Hello Coco : A diary

Tag: Self-love

  • an overwhelm.

    I am in another phase of change in my life and because of it i have been spiraling into insecurities that laid dormant for the last 10 or so months.

    This new relationship I am in is getting serious. He told me that he loved me, introduced me to his family, and we spent thanksgiving together all in the same week. I’m still navigating how I feel but on top of that we’ve been having some misalignments & miscommunications that have me cautious. Last night being the worst one which caused him to walk out of my apartment, send accusatory texts, and flat out say, “You don’t respect me.” We’re having a talk tonight.

    With all of that happening, i’ve been a little outside my body and letting my mind just take control of everything. over analyzing.

    additionally, i started to advocate for my career this year and tell my boss that i wanted to get into HR eventually. Now that I’ve made it real and said it out loud, I find myself self-critiquing how I am at work as I would imagine the Hr team is doing of me – perhaps watching me, seeing if I can make it on their team. the imposter syndrome is telling me that I’m not cut-out. That i’m too impulsive and I’m not super calm and soft spoken like some of the other people on the team. Comparing.

    Luckily enough, past all of these internal monologues, my mind shuts off when I go to dance class. I have an outlet that I need to take advantage of more. I have my writing that I’ve left to the wayside these past few months and I haven’t picked up my book in 2 months at least.

    I’m taking care of myself physically, but emotionally and mentally I’m on these other planets trying to make them make sense in my orbit. Do they belong here? Am I on the write trajectory?

    I keep trying to bring myself back down to earth and touch grass but it’s been difficult lately. I want to control things. I’m torn between the thought of ‘make it happen for yourself’ and ‘let things come to you when it’s right’ and balancing both.

    I’m not sure if my boyfriend will be the long haul considering his conflict resolution skills are lacking, and his emotional intelligence is on a PIP. I’m not sure if I will get into HR or if the roles on that team will even make me happy.

    truth is I’m just uncomfortable in the uncertainty of it all, not so much whether each works out or not. I just want answers, but I know I can’t force it.

  • the subjective dating timeline: a brain dump

    I think I’ve been playing it pretty safe with him. telling myself it’s too soon for a lot of things. he asked to get matching pajamas for photos. I thought to myself ‘that’s what serious couples do’. The first week we got back together he bought us a vacation for Mexico in January (fully refundable, but still). He asked me yesterday if I’d ever want to move in with him like he was gathering signal if I thought this relationship was going serious. a few questions came up the next day around how our animals would co-exist and what that would look like. so, he’s definitely thinking about what our life would look like if we brought it together.

    that isn’t a bad thing – at least I don’t think it is. i feel like feelings are developing quickly between us absolutely. we both acknowledged that this relationship is going very well. We enjoy a lot of the same things, have the same love languages, same values & morals, same ideal futures, we can sit in silence, i feel emotionally regulated around him, and we have really great communication around all topics especially sensitive ones like politics, religion, traumas, etc;.

    Being with him now is much different than before when I also had another relationship via a poly-dynamic. Now that we are exclusive, I get to see him wholly. He is safe, grounded, and comfortable and with that he is the most consistent, affectionate, compassionate, and loving man I know.

    the cherry on top is that we are both so wildly attracted to each other and can’t keep our hands off. we try new things, don’t hesitate to learn about each other’s bodies and what feels good…he fished my Diva ring out of my vagina yesterday after sex (got lodged and I freaked out a bit!), so i would say yeah it’s gotten pretty intimate.

    With all of these beautiful things in mind, I can’t help but to give space to the thoughts in the back of my mind – rightfully so, as I’m trying to protect myself- that Ive only known him for approximately 4.5 months.

    is that enough time to start thinking about these types of things or am I being overly cautious from my prior relationship?

    I will say that the on-set of my last relationship was much different. I remember I would do or say anything for her to like me. I tried really hard and in turn 6 years later, I had lost myself completely to the idea of what I felt I needed to be for her.

    Going into this with him, I feel drastically more confident in myself. I know myself tremendously better than when I was 24. I am 31 now. I have experienced so much and have learned what is and isn’t important to me. How i value my time, what i like to do for myself, and how to hold those boundaries. He respects that and I of course encourage him to do the same.

    There are no butterflies and intense anxiety like I had with her. With him I feel comfortable (most of the time – sometimes, he stares at me and I just don’t know what to do with that). Don’t get me wrong, I feel excitement to see him. I feel really great chemistry and connection. I just don’t feel like my nervous system pays the price for it this go-around.

    Maybe that’s why I find myself leaning into all the love he is giving me, the talks of the future, and what our lives could be like. maybe that’s why i can picture him being the father of my kids and perhaps getting married someday. I think my heart sputters thinking about it out of excitement, and fear that maybe I’m feeling too deeply too soon. That i should be acting ‘smarter’ around my feelings as to not get myself hurt.

    At this point I ask that protector/manager side of myself, ‘when is enough, enough?’ To what degree am I comfortable with you stepping back and letting chips fall where they may?

    I believe I’m doing a great job in Therapy being mindful of data points that he gives me regarding his past, his job, and lots of other things that I have never been exposed to before. He’s had a very very difficult life, filled with trauma, violence, abandonment, and heartache. In no way do these things impact our relationship negatively because he has done so much work for himself, but my heart has to ask the questions before I leap – which is what i’ve been doing lately.

    So yeah, my protectors are at play. He is making me feel so secure. how do I approach balance? how soon is too soon – is there even a timeline when it comes to these things?

    or am i just thinking way too much. I should enjoy this. eat up all this love he is giving me because it feels so fulfilling. stop questioning everything – I mean don’t stop asking questions and being curious – but give the relationships a little extra grace and optimism that all is safe. all is okay. He has not given me any indication that I am not safe and I should honor that.

    most importantly, I’ve done a lot of work over the last year learning how to trust myself all over again. I learned an incredible amount about myself, my heart, my boundaries, attachment, needs, passions, my body and sex, etc; I have done such an excellent job navigating all the people and situations in my life this past year to align with all of these factors – ensuring that they are in alignment, or if not, that I manage them.

    I have come forward to my parents on our relationship; assessing my attachment needs and applying them, I have navigated the relationship with my body – PCOs, cervical cancer cells, birth control, and what sex is supposed to feel like, and I have see people come and go as they were supposed to in the chapters of my life.

    The common theme is that I made all of this happen and I trusted myself that i was making the right choices, or the best choices with the information i had. looking back i truly don’t feel like i made any mistakes and i had my best interest in mind.

    with all of that data in mind, how can i not trust myself with this relationship? i will be okay and i won’t have any regrets because i am moving forward with full transparency, my full heart and the trust that I’ve got me.

    I’ve got me. I wouldn’t let myself compromise or hurt myself for the love of another person again because I’m not her anymore. she is a far away person that I hold dearly in my heart and that is it.

    I am a grown woman now with a voice and a strong one at that. i don’t let people tell me how to feel, how to act, how to ‘be’. i am a full person and deserve a full, whole love that emphasizes all that I am and am growing into.

    With him, I don’t feel lost in myself or in him. I am me, I am grounded, and i am whole.

    so, i’m going to let this unfold naturally without tracking ‘how long’ and more so just being mindful of how the pace feels day by day; ensuring alignment as we go.

  • polyamory and Fwb with an ex -eek?

    In about 3 hours, I am about to open a friend with benefits door with a man I just got out of a 2ish-month relationship with because he was emotionally avoidant toward the end. said plainly, but there’s actually a lot more to it.

    we dated for a little over 2 months and it was going well until it wasn’t. I noticed that i had started to feel anxiety, not really knowing where his heart was because he wasn’t readily showing it without me asking for reassurance. I told him that it was causing issues and that if he couldn’t open up more than we wouldn’t be able to see each other. we ended up breaking up. 1 week after, we had a really great closure conversation discussing attachment and where he was at considering my polyamorous lifestyle. He realized he couldn’t feel safe and secure with someone practicing ENM. he needed monogamy.

    Cut to-2 weeks later and I’m laying in bed feeling an extremely absurd amount of horny. mid-heated moment with myself, i impulsively text him,

    “i want you to fuck me right now.”

    10 seconds later…

    “I want you to pick me up and fuck me in your truck.”

    about 30 minutes later i receive a text back,

    “Shut up, i just had a sex dream about me fucking you in a restaurant.”

    And that was it! That is all it took for me to continue the conversation, and we agreed that we would meet up tonight. The day passed with a few steamy texts and the sexual tension and anticipation rising. I kept asking myself the same question over and over, ‘How are you feeling about this?’ and ‘Are you positive?’

    the answer kept coming back as yes.

    i’ve been seeing this other man for the last 6 months now, twice a month. he has a wife and a kid (also ENM), and so his schedule is pretty tight. sex…twice a month. that might be okay for some, but for me – for those who know me – it’s definitely not enough.

    I am a very sexual person. I enjoy sex on so many different levels. Of course it feels good and there are many many many…many different way to get off but it’s also the human connection. the skin-on-skin contact. the human connection that i so love and crave. the long hugs from aftercare are the sweet spot.

    so when asking myself this question over and over, that kept playing in my mind. the comfort of comfort. i know him, he knows me, and we’re both good people who just aren’t meant to be together romantically – so, why not in this way? At least until he meets someone new since he said he doesn’t want to do another ENM relationship again (too much work lol).

    I begin to ask myself more questions…

    ‘Do i kiss him when i say goodbye?’

    ‘do we hold hands in the car, when he picks me up tonight like we always used to?’

    ‘how do i feel about those things and do I feel like they will cause confusion for me?’

    I’ve had 2 weeks to process our closure talk. I feel very grounded in the decision that we cannot and will not work on a romantic level due to the anxiety i experienced, and how he wasn’t able to meet the needs i explicitly asked of him – to text me every day, to say sweet things unprompted, to get deeper with me in intimate conversations, etc; these are not small.

    Do we feel like understanding and digesting that he can’t do those things for me will submerge any and all feelings when we have sex tonight?

    if feelings do come up – will i be able to handle those independently? I suppose I’ll find out.

    but isn’t it crazy how one impulse, one text, one conversation can lead to so many dominoes falling into a whole other relationship dynamic. moments like these remind me that we are really crafting our own reality. Any decision can push us into a different chapter of our lives without us even thinking about it!

    I’m saying that is what is happening here, but sorta! choosing who you spend your time with, who you share your body with – in whatever capacity – is a switch in your reality. you’re saying, ‘hey, i want my current situation to alter where you are involved and we can exchange energy for who knows how long.’

    me getting deeper and deeper into dance and committing to multiple classes per week, at-home practice, going out to socials, etc; tells my reality, ‘hey, we’re switching things up. She really loves to do this now, so we’re going to make it a regular thing which means interacting with like-minded people, moving our body in strange new ways, and expressing ourself differently’.

    That’s huge.

    I’m making so many stimulating changes in my life and each one i’m hoping is positive and leads to another. I’m not sure if me opening up this door with him is going to be positive – my gut instinct says that it will be – which is comforting, but you never know what might happen.

    so, here i am sifting through my next big decision cautious, excited, and most of all proud of myself for allowing me to follow my instincts, my desires, and overall listen to how my body feels in this new energy.

    Whatever happens though, i will be okay and more decisions will come that will set me on the right path forward.

  • Boundaries vs. Feelings: Fight!

    It’s been over 7 years since I’ve been in a relationship with a man. I’m finding that a lot of them are emotionally avoidant – makes sense considering the track record of men being told to keep their feelings to themselves, but with my experience dating women where feelings are okay and everything is on the table, I’m in foreign territory.

    Men know by now, at least per the social media I’ve consumed thus far, should know that women remember a lot of shit. When you make solid plans and when you don’t. When you hint at wanting to get breakfast at the morning, but when morning comes you race out (not without sex first though) because you now have to walk your dog’s even though your roommate has always done it for you in the past.

    We remember the data points big and small.

    I’m beginning to notice that I actually do a lot of guessing with this man I’m seeing now. We’ve had talks where I tell him I don’t think he cares, based off a response to a text basically asking him to, and he responds letting me know that he thought I needed to process my feelings first – as he processes feelings. That is fair. Miscommunication.

    I can’t help but to wonder if I give too much flexibility though, with these ‘miscommunications’ and so called, “good intentions”. I have a track record:

    One man told me he didn’t walk me to my car late at night because he was ‘tired and out of it’. I told him how unsafe I felt considering he knew he lived in a rough part of town and a man jumped out of the bushes and scared the shit out of me. He gave a weak apology about his intentions.

    I once believed a man when he said he had to stay later at work for inventory instead of meeting up with me, only to find out he was insecure about the people I was hanging out with and just decided to straight up lie and waste my time. I waited till the bars closed to receive that notification.

    One man was flat out mean and made a fast joke the moment I hopped into his truck. I called him out and he said that was just his humor. I carried that one out a little longer to see if he would change (also cause the sex was so good) considering I told him how it made me feel and it didn’t, and I shouldn’t have expected it to.

    There have been many lessons that I’ve learned these past 8 months from these type of stories:

    • Never let a man make you feel like you are on-call.
    • If he cared, he would. No excuses.
    • Don’t try to change the first impression in your mind to console your feelings. He won’t change. Believe him at face value. (No matter how good the sex!)
    • Live your life as if he doesn’t exist. Go follow through with your plans with friends and your plans with yourself. When you say you’re going to do something, don’t change plans because he texts you. Keep that trust with yourself.

    I hold all these lessons close to my heart while still trying to balance the fact that a lot of men really do have communication issues, repressed feelings, and inability to show emotion early on.

    I hold compassion, but at the same time I have to hold my heart first. It’s just not easy when you start to invest time with someone. Holding that balance can be a struggle. I have to remind myself over and over that regardless of how I feel, I have to listen to my intuition.

    So, my ‘no breakfast’ plans man who left early this morning just texted:

    “Sheeet, I came home and fell asleep. I’m going to get ready and come that way.”

    To that I said: “Ended up going to a cafe to write a bit, I’ll hit ya up later.”

    and he responded, “Cool”.

    Consistency and concrete plans are ‘cool’ for me. I think I need to share that and see where he comes out on the other side. The aftercare this morning was minimal. He left too quickly after, making it feel less…intimate.

    All of these rules and boundaries are great in theory, but I’m processing through hurt feelings still from prior experiences and I have new triggers than I did before. Holding compassion for myself, this man I’m seeing, and those boundaries is quite the juggle. Add feelings into it all, and it’s more complex than ever.

    With this guy, I’m aiming to be as honest as I possibly can – compassionate – but honest about how my heart feels when things happen. Without fear of how he will feel about it, grounded in myself and my decisions, but again, compassionate to his experience too. Most importantly, follow my intuition.

  • Rewiring Past Decisions: My 40-hour+ Work Week

    I’ve noticed as of late that my job holds little in my brain for debate considering it gives me stability in the world we live in today. I have a mountain of debt as well that keeps me tied to it in a way that feels a little repressive. With that, very slight sour feelings arise when I think of my job and the pressures they entail. I’ve noticed when I ask myself about it, I want to clam up a bit because I don’t feel like I have an option to debate right now.

    I’m making big decisions in my life right now regarding the possibility of moving out of state, my sexuality, and lots of other personal life choices, but this is something I find myself avoiding more often than not. I’ve let myself do it too and in this moment I feel the courage to see it head on even if just for this post at first.

    Being in Recruiting, my value is held by metrics of how quickly I can close jobs and how happy I can make my hiring managers in the process. Being that recruiting is a people business – candidates are half the equation – it can be unreliable, yet we still feel the brunt of the deadline regardless of that variability.

    I’ve been doing my line of work since I moved here in 2017, though in various settings and angles. It was the first job that offered enough money to eat more than Rice-a-Roni and PBJ sandwhiches. I clung to it and put every effort I could into making those numbers and deadlines my mission for survival. I eventually worked my way up and now am senior in my profession making over six figures. Since I was bad with money in my twenties though and moved to another state on a whim with no money in my savings, I accrued a fuck ton of debt that has my salary wrapped up, so I still come from a state of scarcity and lack.

    I feel shame around my debt and my financial decisions that I had made, but with everything going on in my life I’ve been able to compartmentalize and have fun in the present with everything else I’m up to. Reaching into my truest desires elsewhere has allowed me to take a breathe from over thinking my finances and live in moments that don’t cost a thing. It’s been helping me have a more healthy look at my relationship with money and even so my debt.

    This entry isn’t about my debt though. It’s about the job I choose to have for 40 hours+ a week. With me initially getting into this field out of fear, lack, and need for stability (rightfully so), I look back and ask myself that if none of those feelings were present what profession would I have chosen for myself. If I had came to Colorado with a safety net and could take my time, what would I have explored? Would I have used my Professional Writing degree?

    There’s always been a part of me that has considered writing as a job whether it be professional writing like technical, editing, proposals, etc; or fiction writing like the stories that I’m verrrry slowwwly working through right now.

    Impostor syndrome creeps up when I think about how I haven’t had the motivation to work on my fantasy story in over a month, how I am taking a very long break from my psychological thriller novel, and how I over-critique myself which sucks the joy out of projects/this blog sometimes. This blog is something I just started up a little over a month ago and I’m addicted to it. It’s a season of writing that I’ve really leaned into unexpectedly.

    This type of writing though really requires me to dig into my internal monologue, personal psychological analysis, internal conflict, and traumas. It can be too much sometimes, or I harp on the same things over and over again as I’m processing through it. I can run through loops, get lost, distract myself and end up looking back trying to reverse outline because of my ADHD. Even with all of that though, it’s been keeping me very present in my life and letting repressed feelings bubble up to the surface so that I can see them for what they are.

    All of this said, my writing fluctuates. It’s inconsistent, doesn’t have a clear theme or direction for a career path, and I’ve always told myself I’m not a good editor and technical writing would be too stiff for me to do daily. Additionally, what if I do it as a career and the pressure and critique of it ruin my love for it?

    So, then I sit with myself on other ideas.

    When I was young I wanted to be like Nancy Drew – a Detective! My dad told me to choose something more realistic so I landed on a Veterinarian for a while, but I quickly found out that I couldn’t handle that emotionally and another factor is they aren’t paid well. Also vet school is so expensive. I took a web development boot camp a few years back to see if my brain could handle something like that, but absolutely not. I was always creative and liberal arts focused in high school and college – math & arithmetic were never even an average skill set of mine.

    I’ve taken career quizzes, personality tests, legitimately Googled jobs and just peeked around for ideas. It’s ironic that I’m a recruiter and doing so much as if I haven’t seen every job (in corporate land) out there already.

    I’ve considered being a career coach/government career assistant because I love helping people find their potential and getting them on the right path – teaching them about interviewing and resume development. I’ve considered getting into the operations side of Human Resources like being a business partner, and I even completed my PHR last year before switching companies. I just don’t know if I will be able to transition into that department being that I’m at a start-up and everything is quite small. The job market is trash right now, so the chances of a company taking an opportunity on someone without direct experience is unlikely considering they are probably getting people who do have the skill sets already.

    Out of everything I explored, leaning into HR will be the best match for me. Keeping writing as a hobby I think will be the healthiest option, and if I want to publish something down the road – if the stars align – then fabulous.

    Considering my initial point, my job holds my heart in a binder of sorts. It’s more difficult for me to be risky with my job than it is with anything else in my life. It makes me feel too dependent, and weak thinking that if I lost my job I will be in ruin due to my financial situation. This means that taking leaps feels like an immense effort. Advocating for my growth at my current company, asking for more and leaning in feels scary. On top of that, because HR isn’t a ‘passion’ of mine – it’s a paycheck that offers more stability than recruiting – it’s not necessarily something I’m like “Oh, I want to do this!” it’s a means to an end where I’m thinking, “I should do this because it will make my life simpler, but I need to start making the decisions.”

    Perhaps changing my mindset around going after an HR job will help motivate me into making the risk feel even more worth it. If I put a deeper ‘why’ behind it, it could leverage me to take the risks. I think one thing too that I forget often is what I ‘deserve’.

    One day, a few years back, I was visiting my therapist and she prescribed me a higher dose of antidepressants. My internal monologue found its way out as I was debating when I would start the new dose based on logistics of my schedule and picking up the prescription. None of the logistical factors were all that daunting- it was more coming from a place of laziness when she asked me why I couldn’t just pick them up that day. She followed my rant by saying, “Don’t you think you deserve it?”

    It stuck with me because I do find that I talk myself out of what I deserve based solely on the weakness in my mind tied to lack of motivation and laziness. That was the depression and anxiety talking to a certain extent. Though I’m medicated completely now and happy, I still run into that internal conflict from time to time – including right now.

    You want to change fields so that you can be more stimulated and seen as more of a business partner than transactional- Don’t you deserve that?

    You want to keep working on your writing projects because it fuels your heart and creative spirit – don’t you deserve that?

    What all do I deserve? And when it comes to a job, what do people deserve from me but my best self? I can only give my best self when I feel like I’m stimulated, challenged, and living up to my own potential. Do I feel like I have all those things now in recruiting at my current job? I’m definitely challenged, but stimulated is another thing. Recruiting is something I’ve always done therefor I know all the ins and outs of it – every job I may work on might be vastly different from the last, but the way you go about it is truly the same. If you experience obstacles there are similar ways out of them as you’ve done prior. But I could say that same thing with every job out there.

    I think I just want to feel valued in my role as a partner rather than someone that needs to hit specified numbers, metrics and cater to the needs of a stakeholder as if they are my client. I have ideas and a voice that I want to use. Recruiting can almost feel so transactional and I want more depth and challenge in my day-to-day. I want projects on enablement and process improvements. I want to uncover gaps and think logically about things that could have a high impact. I believe I can meet in the middle and do that within a HR based position – I just need the opportunity to get there. I deserve that opportunity.

    So, if Mel Robbins says that each decision I make can change my entire life then what decisions should I make at this point regarding my job? What risks can I make to get me out of ‘stuck’ and stimulate my day-to-day life?

    Instead of living in the state of scarcity – how can I go after what I deserve?

  • Healing My Inner Child and Still Choosing Heartbreak

    I think the last time I was this attracted to someone it was my first girlfriend back in 2014-2015. [We’ll call her Meredith] She was this magical unicorn of a person that when I saw for the first time, I instantly gravitated toward her. The energy of her attention was all-consuming and every type of analogy that touched on anything to do with the stomach, heart and lack of vocabulary when I saw her was disgustingly true. She made me feel special and motivated me to communicate more, taught me what the truest sting of jealousy felt like and eventually broke up with me because she emotionally cheated with someone else.


    That was only a 6-month relationship, but it took me almost two years to completely get over her. This love was uncontrollable, volatile and so very fucking exciting. It was like a drug, so much that we would spend every night together even if it meant driving home to gather all my things and making the drive to hers after work spontaneously.


    I look back now and realize that a lot of red flags had gone unnoticed or ignored just for the sake of keeping the big feelings alive. She manipulated me and told me we couldn’t be girlfriends until I officially classified myself as a lesbian as being bisexual wasn’t good enough. She would force communication from me even if I wasn’t ready to talk. She held my past against me and sometimes downright bullied me for personal details. She loved to make me jealous with talk of her ex-girlfriend and all the things they’d do together – while that ex fed into it and was most definitely still in love with her. She played us both.


    I haven’t had that electric feelings about anyone until very recently meeting a man on Hinge who was searching for a poly add-on per say. That’s probably not the healthiest way to describe it, but it feels that way a little – not intentionally. He gets his cup filled mostly by his wife, I would be the a-la-carte option of a ‘fun, outgoing emotional connection’. He’s looking for an emotional connection that can go deep and of course the physical.


    When I started getting back into the dating apps I was purely looking for sex and found that putting out that energy attracted dirt bags and all of them ended up hurting my feelings for different reasons. Then he came along and spoke of emotional support, consistency, romance and safe boundaries. All things the men prior would have probably run away from should I have brought it up as part of the arrangement.


    This man texts me daily and gives me positive affirmations when he senses I need a little reassurance or even unprompted. He can read a room very well and picks up on shifts in energy- It helps that he is a therapist. He talks deep and asks me deep questions. On top of all that he is incredibly sexy and our desires and libido align beautifully.


    He’s fucking trouble is what he is.


    I am starting to feel those feelings that I had with Meredith back 9 years ago; electricity that I can’t ignore or subdue. Though this time I’m not concerned about an exorbitant amount of red flags, but the fact that he is poly and moving next year.


    First off, I feel shame around the fact that I just exited a five-and-a-half-year long relationship just this past December, though it was dead in the water for a while, lacking any romantic connections for most of the last year, I feel guilty for even considering any level of relationship with anyone. I feel like a child that can’t be alone, but I also can’t ignore these feelings and stick to my boundary of staying completely single until I move next April. That’s right I am moving too!


    It’s a little contradictory pre-grieving over a relationship that is doomed to end when I knew that getting into it. I came into this with boundaries and voiced them from the start, as did he – but now I feel I’m setting myself up to get my feelings hurt in 11 months because I know these feelings have a strong potential to get deeper.


    I wonder how he would feel if I had another partner on the side – I know obviously supportive, but how would he feel about it? Maybe having another partner on the side will help me distance a bit, split my emotional ties so it doesn’t feel too strong with him especially since he has an entire other person involved. Part of me hopes he’d feel sad about it and not want to share me with anyone – a hybrid of my monogamous conditioning and the feelings that are developing too quickly for comfort. Maybe I’m thinking about that additional partner because of my avoidant attachment style from an emotionless upbringing; not getting too connected as to not be let down.

    It’s hard not to develop these feelings when he is so freely being vulnerable with me about his. He tells me how he won’t go anywhere as long as I want him to stay. He’s telling me that he has the best of intentions and wants to offer me all of these things, “Romance, Fun, Containment [whatever that means], Connection, Curiosity, Exploration, Adventure.” And then, “There’s more. You’ll see.”

    You says the sweetest things that I honestly have never heard before in my relationships (bitter fucking sweet note there).

    “I got lucky finding you. You meet so many needs already. I appreciate that so much.”


    “I’m protective of you.” And the “Please, let me know when you get home”s.

    And what takes the cake:


    “I feel really lucky that you gave me a chance. I have lots of love and lots of fun to give and I genuinely want you to have it. I want you to know that I came into this relationship with so much intention even before we met. So, I’m here and I’m not going anywhere, ok? So as far and long as you want to hold me – sound good? Just stay being honest and authentic and I promise you the same.”

    Uhm okay, so accept me for exactly how I am and you won’t leave me? Motherfuck-How do I not get connected deeply to this?

    Here are some of his sexy messages that put me in an upward dopamine spiral for days:

    “Good because if you didn’t notice, I also like kissing your neck. We can do things like just touch, no penetration and try to get you to come that way is totally something I am up for when you want. I certainly don’y have to cum every time. I’d rather you climax first anyways.
    I can do all those things [of which I listed in my prior text]. I love all of it. What gets me going is eye contact. If you are moaning while looking in my eyes I melt. You’re also going to have to call me papi [yes you’re reading that right] when you are cuming while I’m inside of you, ok?”

    And:

    “I really like the build up. I’m really big on foreplan but before that I really want to make sure to be slow and intentional. I’m talking like ASMR slow. Gives me time to figure out your sweet spots and where you like being kissed and touched. I’m excited for when we see each other naked for the first time. I’m excited to go down on you (my personal fave). I really like the initial slow and gently approach to understand each other better, then getting freakier and progressing into being less gentle as time goes on.”

    So now you see what I have going on. Unfortunately, this is the healthiest of approaches I’ve ever received coming from my family background and perpetuating the patterns I learned from that – including my last relationship. With that being said all of these romantic and comforting affirmations, consistency and follow-through feel like crack. I’m getting a dopamine high off them and it’s making the connection deeper, and faster.

    My therapist says that’s it is okay to let my inner child have this, to learn and grow from it for as long as I can. To experience true and genuine emotional connection. My heart is scared to see where it will be next year. I’m by no means ‘doing this for the plot’ as kids say, more so hoping that it will give me the opportunity to revise some of the beliefs I learned from my past.


    Relating it back to my first girlfriend and pulling this altogether – the depth of the connection that I established in that relationship was based off of being heard and learning crucial foundational elements of strong communication. Even with how toxic that relationship was, I developed my first skills into establishing emotional grounding within myself. I was able to experience feelings and talk about them in complexity, break them down and have them be really heard and validated – even if sometimes she brutally forced it. Being in a woman loving woman relationship as well created even deeper understanding of my ‘mommy problems’. I let her teach me about my body and embrace my femininity.


    I know these two relationships are very different, though they share some very big elements. We’ve got the learning and growth of course, but the knowing that this relationship will break my heart just like she did just in a different way. I’m okay with it. I believe that sacrificing a whole heart for a while when this is done will be worth the experience of having a grounded, real and accepting relationship. Feeling wholly accepted for who I am and how I show up, being truly heard and validated, encouraged to share and experience depth below the surface…I can’t pass that up for anything.

    My heart has been sad for so long taking in cheap connection, both emotionally and physical. I want to breathe in my own skin and have another person be there to witness and support it. I want to experience emotional safety and feel easy to hold. I want all these things more than not wanting the heartbreak that will come from it. I’m willing to take the leap, and I guess we’ll just see how it goes from here.

  • “Short-Term Relationship”: How it has fucked me good and bad.

    If you haven’t seen my prior posts then the skinny is that I just ended a 6-year long relationship with a woman (I am a woman) in December and began casually hooking up with men in February to explore my sexuality again. I have now slept with 5 guys in a 2-month span.

    Over the course of all this time, I have learned quite a lot about my body (Hello, having to worry about STDs and pregnancy all over again) and what it’s like to experience men in my 30’s after my last run-in being when I was 23.

    I have been exploring the then and now comparisons and how age plays a part, my sexual needs from men compared to women, and most of all how to communicate with this entire other species after having it easy for 6 years with a woman who knew the ins and outs of my whole life and could relate to me on so many different levels men just can’t.

    Starting this journey, I looked up hook-up culture on TikTok to see what the girlies were up to and how they were approaching it. I was shocked to see that all the girls were swearing against it and harshly. Some of the comments on each were forgiving where women were saying “friends with benefits can be great and healthy and yada yada”, but the actual content was all against.

    I was shocked because I assumed that there would be tons of women out there posting about their fulfilling hook-ups, situationships and friends with benefits that I could really benefit listening to stories, but no – it was quite the opposite.

    I remember messaging my best friend telling her that I feel like hook-ups can be super healthy (I was in the midst of guy number 4 – see below- and in a sexual daze before I realized who he was outside of bed). I was telling her, “These girls are all against, but if there isn’t a risk for catching feelings why can’t sex be a healthy thing amongst friends who are on the same page?”

    As I started to move through guy number 3,4,5 – it all started to make more sense to me.

    Out of these 5 men:

    • 3 provided me with really great sexual experiences.
    • 3 were defensive regularly
    • 2 walked me to my car/home after hanging out.
    • 1 came prepared with his own condom.
    • All 5 need to go to therapy before considering long-term relationships.
    • & all 5 made me cry at least once.

    I’m writing because guy #5, the only one left up until tonight, was the last straw. It took me five guys to start to ask myself – ‘is hook-up culture for me?’

    The first guy, I had hooked up with a few times and it was easily the best sex I had ever had. Everything was great, that is until he no showed one night even after texting me up to the last 30-mintues telling me he was on his way (after being hours late already) and updating me on how far he was out. He decided to take a spontaneous detour to get stoned at his friend’s house and fell asleep. I had cleaned my entire apartment, put on makeup, and waited for way too long for this man until I realized he wasn’t coming. When I told him I was upset, he gave a weak apology followed with an excuse.

    The second guy would breadcrumb me (just learned that terminology – thanks Tik Tok) and then ghost me when I would ask ‘what time?’ to his ‘let’s hang out today’ texts. When he did end up showing up, we had the best time – I really loved being around him, but when I called him out on his lack of time management and poor communication (gently asking him to respect my time) he snapped at me so loudly and harsh that at that point I knew I couldn’t see him again.

    The third guy fucked me really well, asked me to do something a little advanced the following day over text and when I confided that I would need to take it a little slower he said that it was now ‘too complicated’ and bid me farewell.

    The fourth guy was my most consistent because it was *chefs kiss* and he played into all my fantasies…but the first time we spent real time together outside of my apartment he picked me up in his truck and when I hopped in he said, “Oh god, I’m going to have to check my suspension – you just moved the whole truck jumping in.” He proceeded to nit-pick me the entire night until I snapped at him to shut up or he wouldn’t get laid (I was really horny-don’t judge me for staying lol). He then turned inward, got defensive and pouty saying, “this is just my personality, but I guess you can’t handle it”.

    Then the fifth guy. In bed I would ask for different positions that made me feel good – he would do them for *literally* 5 seconds before he would change back into a position he enjoyed more. The time before, I told him I was about to cum and then he came two seconds later, walked away to grab a towel before plopping down on my bed and telling me how tired he was. I called him out on all of this and instead of acknowledging or apologizing he said, “I thought you came (referring to both nights). I didn’t realize you’ve been having such an unpleasant time.” Words I didn’t use, but ones he felt appropriate to deflect on what I was actually saying – genuine communication around what I need.

    I did in turn explain to him what the cues are for a woman’s orgasm as a little nugget of passively condescending advice that I genuinely think he needed to hear from someone – because how the fuck could he have thought I came either one of those times.

    My pussy swiped left so hard – bye bye.

    In summation, my feelings had become deprioritized for their comfortability.

    So tonight, after getting into my car (he did not walk me there and a homeless man jumped out of a bush and scared the shit out of me – so cherry on top), I cried so hard I had a panic attack. I then proceeded to scream in intervals on the way home.

    Scream for the rage I had built up over the course of these two months feeling like I had signed up to be used by these men all because I put “short-term relationship” on my dating profile.

    Regardless, I think I’ve experienced enough sex and am ready to put my feelings in a jar for someone who can take care of them the right way.

    …

    I feel sad.

    I feel a twinge in my gut for all the confrontation I had during the ‘break-ups’, for lack of better words, that I aimed to be cordial, but took turns into uncomfortable territory.

    I feel uncertain because some of these boys were really good at gaslighting my feelings and making me feel as if I was in the wrong.

    I feel scared that perhaps this is just what the dating world is like, regardless of my relationship request status.

    I feel sad.

    I feel sad.

    I feel sad.

  • Understanding My Body at 30: A Post Break Up Health Epiphany

    I feel like I’m late. Late figuring out how my body works, and how it’s been operating all this time without my knowledge. Ironically, my period is extra late in result.

    Funny enough (and where it started) I got an IUD and a fertility test in the same week.

    I spent about a week researching IUDs to pick the best one, then I spent the rest of the week researching my new PCOS diagnosis from my follicle / AMH count from the fertility test. A diagnosis that explains my irregular periods that every PCP told me not to worry about and that it was completely normal. Though common – not normal, I hate them for that.

    Not only do I have PCOS, but during my IUD appointment I had a pap done at the same time, spontaneously as just like a ‘why not?’ only to find out that I have a high-level of precancerous cells on my cervix and that they need to do a biopsy and most likely a LEEP procedure – though I tested negative for HPV. My doctor is confused.

    As you might imagine I’m processing, and my cervix is fucking pissed from the IUD and now this biopsy.

    How long have I had PCOS and not noticed the symptoms? How long have I had these precancerous cells – my last pap came back normal just two years ago. False negative? What is happening?

    On top of all this, recently I realized that I want to have kids – not now, but when I’m 35+. With this LEEP procedure it shaves off a part of my cervix and with PCOS it makes conceiving extra intentional. If I have a second LEEP procedure down the road the difficulty increases.

    I keep thinking that If I was still in my last relationship that I most likely would have never sought out this information. The IUD wouldn’t haven’t happened, therefor the pap wouldn’t have happened since I wasn’t due for one. The fertility appointment wouldn’t have happened since I knew she didn’t want to have kids, which means I wouldn’t have learned about PCOS.

    I would have cruised under the radar for who knows how long.

    Sometimes I make myself nervous. Initially for not exploring my true wants and desires and staying with her too long, letting myself be discontent. It impacted my need to explore my sexual health.

    I feel like I have been in a two-month long sex-ed/women’s biology class that I didn’t realize I very much needed.

    What feels sad is when I discussed all this with my mom, she didn’t have any answers either – in fact she freaked me out with her biopsy procedure she had 30 years ago saying it was ‘traumatic’. Funny/not funny enough she told me that story the day before I found out I needed one myself.

    Every time I think about all of this, I feel a twinge of sadness in my heart at the possibility that maybe a baby might never happen for me, especially if I wait 5-7 years like I had planned. What could happen in those years that make my chances even smaller if I didn’t realize I was already carrying two burdens now at just 30.

    I didn’t realize how much it meant to me until I let myself actually explore it. Being with her the last 6 years and knowing she didn’t want a baby or even to get married, I almost let myself stay concrete in her choices because I wanted us to be together. I remember I would feel guilty about questioning it because it would be me going back on my word to her that, that wouldn’t change.

    It wasn’t until we broke up and I realized that everything was a possibility that I began to open myself up to exploring it even if I had conditioned myself to repress it. I let myself think about it, like really think about it. I watch my couple friends with their kid, my other friend doing it alone, watch my brother with his three kids struggling financially – looking at very difficult sides of parenting vs really beautiful moments understanding that there will always be both.

    If we hadn’t broken up, I wouldn’t have explored being with men again and would have really missed out on how my body could feel, experiencing different types of sex and penetration. I wouldn’t have felt sexually liberated to try new things. I would have kept feeling small.

    I would have kept feeling small.

    I would have kept feeling like my wants, needs and desires were not worth exploring – not allowed. I would have kept smoking copious amounts of pot, letting myself watch hours of TV and play hours of video games, let myself stay cooped up at home scared of interacting with other people, reading my smut books and living through their experiences – wishing for my own.

    I would have been perpetuating an unhealthy, unsatisfied lifestyle.

    I know I’m processing and admittedly having a hard time with it, but I still pick now. I pick figuring out my PCOS and these precancerous cells and the symptoms of this IUD then to ever go back there again.

    I pick having really great sex with multiple guys who teach me new things about what I like, don’t like and what I want to ask for.

    I pick the confidence I’ve gotten from throwing myself into uncomfortable, social situations and seeing my personality grow and expand in a way I really didn’t know existed.

    I pick now, even with the hurt and confusion.

    I pick now for me, then and now.

  • The Biological & Gender Shock of Re-Introducing Sex with Men after 7 Years.

    If you’ve been reading my stuff, you know already that I have been sleeping with a lot of guys lately. For quick context, I just recently got out of a six year relationship with a woman where for most of the time there was a severe lack of sexual intimacy.

    Getting out of that relationship, I wanted to experience men again and being 30-years old now with a new perspective, 10 years of therapy, and liberated by all the wonderful changes I’ve already experienced – I’ve been going a little wild. There have been many guys, good & bad & neutral, and plenty of journal entries highlighting all my favorite moments for my future self to look back and be proud of.

    With all my new…experiences, I’ve compiled some observations.

    Sleeping with men after 7 years of being strictly with women has been an entire gender shock for me. I’ve had to look at sex from a difference, more serious, lens in terms of biology and risk mitigation. Then of course there’s personality differential between the sexes and navigating communication and emotional connection differently.

    I’m going to preface this entire post by saying that these notes are based solely on my own personal experiences over the course of the last 2 months with various sexual and non-sexual partners.

    The solo mustaches and fish pics are SO real. Just wow. More just an observation here.

    No condoms.

    First off, just the topic of protection is foreign to me considering I’ve been with a woman for 6 years and we were not concerned for STDs or pregnancy, but I was absolutely gob-smacked at how a lot of men do not carry condoms with them or even have them at home. It’s as if they are in the same boat – coming out of a gay revelation into exploring heterosexuality.

    I’m starting to put it together that condoms are stigmatized more than when I was 23 and last had sex with a guy.

    The words “Feeling Protector” has come up too many times to feel comfortable.

      I’m curious if it’s because abortions have become more normalized (even though the legalities haven’t) that men don’t have the same fears they did back then at accidentally conceiving. It also makes me think that they think abortions are a quick, easy thing for women’s bodies to go through – or if they care at all about the bodily trauma.

      I recently tried ‘the [infamous] pill’ and that was awful for a full month just getting used to elevated levels of Estrogen and Progesterone in my body on top of the spotting for a week and knocking my period completely off it’s cycle.

      When that failed I decided to get an IUD, which fucking hurt and now I’m spotting all over again and it’s been over a week of cramping.

      Having sex with men has opened up my eyes that it’s really up to us women to figure it the fuck out.

      Talking about feelings is like pulling teeth. I bet you all can imagine that in a woman-loving-woman relationship we talk about our feelings a lot. We’re in-sync with how our bodies and hormones work. The girlies that get it, get it.

      Thinking that I could be open with men just the same was a big mistake. I will say my situation is different than if pursuing a relationship in that I’m primarily seeking physical intimacy, however it’s been quite tricky to just understand someone’s emotional intelligence at the surface. I like to warm up a little bit and understand the nature of the person I’m about to sleep with.

      I’ve had men get highly defensive and shut down entirely to questions like, “When was your last relationship?” and “Oh you’re on the road a lot, does that get lonely?”. One man snapped at me for asking him to tell me about why he bailed on me one night we were supposed to meet up (mind you, I came at with no intentions of being combative).

      They don’t ask questions.

      I know it’s a normal thing based on my Tik Tok algorithm of women talking about it, but what the fuck is that? I will ask them question after question – mostly trying to stay relevant to the goals of our hang out but notice they never ask any questions back, as if they don’t care about my experience even though it’s a mutual arrangement.

      Is it nerves? Is it ADD/ADHD? Is it truly that you don’t care?

      They really do love to just ‘teach’ us, don’t they?

      Yes, sir I know why my bathroom door won’t close.

      Yes, sir I know the purpose behind why pets should get a dental cleaning regularly.

      Yes, sir I’m so aware of how to submit a maintenance request for my broken dishwasher.

      The first guy I had sex with off the bat spent a solid 30-mintues telling me about geopolitics and why religion is the way it is.

      The last guy spent a good amount of time giving me pointers on every answer I would give him about nutrition and protein intake.

      There’s more but I stopped listening.

      I have never received so much pointless, unsolicited information in such a short amount of time.

      Lastly (for now), the oral sex.

      I have been with a lot of woman partners to have experienced getting eaten out in quite a few different ways and styles. There’s angle, sucking, blowing, edging, soft kisses, hard kisses, side-to-side, finger & tongue play, etc;

      So far out of the 4 guys I’ve slept with only 2 really knew what was up and made me come with their mouth, but a common theme amongst them all has been the noise.

      I think in porn women learn that men like their oral sloppy, right? They have probably assumed the same for us? That might be in some women’s interest – won’t yuck someone’s yum – but a trend I’ve seen is that they do not get embarrassed about the sloppy sounds of lips on lips in fact, I truly believe it’s a goal at this point.

      Personally, not interested in the dramatics – I know my pussy is wet.

      What I have appreciated though is that each guy I’ve been with so far has been open to direction – something that wouldn’t have flown back in my early days of getting with guys in college.

      They listen and are appreciative to the direction and I fucking love that.

      In summation, I’ve had more positive experiences than bad and overall I’m happy that I it turned out that I’d be exploring men all over again in my 30s. Where I am mentally; the work I’ve put into myself and knowing exactly what I want and need and most importantly how to communicate it has made this experience liberating on a few different levels.

      The shock of understanding and connecting with men is still on-going. Every new guy I meet and/or have sex with is a fun new experience and I learn something new about my own body and preferences. I so appreciate them for that regardless of my points above – though the condom thing I won’t get over, still bat-shit crazy to me.

      More to come.

    1. Exploring Hook-Ups: Casual to Primal Needs

      For the last two months since having intentional short flings & hook-ups with various men, I’ve started to melt toward more levels of connection. Maslow’s 3rd level of need is love and belonging and although I couldn’t really ask that of these men formally, nor would I want to, I found myself leaning toward that direction like a plant to sunlight.

      I’ve been in this studio apartment for three months now and it’s the first time I’ve lived alone in quite a few years. I’ve always prided myself on my independence and lack of need for other people to fill my cup, but I was ignorant from the comfortability of being fulfilled in other ways and not realizing all that I had been missing.

      I am officially in this ‘hoe phase’, as people like to call it, with the expectation of seeking after the physical elements of what a man can bring since being with a woman these last six years. The expectation being sex and only sex.

      After time went on with having these guys in my bed, I realized that I began to crave hugs, being squished, and face-on-skin contact. I would bury myself in their arms and neck, pulling myself closer into them as much as I could. When cuddling wouldn’t happen, I’d feel robbed even though it technically fulfilled my ask.

      I got confused for a moment because I thought perhaps that need surfaced from feelings bubbling up, but after some time really thinking about it I truly didn’t/don’t have romantic feelings for any of these men. I would never seriously consider dating any of them.

      I realize that just as sex is important, physical touch is essential for me to feel regulated and emotionally fulfilled.

      I love the relaxation of noticing my heart rate decrease with slow deep sighs. The softness of his bicep under my cheek as I pull his arm into me in a hug, or when he grabs me in a small burst of tightness before releasing.

      I’d flip around eventually and tuck my face in the space between his collarbone and neck, nuzzling in as I wrap my legs between his and pull in tighter letting any extra excitement writhe beneath the surface as I press myself into him.

      We would talk a little bit about easy things, sharing perspectives on light topics and laughing. We were comfortably warm and found the perfect position. I realized after this that this was exactly what I needed, sometimes even more so than sex.

      Now that I’ve been experiencing a lot of new things, things that I now crave even more, it’s been making the need feel more primal. Instead of just wanting it, I feel I need it. With that need a new feeling bubbled up – fear. Fear of not having it, not being able to obtain it, a lack mentality.

      It was something I had always needed, but only just realized.

      In the beginning of this entire journey, I began to go to Swing Dance classes. I think originally it was because I just like to dance and try new things, but over time I would find myself seeking out classes when I was feeling lonely or sad. Of course, the conversations that would come from this community were fulfilling in their own way, but it was the craving of physical touch that I started to realize was prevalent every time I asked myself why I would gravitate toward it. The holding hands and being close to someone in an almost a hug.

      I guess I didn’t want to admit it because it sounds fucking sad, but after time I’m just beginning to come to peace that this is what being a human feels like when you don’t have a long-term committed person in your life to fulfill these needs when you want them. My prior relationship didn’t actually offer a lot of this, it was primarily a friendship for the last year or so, so now that I’m back into it, I feel as though every need is heightened after getting a taste of it.

      It’s as if it’s brand new. Like it’s my first time. Like I had been so hungry for so long and I hadn’t realized it because I frankly just got used to it.

      As I move through my days, I feel this perpetual want. I’m always wanting. For the last two months since the first time, I’ve been with a guy it’s been a tidal wave of feeling unsatiated, even when I’m completely satisfied in the moment. It’s ongoing and almost endless.

      With the sex and now this physical intimacy, I’m just feral for the connection.