Me being on a sexually explorative journey these last now four months, I’ve now found myself exploring polyamory with a man (let’s call him Seth) I met just two or so weeks ago.
He’s married and has a kid. His wife has a long-term boyfriend that seth has never met before. His wife would never meet me as per the arrangement, nor hear about anything sexual that happens between him and I and vice versa.
The context is that they got married for the baby that they had shortly after just starting to date. Later they found out that they weren’t completely compatible which opened up their marriage into ‘Ethical Non-Monogamy’ or ENM for short. A term I had never heard before I swiped right on his Hinge profile.
The first time we met, Seth and I, we discussed all sorts of deep topics one of which being his jealousy. He told me that he still struggled with it, regarding his wife going out and dating this other guy even though he’s still completely supportive of it.
It started to really make me feel about my own patterns of jealousy, but now a few weeks later I’m starting to experience some.
I felt it when he told me that him and his wife were going to watch some TV together one night. Another time when he told me he massages her to sleep most night.
It’s not that I’m jealous that he has her, but I think more that, that was something I used to have a long time ago and feel deprived of now. Seth has been checking every single box of mine since I met him, so the emotional connection has been connecting. Between that and the jealousy it was hard to pinpoint what exactly was going on beneath the surface since my initial intentions were to be more casual.
I’m starting to believe that Seth is so great that I’m creating an anxious attachment from the realization that I have been lacking this type of intimacy for a long while now. It’s like overcompensating for the relationship I just got out of 5 months ago – I have a taste of something genuine, safe and intimate and now I’m addicted to it, or so that’s how I think I feel.
With the other guys I’ve been with these last 4 months, I didn’t have this issue at all. Maybe a little bit with one guy because he made feel some type of way with our PDA and physical touch that it sparked up something in me that wanted that connection more – it let to a small emotional tether that was then snapped off because he wasn’t in a good space.
I have had these boundaries though. I was only searching for casual, fun and enlightening as it relates to learning more about my body and preferences. Then I meet Seth who is emotionally intelligent, smart, caring, considerate, and of course sexy. He texts me every day and considers my feelings each time regardless of what we’re talking about. He asks me questions and is attentive. He’s strong and feels safe. He’s present and hears me when I talk.
These are all things that weren’t present in the last year of my prior relationship. I grew avoidant, smoked lots of pot, acted impulsively, didn’t take care of my body or mind, and slept a lot. I wore sweatpants everywhere.
Getting out of that relationship was one battle won but now interpreting how my heart and mind repair and act when given those needs once deprived feels accessible… it’s eye-opening and scary like I’m a little bit out of control.
Why? Because I feel I am developing an anxious attachment out of prolonged feelings of lack. Maybe the ‘lack’ is what I need to work on to walk through this. Maybe it’s finding his qualities in friendships so that I can diversify it, not holding it so heavy with one person – as it should be.
I don’t really know what I’m doing or how all of this will pan out – the relationship and my mental health – but I’m excited to try and be vulnerable doing it.
Hello Coco : A diary 