Hello Coco : A diary

Tag: Poly

  • Who Fills What Cup?: The Poly Dynamic of a +1

    In the last 15 days I have moved to the “I love you” you stage with one partner, and the spending a weekend together stage with the other partner. In the middle of all of that, my mind has been running circles around expectations for both relationships. How deep do I want to go with one vs. the other? Is it weird to recycle pet names? What about date ideas?

    The ‘love’ partner and I had a night where we danced bachata in my living room and played a board game. The other partner and I were faced with the no internet issue and did the exact same thing for lack of the movie night we anticipated. Mind you – I don’t have a lot of options in my apartment so late at night, which was the case for both of these days, but it did feel a little weird.

    Let’s not forget the similarities between both of these guys too that is just downright fucking weird and coincidental. Both men are Mexican, about the same age, have similar hobbies, both can’t dance bachata/salsa for shit, they both wear socks with sandals and don’t like spicy food, are/have been ongoing into therapy and seem to have a strong EQ, grew up and loved sports, and who knows what else.

    Back when the ‘love’ partner and I started dating, I was awestruck at how stable our attachment was. How grounded, adult, and nourishing it felt to be with someone who knew exactly how to love me. I would tell my therapist, “I need another guy like this, but that isn’t married or has a kid….or plans to move!”, but of course I said verbatim, “I need another X [redacting name]”. My therapist would call me out and say no, no you don’t. You just need someone who treats you similarly, like she didn’t want me to hyperfocus on finding someone just like him.

    I guess I accidentally did. No exactly, but it’s a little uncanny. On top of that, the ‘love’ partner’s wife’s poly partner is an ex-marine & cop just like my other guy. We encountered a little bit of coincidental awkwardness around ‘love’ partner’s jealousy at the trend, sensitivity to his ego/masculinity, on top of everything else.

    As I’m navigating both men, naturally comparing them to one another, I am beginning to trace threads of each relationship to how my heart wants to be held together. The ‘love’ partner offers a deep, sensitive relationship focused around talking about feelings, self-improvement, a softer sex and meaningful emotional connection. He offers deep emotional support and great sex.

    My other partner, so far, offers excitement and edge. He’s mysterious and sexy with his tattoos and rugged appearance. He cusses and makes dark humored jokes, and is more sexually expressive. He opens every door for me, grasps me by the back of the neck when we walk (in a hot way), can’t stop touching me, and calls me every kind of sweet name he can in spanish. He is accessible, present, and supportive. He makes the plans and takes direction, and he pushes me to the inside of the sidewalk away from the road. he offers deep emotional support and great sex + regular presence in my life due to no kids/wife.

    As I move forward, I’m learning more and more about myself; how i want to be loved, how I want to love, in what areas do I crave excitement and thrill versus grounded love and is that sustainable long term if both these men stay in my life? Did I accidentally gravitate toward this second person and all the similarities in search of a replicate of my ‘love’ partner that is more accessible? That can offer a future?

    I still have so much to learn.

  • Polyamory & The Polycule: My Complications

    I went on a date this morning with a man that asked me, “So, how long have you been in the lifestyle?”


    I felt a little embarrassment for sharing that I was quite new to it, I think for fear of being perceived as inexperienced and thus maybe too much work – too complicated.


    That probably stems a little from a guy earlier this year who vetoed our friends with benefits set-up due to the fact I haven’t had much sex with men for 7 years considering I was in a relationship with a woman for a long while. It got too ‘complicated’. In fact, the observations of most men when I tell them this is generally hesitation.


    I can understand that in a certain lens of him knowing exactly he wanted. He wanted a girl that could deep-throat his dick (mind you, it is large) and I wasn’t up for the job, at least not at that time. I was just re-learning how to give a blow job again – hello.


    I understand Polyamory is a whole other beast than learning how to move past your gag reflex and learning sex with men again, but the common theme for me these past 5 months has been ‘inexperience’, so admitting to another one gave me the cringe as I told him the truth.


    We had spent hours talking; casually looping in details of our current partners, sexual needs, and other tidbits of ‘lifestyle’ information that would help determine our compatibility.


    It occurred to me as we were talking that finding another partner to join this ‘Polycule’ I stumbled into wouldn’t be easy business. Not only do I need to find them attractive, communicative, and emotionally aware but they needed to be vetted by basically everyone in my current polycule based on STI results, status, and at a frequency that is relative to any additional sexual partners that come into play.


    This guy told me he has his wife, one woman that travels into town once a month, and could seek an additional partner outside of me if we moved forward. His wife is also seeking partners. That is 3+ people I would be adding in, just to hook up with this one guy regularly.


    On top of that he shared his wife has herpes flare ups (tested positive). Which means that I would of course need to relay that to the entire team – yes, that’s what I’m calling them now- and get their stamp of approval first.

    This is nothing like what I was doing in the beginning of the year meeting guys on Tinder and just hooking up with them. It was a very dangerous and I’m lucky I came out of it clean, but I did very minimal work compared to this. I also had very limited emotional connection, communication, and genuine intimacy with those men.


    I would never go back there, but I’m really just starting to process through exactly what I got myself into.


    When the date ended I walked away feeling more overwhelmed and confused. He checked the boxes of attractiveness, communicative, and emotionally aware however the multiple partners, FWB attitude, and his wife’s results made me think, “oh my god, is this too complicated?”


    I’m sitting here reflecting on this inexperience complex thinking sad about how I might be too complicated for others while also considering the same for him being too much. I realize in this moment that it really isn’t about me – other people’s version of ‘complicated’. It’s their emotional and physical bandwidth. How much are we willing to give? Is it worth it? What is the fucking ROI here?


    Perhaps the deep-throat guy was like, “if this is too much for her, maybe my other needs won’t be met.” If someone was to not want to move forward with me because my inexperience of polyamory it could be that they don’t have the mental space to walk through it, perhaps they just got out of a similar situation and it was draining. Perhaps they have an insecurity of committing for someone to realize the lifestyle isn’t for them?


    I’m sitting here thinking about my date in a similar, but opposite way, “This is a big commit for me when I’m already going through so much and I just got into this other relationship a month ago. It might be too soon to consider complicating things further.”


    My date texted me just a moment ago saying he had such a nice time and how he was hoping to kiss me, but couldn’t read it. Why do I feel guilty? As If I’m letting down the world by sharing my feelings.


    I’ve been asked on many dates in the last few months and have exercised all sorts of no’s like, “I’m seeing someone”, “I’m not dating right now”, “I’m moving in a year” – I’ve had clear and easy outs that would make anyone say – “yeah that makes sense”.


    Not to say my reason, that I can’t handle something like this right now, doesn’t make sense, but that it’s a new one for me and giving that reason when I’ve heard it a few times this last few months makes me nervous to make the other person feel the way I did. Complicated.

  • The Dynamics of Jealousy in Non-Monogamous Relationships

    Me being on a sexually explorative journey these last now four months, I’ve now found myself exploring polyamory with a man (let’s call him Seth) I met just two or so weeks ago.

    He’s married and has a kid. His wife has a long-term boyfriend that seth has never met before. His wife would never meet me as per the arrangement, nor hear about anything sexual that happens between him and I and vice versa.

    The context is that they got married for the baby that they had shortly after just starting to date. Later they found out that they weren’t completely compatible which opened up their marriage into ‘Ethical Non-Monogamy’ or ENM for short. A term I had never heard before I swiped right on his Hinge profile.

    The first time we met, Seth and I, we discussed all sorts of deep topics one of which being his jealousy. He told me that he still struggled with it, regarding his wife going out and dating this other guy even though he’s still completely supportive of it.

    It started to really make me feel about my own patterns of jealousy, but now a few weeks later I’m starting to experience some.

    I felt it when he told me that him and his wife were going to watch some TV together one night. Another time when he told me he massages her to sleep most night.

    It’s not that I’m jealous that he has her, but I think more that, that was something I used to have a long time ago and feel deprived of now. Seth has been checking every single box of mine since I met him, so the emotional connection has been connecting. Between that and the jealousy it was hard to pinpoint what exactly was going on beneath the surface since my initial intentions were to be more casual.

    I’m starting to believe that Seth is so great that I’m creating an anxious attachment from the realization that I have been lacking this type of intimacy for a long while now. It’s like overcompensating for the relationship I just got out of 5 months ago – I have a taste of something genuine, safe and intimate and now I’m addicted to it, or so that’s how I think I feel.

    With the other guys I’ve been with these last 4 months, I didn’t have this issue at all. Maybe a little bit with one guy because he made feel some type of way with our PDA and physical touch that it sparked up something in me that wanted that connection more – it let to a small emotional tether that was then snapped off because he wasn’t in a good space.

    I have had these boundaries though. I was only searching for casual, fun and enlightening as it relates to learning more about my body and preferences. Then I meet Seth who is emotionally intelligent, smart, caring, considerate, and of course sexy. He texts me every day and considers my feelings each time regardless of what we’re talking about. He asks me questions and is attentive. He’s strong and feels safe. He’s present and hears me when I talk.

    These are all things that weren’t present in the last year of my prior relationship. I grew avoidant, smoked lots of pot, acted impulsively, didn’t take care of my body or mind, and slept a lot. I wore sweatpants everywhere.

    Getting out of that relationship was one battle won but now interpreting how my heart and mind repair and act when given those needs once deprived feels accessible… it’s eye-opening and scary like I’m a little bit out of control.

    Why? Because I feel I am developing an anxious attachment out of prolonged feelings of lack. Maybe the ‘lack’ is what I need to work on to walk through this. Maybe it’s finding his qualities in friendships so that I can diversify it, not holding it so heavy with one person – as it should be.

    I don’t really know what I’m doing or how all of this will pan out – the relationship and my mental health – but I’m excited to try and be vulnerable doing it.