like kissing your neck. We can do things like just touch, no penetration and try to get you to come that way is totally something I am up for when you want. I certainly don’y have to cum every time. I’d rather you climax first anyways.
    I can do all those things [of which I listed in my prior text]. I love all of it. What gets me going is eye contact. If you are moaning while looking in my eyes I melt. You’re also going to have to call me papi [yes you’re reading that right] when you are cuming while I’m inside of you, ok?”

    And:

    “I really like the build up. I’m really big on foreplan but before that I really want to make sure to be slow and intentional. I’m talking like ASMR slow. Gives me time to figure out your sweet spots and where you like being kissed and touched. I’m excited for when we see each other naked for the first time. I’m excited to go down on you (my personal fave). I really like the initial slow and gently approach to understand each other better, then getting freakier and progressing into being less gentle as time goes on.”

    So now you see what I have going on. Unfortunately, this is the healthiest of approaches I’ve ever received coming from my family background and perpetuating the patterns I learned from that – including my last relationship. With that being said all of these romantic and comforting affirmations, consistency and follow-through feel like crack. I’m getting a dopamine high off them and it’s making the connection deeper, and faster.

    My therapist says that’s it is okay to let my inner child have this, to learn and grow from it for as long as I can. To experience true and genuine emotional connection. My heart is scared to see where it will be next year. I’m by no means ‘doing this for the plot’ as kids say, more so hoping that it will give me the opportunity to revise some of the beliefs I learned from my past.


    Relating it back to my first girlfriend and pulling this altogether – the depth of the connection that I established in that relationship was based off of being heard and learning crucial foundational elements of strong communication. Even with how toxic that relationship was, I developed my first skills into establishing emotional grounding within myself. I was able to experience feelings and talk about them in complexity, break them down and have them be really heard and validated – even if sometimes she brutally forced it. Being in a woman loving woman relationship as well created even deeper understanding of my ‘mommy problems’. I let her teach me about my body and embrace my femininity.


    I know these two relationships are very different, though they share some very big elements. We’ve got the learning and growth of course, but the knowing that this relationship will break my heart just like she did just in a different way. I’m okay with it. I believe that sacrificing a whole heart for a while when this is done will be worth the experience of having a grounded, real and accepting relationship. Feeling wholly accepted for who I am and how I show up, being truly heard and validated, encouraged to share and experience depth below the surface…I can’t pass that up for anything.

    My heart has been sad for so long taking in cheap connection, both emotionally and physical. I want to breathe in my own skin and have another person be there to witness and support it. I want to experience emotional safety and feel easy to hold. I want all these things more than not wanting the heartbreak that will come from it. I’m willing to take the leap, and I guess we’ll just see how it goes from here.

  • Partnering with my ‘Parts’ [IFS] to Experience True Attachment

    I’ve lived a life being comfortable with emotional malnutrition.

    When my mother texts me asking for a check in on how my life is going, sometimes I do give it to her – feelings and all, only to be met with ‘Good! Xoxo’. No acknowledgement, validation or deeper questioning. That pretty much sums up my experience growing up with both of my parents under the same roof and feeling big feelings live in the moment.

    This type of development has made me really dependent on myself, low maintenance, easily influenced, and surface level in deeper relationships with others. My prior relationship of almost six years ended specifically because I allowed myself to date my parents and coasted on without fully realizing it until repressed anger, resentment, and anxiety bubbled up which blew it all up – for the very best.

    I’ve been experiencing micro-relationships with men since then that have enabled that ‘low maintenance’ vibe of being purely physical and it has been liberating in a lot of ways, but triggering as well. It’s re-opened discomfort in lack of communication and emotional connection for the ability to experiment with these partners.

    Though I wouldn’t change anything about any of it, it’s brought a lot of repressed feelings up to the surface that I am now dealing with head-on. Feelings of not being heard, validated, or valued. The exiles in my parts (Internal Family Systems reference) tells me it’s my fault because I allowed it, that I let my younger self down again by allowing myself to accept more behavior like that especially after exiting a relationship that was perpetuating those patterns as well.

    I took a step back and removed those men from my life, only to be found by someone who is the complete opposite of everyone else – emotionally intelligent and self-aware, courteous, patience, considerate, affirming, asks deeper questions, asks for my likes and dislikes, checks in, is consistent, apologizes and says thank you, etc;

    My ‘Manager’ tells me to make sure I have control over how much I allow to be shared, how vulnerable I can be and maintain distance for the fear that he may let me down once again. She tells me things like “you don’t know this man yet,” “He could change his mind – be prepared for that.” “He might change his mind if you tell him something that makes him uncomfortable.”

    My manager is on high alert even more so because those men I experimented with did all of those things back-to-back and it’s still fresh after a vulnerable break-up. I shared some vulnerable feelings with them, minor ones mind you, and the second a small lick of complexity came about they bailed.

    One guy asked for something sexually that I wasn’t sure how to do – asked him for flexibility and he said I was too complicated. I asked one man to be more considerate of my schedule and to communicate, then he bailed. Another one I told that I felt our sex was one-sided and that I would prefer if he would listen to me when I communicated that I wanted something and actually follow through – he got defensive and bailed.

    So, of course I get to this man and my Manager is adulting me in ways to try and keep me safe. My Firefighters are distracting me in my day-to-day life so I won’t think about him and make me feel even more dependent on him. My Exiles are reminding me that I could get hurt from him even if so far all he is showing is green flags.

    Both my anxious and avoidant attachment styles are coming up to the surface, and on higher defense to ensure that this next dive is as safe as it can possibly be considering where my heart has been recently.

    When I ground into my ‘Core’ self, I feel appreciated and affirmed by him. He tells me that he wants to see me. When he senses a mood shift, he asks about it and validates my feelings. He lets me ask questions and he answers transparently and openly without hesitation. When we have sex he asks what I like and follows through. He checks in unprompted and gives details, stories, and personal information that will let me learn more about him before following up with asking me questions on the same topics.

    As I write all of these things down my Exile can’t help but to say, “those things should always be expected. These are bare minimum traits.” and in turn makes me feel a little shame for allowing myself to not have them sooner – for settling for people who couldn’t give me the basic emotional nutrition that he is providing to me.

    My Core self tells my Exile that it’s okay that I’m just now experiencing it. That experiencing it now and learning from it is better than never at all. That it is not my fault that I’ve slipped into patterns as long as I recognize them now and do what I can to deviate. That my inner child can trust that I’m doing the work to make her feel secure and protected. I’m doing my very best.

    My Manager is there for me when I need her and so is my Firefighter. So long as there is balance between my parts and acknowledging their purpose, I can move forward and learn to experience what this feels like. I can learn that living in lack does not need to be forever and given the opportunity to care for someone who is giving me stable attachment is such a big deal!

    It is okay if I have not experienced it before. It is okay to let myself experience it now and give in to the beautiful feelings that come up from it. It is okay to nourish myself in vulnerability and emotional connection. It is okay if I stumble through it and it’s a little messy. It is okay to give him trust. It is okay to go beyond the surface and let myself feel, emote, share and receive all of these things back.

    It is okay if this doesn’t work out too.

    My Manager might feel scared to lose control for the fear that this nourishment will be short-lived. My Exile might want me to hold on for dear life that I never lose it again, fear that I will mess it up and then I will once again be without it. My Firefighter might want me to distract myself from him so that I can find distance and distraction from my exiles or pull away altogether so that I won’t let him let me down.

    I think for this to really work out and let myself experience this type of emotional connection then I need to balance out my parts and allow myself to think about ways to monitor the mindset of ‘lack’.

    If it doesn’t work out with him there will be others that can give me these needs.

    If it doesn’t work out with him at least I was able to experience something truly positive and affirming for my healing journey.

    If it doesn’t work out with him then I have my Parts to help me navigate through it. I have a support system, therapy and my writing to walk myself through any possible triggers and things I’ve learned or perhaps things that I realized I want to work on or unlearn.

    If it doesn’t work out that is okay. I can catch myself.

    If everything ends up being okay, then I will have experienced very beautiful things. I will have experienced what genuine connection, and vulnerability can feel like in a secure attachment. I will have learned about myself from a different frame of light and heal elements of my inner child. I will know what it is I truly want and need and build a foundation from that to grow upon.

    It’s worth the dive, and I tell my Parts to let me try.

  • Emotional Deprivation: Finding Balance in Connection

    The relationship started off very strong and it lasted a total of five and a half years. It was the most healing of relationships coming from growing up with a lot of emotionally avoidant and one-sided relationships, including those of family and friends. It healed parts of my heart and broke others in a way I didn’t know could be.

    It was safe from expectations and common gender norms of getting married, having babies and any pressures that went along with how we’re conditioned to be in heterosexual relationships. Being with a woman meant I didn’t need to worry about birth control or explaining my body and hormones. This woman in particular didn’t want to have kids or get married; she only talked about buying a condo downtown someday. I knew this about her from day one, and it felt freeing to live that way – not looking for the traditional commitments especially at 24 years old.

    When we initially discussed dating she had a list of non-negotiables, with those points listed. The list kept growing as our relationship continued on and instead of it having that free feeling, I felt trapped into a life that someone only factored themselves into.

    After a long time of ‘going with the flow’ and leaning into most of all her preferences, I started to become angry. When I’d speak up about how I felt, it was a debate. Getting her to go to couples therapy was disheartening, and she tried to use her schedule to de-prioritize that and many other things that mattered to me and I wanted her to be there for.

    The romance dwindled and she joked once that it was because she had me now. The last year of our relationship I started to have even more conversations about how I felt and her solution was to throw money toward ‘date nights’ where we would go out for a fun activity and either not talk, or talk about her work or her family drama. Watching her eyes glaze over after asking me about my day made me both enraged and frozen in disappointment.

    Growing up in an emotionally avoidant household where my family did not talk about feelings and invalidated mental health, I had become very used to swallowing my words. There wasn’t one conversation where my parents apologized for anything, and speaking up for myself was followed with a ‘watch your mouth.’ My dad’s military background enforcing a ‘suck it up’ mentality that only perpetuated the repression of the traumas I began to experience moving around frequently, experiencing loss, and the harm I inflicted upon myself cutting, burning and having unsafe partners. I didn’t feel like a whole person, like I lacked personality, and I wasn’t allowed to ask for what I wanted or needed.

    I realized after quite some time that I was letting her do the same thing to me. She didn’t hear me and instead manipulated situations to her preference. If I didn’t want to do something or changed my mind because my heart wasn’t in it, I would become an inconvenience to her. The times I had brought up my feelings around our intimacy, she would gaslight me into saying that nothing was wrong. Out of the times we’ve been together we had a strong intimate interaction a mere handful of times. The rest of the time she was on a different plane of existence, leaving me alone to figure out how to feel good. I would ask for things in the moment and out of it, and they never would come. I would try to dive deep to understand but was met with surface level responses.

    I was dating my parents and didn’t realize it until it was too late.


    It wasn’t until we had broken up that I moved out that I realized I have been living in a state of deprivation. Deprivation of core needs that the coping mechanisms/firefighters from my nervous system covered up for comfort and familiarity.

    Here I am 4 months later reflecting on everything I have done exclusively for myself since. I stopped wearing sweatpants, smoking pot, watching TV as much, and staying home on the weekends. I began to go out and make connections with new people. I began dancing 2-3 times per week, something I had always wanted to do but didn’t have the motivation or self-esteem to take the leap. I got Lasik and started taking care of my body again. I got back on antidepressants and saw all my doctors to make sure everything was okay – something if I hadn’t done could have led to cervical cancer down the road.

    Then I took a major leap and decided to get to know men again. I had boundaries in place that would make my ‘adventures’ with these men purely physical. An experiment. It worked out pretty well for a while. I had small situationships with five different men (safely and honestly) and was liberated by the attention, affection, and most of all my voice in all of it. I had started to feel liberated in my feminity, and most of all found the joy in sex again which was a very deep emotional realization for me being in the gay community for so long. It sparked pride in me that I’ve truly come a long way since I was in my very early twenties; holding true to my boundaries, asking for what I wanted, and eventually calling these men out.

    I felt like a strong pillar in those moments, standing up for my younger self ten years later. All of those men ended up letting me down in all sorts of different ways than I imagined they would. It seemed the expectations I provided perhaps made them think they didn’t owe me any respect, which eventually triggered a few things for me that I worked through with ease and the help of therapy and my support system.

    Why I am writing this in the first place is because considering everything I’ve been through and where I’m at exploring, I stumbled into something that has triggered something in me that I’m trying to make more tangible, something I can grab, analyze and hopefully learn from.

    Of all the men I’ve experienced these last four months, I haven’t felt a real threat. I always felt in control, minus those triggers. Now I’ve stepped into something entirely different where it does feel threatening – feelings.

    This man is emotionally intelligent, an excellent listener, romantic, considerate, consistent, and perceptive. We’ve been talking for a few weeks and only met up once so far, and I feel feelings. Feelings I agreed I wouldn’t feel. Feelings that are bringing up more triggers and my anxious/avoidant attachment styles to the surface. Mix that with polyamory and a sprinkle of jealousy and wow am I in trouble.

    Living in a state of deprivation and lack for a long time. It can be something you just get used to and you adjust your standards to it. The men these last 5 months were just that. They were hot and we had fun, but everything else was a complete fucking mess. A mess I was fully expecting. This new man is unfortunately so great, that I remembered how malnourished I’ve been.

    It snapped something inside of me – perhaps the anchor that was keeping me grounded in avoidant comfort. This ‘roster’ mentality in the tone of feminine liberation.

    He’s telling me that he likes me, my feelings are valid, asking deeper questions, asking me what I want and giving it to me, giving me consistency and answering every question I have with transparency.

    What’s happening is I’m reacting to in a way that comes from lack. My anxious attachment wants the reassurance. Then when he texts and says something I can’t interpret as busy or lack of interest, my avoidant side comes out and wants to stop texting him altogether. Prove to myself that I don’t care or that he doesn’t affect me.

    It’s as if both are pushing and pulling me simultaneously and I’m stuck in the middle trying to figure out what to do about it.

    I want him. I want continuous attention and affection. That isn’t something I can ask for from him completely considering our situation. When I don’t get it, I want to pull away to protect myself. I don’t believe the problem is the nature of our situation so much is the healing in my heart from regulating my nervous system around giving and receiving emotional connection. If I was more regulated within myself, then I wouldn’t need someone else to fill anything up that I can’t myself.

    So, how do I create this habitat for my heart to live in independently and lovingly?

    I always thought I was pretty independent when in truth my ‘independent spirit’ is a protective barrier around genuine connection. Because I haven’t had a lot of genuine connection, it feels raw to experience it and know how to hold it with balance. Balance of holding myself up and letting another assist when I need it. When it comes down to one or another, I generally over lean into holding myself up even if done in unhealthy ways.

    How do I find the balance between the affection and attention I ask from him and the affection and attention I supply for myself?

    Do I struggle with giving myself that to the degree that I need?

    If so, what’s holding me back from that?

    Is it that I’m not present and intentional enough to be in my body and experience life?

    Is it that with every text, Instagram reel, snapchat photo that my dopamine reservoir is only filled up with him not leaving enough room for my own?

    Maybe that’s been the case these last four months with all these men – allowing them to fill my tank with compliments, sex and short-lived cuddling.

    What can I do for myself to provide more sustainable dopamine and affection that comes only from me (while also managing my ADHD)?

    Is it eating healthy, exercising, reading, writing, walking, laying in the sun, traveling, dancing, etc;? Is it self-talk, affirmations, mantras, meditation? Is it creating reliable, real, platonic friendships? I suppose those would be the ‘whole foods’ of dopamine, versus the ‘fast food’ type that can be received in other ways like leaning into sex too much, alcohol, drugs, impulsive spending, going out all the time, etc;

    Boys have been my main vice recently – sex and the affirmations I receive from them. Before I was dating this last woman, boys didn’t really look my way. I was quiet, guarded, insecure, and didn’t know how to express myself with my appearance. I never spoke up for myself and asked for what I wanted. This left me with guys who preyed on that and saw it as an opportunity to get what they wanted no questions asked. I was so lost and deprived from genuine connection that I did all I could to lean into it and find it with these men. More than once I walked away with tears in my eyes, but I kept doing it – searching and hoping.

    So, meeting this person who feels secure – it fucks with me. I want it, but don’t know how to hold it. If I do hold it, how do I determine when to let it go or give myself space without it. I feel I know the answer is to hold myself equally if not more, but it feels so hard.

  • The Dynamics of Jealousy in Non-Monogamous Relationships

    Me being on a sexually explorative journey these last now four months, I’ve now found myself exploring polyamory with a man (let’s call him Seth) I met just two or so weeks ago.

    He’s married and has a kid. His wife has a long-term boyfriend that seth has never met before. His wife would never meet me as per the arrangement, nor hear about anything sexual that happens between him and I and vice versa.

    The context is that they got married for the baby that they had shortly after just starting to date. Later they found out that they weren’t completely compatible which opened up their marriage into ‘Ethical Non-Monogamy’ or ENM for short. A term I had never heard before I swiped right on his Hinge profile.

    The first time we met, Seth and I, we discussed all sorts of deep topics one of which being his jealousy. He told me that he still struggled with it, regarding his wife going out and dating this other guy even though he’s still completely supportive of it.

    It started to really make me feel about my own patterns of jealousy, but now a few weeks later I’m starting to experience some.

    I felt it when he told me that him and his wife were going to watch some TV together one night. Another time when he told me he massages her to sleep most night.

    It’s not that I’m jealous that he has her, but I think more that, that was something I used to have a long time ago and feel deprived of now. Seth has been checking every single box of mine since I met him, so the emotional connection has been connecting. Between that and the jealousy it was hard to pinpoint what exactly was going on beneath the surface since my initial intentions were to be more casual.

    I’m starting to believe that Seth is so great that I’m creating an anxious attachment from the realization that I have been lacking this type of intimacy for a long while now. It’s like overcompensating for the relationship I just got out of 5 months ago – I have a taste of something genuine, safe and intimate and now I’m addicted to it, or so that’s how I think I feel.

    With the other guys I’ve been with these last 4 months, I didn’t have this issue at all. Maybe a little bit with one guy because he made feel some type of way with our PDA and physical touch that it sparked up something in me that wanted that connection more – it let to a small emotional tether that was then snapped off because he wasn’t in a good space.

    I have had these boundaries though. I was only searching for casual, fun and enlightening as it relates to learning more about my body and preferences. Then I meet Seth who is emotionally intelligent, smart, caring, considerate, and of course sexy. He texts me every day and considers my feelings each time regardless of what we’re talking about. He asks me questions and is attentive. He’s strong and feels safe. He’s present and hears me when I talk.

    These are all things that weren’t present in the last year of my prior relationship. I grew avoidant, smoked lots of pot, acted impulsively, didn’t take care of my body or mind, and slept a lot. I wore sweatpants everywhere.

    Getting out of that relationship was one battle won but now interpreting how my heart and mind repair and act when given those needs once deprived feels accessible… it’s eye-opening and scary like I’m a little bit out of control.

    Why? Because I feel I am developing an anxious attachment out of prolonged feelings of lack. Maybe the ‘lack’ is what I need to work on to walk through this. Maybe it’s finding his qualities in friendships so that I can diversify it, not holding it so heavy with one person – as it should be.

    I don’t really know what I’m doing or how all of this will pan out – the relationship and my mental health – but I’m excited to try and be vulnerable doing it.

  • Why Saying Goodbye Matters: A Personal Journey

    I think we all get the make-up of a goodbye.

    It starts off with an awkward silent acknowledgement of what’s supposed to happen next. Usually that happens as you both look at each other, arms awkwardly to your sides waiting for the other person to initiate unless it gets weird and you take the action, deciding whether or not this goodbye is warranted a hug or not.

    You do the thing and you part ways, unless you’re from the Midwest of course then you will be talking all before, during and after the hug – casually lingering with one foot in front of the next on your way out.

    Either way, it’s a closure from one point to the next. Concluding your time with someone either temporarily or permanently.

    I think we all do goodbyes because obviously it would be weird if we didn’t, right? Transitioning from one frame of presence to another where you are alone or moving on to another’s presence. Other than the social norms though, the purpose you would think is because maybe us humans need a solid transition – a mini closure.

    Of course, there are the ‘Irish goodbyes’ but those usually happen at parties, and are socially acceptable since you aren’t leaving a 1:1 hangout, like a casual ‘swing by’ situation that has a natural, silent swing out.

    I only figured out as I got older that ‘Irish goodbyes’ were only socially approved as something to happen in certain settings.

    As a kid in a military family the ‘Irish’ goodbye just felt like the classic kind.

    People came in and out of your life regularly, and it was taught that goodbyes were in most cases unnecessary, or something special you awarded people very close to you, otherwise you didn’t get attached enough to need more closure than that.

    At least that is what my dad thought, taking me away from friendships I built over a 6-year span and asking me to transition to a new home in under 2 weeks. “Make it quick” he said as I scrambled out of the car to give everyone a big hug and tell them that I’d miss them.

    I still resent my dad for that.

    It ended up impacting a lot of friendships and relationships as I had gotten older and had more autonomy over my environments. I would break up with boys on a whim and with little closure to them or myself – acting on emotions and feelings I didn’t even understand. I would burn bridges with friends, uncomfortable with the guilt of saying goodbye and having the conversation around it.

    I became classified to some as a ‘cold hearted bitch’.

    It didn’t help that my immediate family, whom I spent most of my chidhood with considering we were moving so much, were emotionally detached from themselves and each other.

    The second to last move before dad retired, I started to have panic attacks. My first one being in Algebra class after I had just found out my grandma was dying of cancer and we were picking up our whole life and moving in 2 weeks, without more than a few days’ notice.

    I’d cry at the dinner table, getting worked up because I didn’t feel heard when I told her I was anxious and depressed. Out of frustration I would scream and run to my room slamming the door behind me – asking for trouble. My mom opened the door, leaned against the frame and grinned at me as if what I was feeling was a child acting out. Amusing.

    I learned that year that my feelings didn’t matter to my parents, so why share them when I’d be faced with disappointment and invalidation.

    When my favorite teacher died of cancer I went to the service and then came home, went to my room quietly and cried. My mom came in, saw me and then left without a single word.

    When a student at my high school died in a car crash on his way to school, the entire class was silent and distraught. I came home and cried because I felt so awful at what had happened, only for mom to say, ‘why, you didn’t know him?’.

    My dad was never home to really get it but I always knew he was similar to mom. Had the same ideas around emotional vulnerability. That is until his doctor accidentally prescribed him a cocktail of medication that gave him immense anxiety. He struggled for months, until he realized what it was.

    My mom came to me at one point and said, “watching what your father went through- I get it now.”

    Because the feelings of your children are not real unless an adult you know feels them first to make them valid. I felt in that moment that I wished my dad experienced that anxiety episode much sooner in life so that I didn’t feel like I missed out on having support. I would even wish anxiety and depression upon her resentfully so that she could truly feel it and give me the apology I deserved.

    Growing up through my 20s and going to lots of therapy, I took on the work of finding validation internally. I slip up a lot though still. I was in a 6 year relationship with someone who stopped hearing me, invalidating every fucking feeling I had against them with a debate. I let that relationship go for way too long because perhaps the trauma from my past felt slightly comforting – swallowing my feelings whole to prevent hurt, even though I didn’t need to do that.

    I would become fearful that if I expressed a feeling, she would shoot me down and be condescending just like my mother.

    The patters of our traumas are really difficult to get out of. So, as painful as it was and how much I didn’t want to do it – I said goodbye.

    The goodbye was long, drawn out and uncomfortable as fuck. I let it all be my fault just to get it over with. She would question why and I would just say it was me because it was easier – I promised myself it would be the last time I do that for another person. That since we were living together and knee-deep in our lives together, that me succumbing to the full blame would be easiest. I was protecting myself from defending my feelings like I knew would happen.

    Since that relationship I have been casually dating a lot of different people and practicing a lot of goodbyes. Some not so good, and some really healthy. Being honest, feeling my instincts and letting myself be an entire person.

    I don’t think I’ll ever get to truly say goodbye to my past and the soul-sinking feelings of having my feelings crushed between another person’s hands…

    The betrayal and feeling of loneliness that can come so easily from another person you so depend on.

    It’s been 7 years since I moved away from home and got the distance I needed to mend those relationships and have vulnerable conversations with both my parents – ones that have felt so rewarding and fulfilling, like they are trying to grow too.

    I move back in a year – saying goodbye to Colorado. They asked me to move back sooner and I laughed out loud at them because of course they would expect that to be easy.

    The people who never could understand why goodbye was something people did. The people who didn’t believe anyone or anyplace was ever worth one.

    I told them that I plan on taking my time leaving here. Getting the full closure of this place, my home, and parting ways with a whole chapter of myself. Giving my friends a solid, whole-hearted goodbye. Taking one last walk around the park near my apartment, going to all my favorite spots one more time, embracing a Colorado summer and winter one more time.

    They went silent on the other end of the phone – unclear of what to say. I felt the twinge of sadness from not being understood, from them not putting the fucking puzzle together. I can’t help but feel like one day they will just get it.

    I think that’s what happens when it’s your parents though. You want so badly for them to get you, understand what they did wrong and apologize for it, to feel for you and with you because you love them regardless. I know they love me too, but it’s not enough and it doesn’t feel like whole love.

    Whole love for me feels like synchronous understanding of one another, who they are, and doing what they need to feel that love.

    I do not feel like they seek to understand me and seek to give me the type of love I need and ask for. And that hurts.

    I’ll never be able to say goodbye to them, but I know in my heart of hearts I have to say goodbye to the expectations I’ve always hoped they’d meet.

    A type of goodbye no one could have ever prepared me for.

  • Understanding My Body at 30: A Post Break Up Health Epiphany

    I feel like I’m late. Late figuring out how my body works, and how it’s been operating all this time without my knowledge. Ironically, my period is extra late in result.

    Funny enough (and where it started) I got an IUD and a fertility test in the same week.

    I spent about a week researching IUDs to pick the best one, then I spent the rest of the week researching my new PCOS diagnosis from my follicle / AMH count from the fertility test. A diagnosis that explains my irregular periods that every PCP told me not to worry about and that it was completely normal. Though common – not normal, I hate them for that.

    Not only do I have PCOS, but during my IUD appointment I had a pap done at the same time, spontaneously as just like a ‘why not?’ only to find out that I have a high-level of precancerous cells on my cervix and that they need to do a biopsy and most likely a LEEP procedure – though I tested negative for HPV. My doctor is confused.

    As you might imagine I’m processing, and my cervix is fucking pissed from the IUD and now this biopsy.

    How long have I had PCOS and not noticed the symptoms? How long have I had these precancerous cells – my last pap came back normal just two years ago. False negative? What is happening?

    On top of all this, recently I realized that I want to have kids – not now, but when I’m 35+. With this LEEP procedure it shaves off a part of my cervix and with PCOS it makes conceiving extra intentional. If I have a second LEEP procedure down the road the difficulty increases.

    I keep thinking that If I was still in my last relationship that I most likely would have never sought out this information. The IUD wouldn’t haven’t happened, therefor the pap wouldn’t have happened since I wasn’t due for one. The fertility appointment wouldn’t have happened since I knew she didn’t want to have kids, which means I wouldn’t have learned about PCOS.

    I would have cruised under the radar for who knows how long.

    Sometimes I make myself nervous. Initially for not exploring my true wants and desires and staying with her too long, letting myself be discontent. It impacted my need to explore my sexual health.

    I feel like I have been in a two-month long sex-ed/women’s biology class that I didn’t realize I very much needed.

    What feels sad is when I discussed all this with my mom, she didn’t have any answers either – in fact she freaked me out with her biopsy procedure she had 30 years ago saying it was ‘traumatic’. Funny/not funny enough she told me that story the day before I found out I needed one myself.

    Every time I think about all of this, I feel a twinge of sadness in my heart at the possibility that maybe a baby might never happen for me, especially if I wait 5-7 years like I had planned. What could happen in those years that make my chances even smaller if I didn’t realize I was already carrying two burdens now at just 30.

    I didn’t realize how much it meant to me until I let myself actually explore it. Being with her the last 6 years and knowing she didn’t want a baby or even to get married, I almost let myself stay concrete in her choices because I wanted us to be together. I remember I would feel guilty about questioning it because it would be me going back on my word to her that, that wouldn’t change.

    It wasn’t until we broke up and I realized that everything was a possibility that I began to open myself up to exploring it even if I had conditioned myself to repress it. I let myself think about it, like really think about it. I watch my couple friends with their kid, my other friend doing it alone, watch my brother with his three kids struggling financially – looking at very difficult sides of parenting vs really beautiful moments understanding that there will always be both.

    If we hadn’t broken up, I wouldn’t have explored being with men again and would have really missed out on how my body could feel, experiencing different types of sex and penetration. I wouldn’t have felt sexually liberated to try new things. I would have kept feeling small.

    I would have kept feeling small.

    I would have kept feeling like my wants, needs and desires were not worth exploring – not allowed. I would have kept smoking copious amounts of pot, letting myself watch hours of TV and play hours of video games, let myself stay cooped up at home scared of interacting with other people, reading my smut books and living through their experiences – wishing for my own.

    I would have been perpetuating an unhealthy, unsatisfied lifestyle.

    I know I’m processing and admittedly having a hard time with it, but I still pick now. I pick figuring out my PCOS and these precancerous cells and the symptoms of this IUD then to ever go back there again.

    I pick having really great sex with multiple guys who teach me new things about what I like, don’t like and what I want to ask for.

    I pick the confidence I’ve gotten from throwing myself into uncomfortable, social situations and seeing my personality grow and expand in a way I really didn’t know existed.

    I pick now, even with the hurt and confusion.

    I pick now for me, then and now.

  • Exploring Hook-Ups: Casual to Primal Needs

    For the last two months since having intentional short flings & hook-ups with various men, I’ve started to melt toward more levels of connection. Maslow’s 3rd level of need is love and belonging and although I couldn’t really ask that of these men formally, nor would I want to, I found myself leaning toward that direction like a plant to sunlight.

    I’ve been in this studio apartment for three months now and it’s the first time I’ve lived alone in quite a few years. I’ve always prided myself on my independence and lack of need for other people to fill my cup, but I was ignorant from the comfortability of being fulfilled in other ways and not realizing all that I had been missing.

    I am officially in this ‘hoe phase’, as people like to call it, with the expectation of seeking after the physical elements of what a man can bring since being with a woman these last six years. The expectation being sex and only sex.

    After time went on with having these guys in my bed, I realized that I began to crave hugs, being squished, and face-on-skin contact. I would bury myself in their arms and neck, pulling myself closer into them as much as I could. When cuddling wouldn’t happen, I’d feel robbed even though it technically fulfilled my ask.

    I got confused for a moment because I thought perhaps that need surfaced from feelings bubbling up, but after some time really thinking about it I truly didn’t/don’t have romantic feelings for any of these men. I would never seriously consider dating any of them.

    I realize that just as sex is important, physical touch is essential for me to feel regulated and emotionally fulfilled.

    I love the relaxation of noticing my heart rate decrease with slow deep sighs. The softness of his bicep under my cheek as I pull his arm into me in a hug, or when he grabs me in a small burst of tightness before releasing.

    I’d flip around eventually and tuck my face in the space between his collarbone and neck, nuzzling in as I wrap my legs between his and pull in tighter letting any extra excitement writhe beneath the surface as I press myself into him.

    We would talk a little bit about easy things, sharing perspectives on light topics and laughing. We were comfortably warm and found the perfect position. I realized after this that this was exactly what I needed, sometimes even more so than sex.

    Now that I’ve been experiencing a lot of new things, things that I now crave even more, it’s been making the need feel more primal. Instead of just wanting it, I feel I need it. With that need a new feeling bubbled up – fear. Fear of not having it, not being able to obtain it, a lack mentality.

    It was something I had always needed, but only just realized.

    In the beginning of this entire journey, I began to go to Swing Dance classes. I think originally it was because I just like to dance and try new things, but over time I would find myself seeking out classes when I was feeling lonely or sad. Of course, the conversations that would come from this community were fulfilling in their own way, but it was the craving of physical touch that I started to realize was prevalent every time I asked myself why I would gravitate toward it. The holding hands and being close to someone in an almost a hug.

    I guess I didn’t want to admit it because it sounds fucking sad, but after time I’m just beginning to come to peace that this is what being a human feels like when you don’t have a long-term committed person in your life to fulfill these needs when you want them. My prior relationship didn’t actually offer a lot of this, it was primarily a friendship for the last year or so, so now that I’m back into it, I feel as though every need is heightened after getting a taste of it.

    It’s as if it’s brand new. Like it’s my first time. Like I had been so hungry for so long and I hadn’t realized it because I frankly just got used to it.

    As I move through my days, I feel this perpetual want. I’m always wanting. For the last two months since the first time, I’ve been with a guy it’s been a tidal wave of feeling unsatiated, even when I’m completely satisfied in the moment. It’s ongoing and almost endless.

    With the sex and now this physical intimacy, I’m just feral for the connection.