Hello Coco : A diary

Tag: sex

  • one horny text later…

    If you didn’t read my last post you definitely should start there. the comparison between then and now, which was just a mere 6 days ago, is wild and I can’t help but laugh

    Sunday morning I reached out to my ex (we will call him Alex) that I broke up with 3 weeks ago.

    “I want you to fuck me. i want you to pick me up and fuck me in your truck” (classy right?)

    We broke it off because I was in a polyamorous relationship with a man i’ve been seeing for 6 months and alex learned pretty late in that he just didn’t feel he could get deeper with me because of that. He didn’t feel he could feel safe and secure knowing there was another person in the picture and He didn’t realize this all until after we broke up. I was incredibly unsure and anxious about where we stood – he was being inconsistent and distant; hot & cold. i couldn’t take it anymore. during our closure conversation, everything came out and i watched him actively process his feelings. he expressed having deeper feelings, but got scared knowing that he would have to share me and thought perhaps I would end up leaving down the road.

    I was heartbroken because i had invested quite a bit of vulnerability and effort into him. after it was all said and done, I reflected that this was the first relationship where i broke up with someone and i really truly didn’t want to do it – i really liked him.

    two weeks after we broke up though and I couldn’t help myself. I laid in bed thinking about our sex life (as I had done many times since we broke it off) and impulsively sent that text. I laughed to myself because this is so me…making jump decisions in the heat of a moment. I prepared myself for no answer and laughed it off as time went by with no response until it finally came through,

    “stop it, i just had a dream that we were fucking in a restaurant.”

    Next thing i knew we made plans for that night. the energy in the text messages that followed until we met up were met with so much flirtation and excitement to see each other. I noticed immediately that he was more expressive in his texts, more bold and daring than ever before.

    i changed my outfit about 50 times before that last text came in, “I’m outside when you’re ready”.

    …

    i take a deep breathe in the elevator on the way down. i wonder what it will be like seeing him after two weeks – will he be himself or a new person that we’ve created for this friends with benefits arrangement. i picture both sides and mentally prepare myself for the latter just in case; feeling my heart drop into my stomach at the thought.

    I step out of the lobby and onto the sidewalk looking both ways for his truck and then I see him standing near his taillight with his hands in the pockets of his cop uniform. my lips immediately tip upward at the look of his usual smile. Relieved, i walk into his arms for a hug and then he pulls away and gives me a quick kiss before opening up the truck door as he usually does. I think i opened this door maybe once on my own and it was because it was raining and we were rushing for cover.

    I do the thing i always do. as he is shutting the door behind me I catch his eyes – though usually i would stick out my tongue, make a funny face or my most appreciative smile – this time i gave him a smile that said, ‘i’ve missed this.’ he returned it right back and my entire insides were squealing watching him smile as he rounded the front of the truck. fuuuuck.

    shit shit shit. this was supposed to be light, friends with benefits, and here I am stupidly wishing he decides to hold my hand like he would always do without fail. he doesn’t and something in my chest sours slightly at the realization.

    As we are catching up, I distract myself with any possible topic that i could muster up that’s relevant to the almost 3 months we’ve spent together – ‘how are the dogs?’ ‘how is work-did you get that promotion?’ ‘how is the family?’, etc;. As he answers, I passively keep reminding myself that we can’t have each other.

    i’m with another man (we’ll call him Gio) in an ethical non-monogamous relationship. Though we are more surface level considering we only see each other for approx 10-12 hours a month, the discomfort of breaking that off is considerable. He told me he loved me 2 months ago and though i don’t believe i can return the feelings considering the nature of our relationship, crushing his (or anyones for that matter) feels really diffiult.

    alex starts to pull into a park. it’s quiet, dark, and maybe has 3 streetlamps and enough trees to be secluded enough from the road. we look at each other and smile before he leans in and we just full-on make out. we fuck in the back of his truck and between the laughs of adjusting and taking each others clothes off while hitting the windows or roof, we’re smiling and he says, ‘i’ve missed you.’

    few moments later, he says ‘lets get taco bell’ and jesus fuck i was on cloud nine. we get dressed and slide back into the front seat with more laughs and even a short competition to see who can get there pants on the fastest with minimal room (i won) and then he did the thing – he grabbed my hand and held it the rest of the way to taco bell (romantic right?) and then on over to his house for the night.

    we sat down for a scary movie, went up to his room for bed and had sex before falling asleep cuddling the entire night. i’m really enforcing these friends with benefits boundaries…but i have no self-control.

    without any expectations or plans for the next day we spend it fucking, cuddling, eating, playing Halo, watching football, and fucking more. what ended up being my most favorite part of this whole stay was after we took a shower together. I bundled up in his sweat pants and hoodie as we laid on the bed, moving into weird angles subconsciously like we were talking on the phone with a crush in highschool.

    regardless of how we were laying, we kept eye contact and talked about life – our relationship before we broke it off, where we are now, sex, etc; – just connecting. I had this overwhelming surge of affection and excitement thinking about what this could be like if we gave it a real chance. I laid there processing this live…outloud with him.

    that day was so wonderful that i felt i had to write about it. I want to hold on to this memory and keep it forever, even if it doesn’t work out with us and it all goes to shit. It was the perfect day.

    cut-to the rest of the fucking week and my heart is aching and i mean gut-wrenching ache. I wanted this with alex, and i also knew that gio will never mean anything more to me than what we have now. Over a fuck ton of journaling and just sitting, doing nothing and processing It occurred to me that I was doing the same thing to gio that alex was doing to me. attempting to hold on to something that in my heart I couldn’t completely commit to due to the dynamics of it all. I didn’t see gio enough to form a strong bond, and the other half of this ENM relationships is that Gio has a wife and a kid- a full-ass family. i couldn’t see myself getting to deep with someone i couldn’t have a future like that with. he already had one of his own, but i stuck around because i enjoyed his company.

    it was all a big loop.

    I broke up with gio last night and though it was really really difficult and took a few hours of tear s and conversation, i knew it had to be done. what is absolutely wild though, is if i didn’t impulsively text Alex none of this would have happened. I would have continued to coast with gio for the sex and company, and never allowed myself to be fucking real with where my heart is at. I’m sure it would have came eventually. but who knows if i would have missed out on alex by that time.

    life can change so quickly, but life really changes the most when you push it forward and make those decisions. Follow your gut instincts and take risks. Alex and i are discussing what a relationship could look like, while i concluded a relationship that was holding me back in other ways.

    in 6 days my whole life just shifted all because i was horny and decided to just send the text.

  • polyamory and Fwb with an ex -eek?

    In about 3 hours, I am about to open a friend with benefits door with a man I just got out of a 2ish-month relationship with because he was emotionally avoidant toward the end. said plainly, but there’s actually a lot more to it.

    we dated for a little over 2 months and it was going well until it wasn’t. I noticed that i had started to feel anxiety, not really knowing where his heart was because he wasn’t readily showing it without me asking for reassurance. I told him that it was causing issues and that if he couldn’t open up more than we wouldn’t be able to see each other. we ended up breaking up. 1 week after, we had a really great closure conversation discussing attachment and where he was at considering my polyamorous lifestyle. He realized he couldn’t feel safe and secure with someone practicing ENM. he needed monogamy.

    Cut to-2 weeks later and I’m laying in bed feeling an extremely absurd amount of horny. mid-heated moment with myself, i impulsively text him,

    “i want you to fuck me right now.”

    10 seconds later…

    “I want you to pick me up and fuck me in your truck.”

    about 30 minutes later i receive a text back,

    “Shut up, i just had a sex dream about me fucking you in a restaurant.”

    And that was it! That is all it took for me to continue the conversation, and we agreed that we would meet up tonight. The day passed with a few steamy texts and the sexual tension and anticipation rising. I kept asking myself the same question over and over, ‘How are you feeling about this?’ and ‘Are you positive?’

    the answer kept coming back as yes.

    i’ve been seeing this other man for the last 6 months now, twice a month. he has a wife and a kid (also ENM), and so his schedule is pretty tight. sex…twice a month. that might be okay for some, but for me – for those who know me – it’s definitely not enough.

    I am a very sexual person. I enjoy sex on so many different levels. Of course it feels good and there are many many many…many different way to get off but it’s also the human connection. the skin-on-skin contact. the human connection that i so love and crave. the long hugs from aftercare are the sweet spot.

    so when asking myself this question over and over, that kept playing in my mind. the comfort of comfort. i know him, he knows me, and we’re both good people who just aren’t meant to be together romantically – so, why not in this way? At least until he meets someone new since he said he doesn’t want to do another ENM relationship again (too much work lol).

    I begin to ask myself more questions…

    ‘Do i kiss him when i say goodbye?’

    ‘do we hold hands in the car, when he picks me up tonight like we always used to?’

    ‘how do i feel about those things and do I feel like they will cause confusion for me?’

    I’ve had 2 weeks to process our closure talk. I feel very grounded in the decision that we cannot and will not work on a romantic level due to the anxiety i experienced, and how he wasn’t able to meet the needs i explicitly asked of him – to text me every day, to say sweet things unprompted, to get deeper with me in intimate conversations, etc; these are not small.

    Do we feel like understanding and digesting that he can’t do those things for me will submerge any and all feelings when we have sex tonight?

    if feelings do come up – will i be able to handle those independently? I suppose I’ll find out.

    but isn’t it crazy how one impulse, one text, one conversation can lead to so many dominoes falling into a whole other relationship dynamic. moments like these remind me that we are really crafting our own reality. Any decision can push us into a different chapter of our lives without us even thinking about it!

    I’m saying that is what is happening here, but sorta! choosing who you spend your time with, who you share your body with – in whatever capacity – is a switch in your reality. you’re saying, ‘hey, i want my current situation to alter where you are involved and we can exchange energy for who knows how long.’

    me getting deeper and deeper into dance and committing to multiple classes per week, at-home practice, going out to socials, etc; tells my reality, ‘hey, we’re switching things up. She really loves to do this now, so we’re going to make it a regular thing which means interacting with like-minded people, moving our body in strange new ways, and expressing ourself differently’.

    That’s huge.

    I’m making so many stimulating changes in my life and each one i’m hoping is positive and leads to another. I’m not sure if me opening up this door with him is going to be positive – my gut instinct says that it will be – which is comforting, but you never know what might happen.

    so, here i am sifting through my next big decision cautious, excited, and most of all proud of myself for allowing me to follow my instincts, my desires, and overall listen to how my body feels in this new energy.

    Whatever happens though, i will be okay and more decisions will come that will set me on the right path forward.

  • A Needy Libido

    Ever since I began taking Wellbutrin, broke up with my last partner, and set off on a ‘glow-up’ as the kids say, my libido has skyrocketed leaving my horny to an unbearable level.

    I actually make the joke to myself that, “it’s a problem” because of how often I masturbate even daily. Sometimes my clit won’t even feel the vibration anymore and I lay there disassociating for a minute. That’s when I know I need to touch some fucking grass.

    Writing that out makes me feel embarrassed, like this a red flag I should be managing. A dopamine addiction perhaps? When my ADHD brain craves dopamine, it usually latches on to food or shopping. Since experiencing sex with men this year after 7 years with women, It sparked an entire sexual revolution inside me to have more, do more, experience more.

    My fantasies have gotten deeper, more descriptive, and have become a need to explore rather than just a curiosity. I’ve dipped into possessive talk, exhibitionism, public sex, threesomes with two men, mistress/master, and bondage fantasies. The idea of being dominated and told that I’m a ‘good girl’ would have left dropped my jaw to the floor just over a year ago.

    What really sparked the flame was the books I was reading last year. Haunting Adeline and Her Soul to Take ignited kinks in me that I didn’t know laid dormant.

    It wasn’t until I found myself single, on a drug that is known to increase libido, pushed myself through losing weight and putting effort into my appearance, fucking all sorts of men to find my groove, and then finding a secure attachment in a poly lifestyle that I started to feel like, “damn, I can do anything if I just…did it.” Including all my fantasies.

    I mean I have the grounded-ness of being poly/ENM with a man that I adore, I am exploring what it could mean to have multiple partners which is freeing in itself, I have resources to explore kink communities and advocate for what I want to try…

    The only thing that is stopping me right now in this moment is the concern that sex has become so wanted, so needed that I’m having a hard time separating it right now. Don’t get me wrong I am also ovulating and hoo nelly watch out, but I find myself concerned.

    How much sex is too much? Is 6 months of sexual exploration too long? Is masturbating twice a day literally okay for my vagina (like girl, you good?)? When do fantasies go too far, kicking me back into 1950s sexism sub vs dom? When does it become a habit vs. a treat?

  • Polyamory & The Polycule: My Complications

    I went on a date this morning with a man that asked me, “So, how long have you been in the lifestyle?”


    I felt a little embarrassment for sharing that I was quite new to it, I think for fear of being perceived as inexperienced and thus maybe too much work – too complicated.


    That probably stems a little from a guy earlier this year who vetoed our friends with benefits set-up due to the fact I haven’t had much sex with men for 7 years considering I was in a relationship with a woman for a long while. It got too ‘complicated’. In fact, the observations of most men when I tell them this is generally hesitation.


    I can understand that in a certain lens of him knowing exactly he wanted. He wanted a girl that could deep-throat his dick (mind you, it is large) and I wasn’t up for the job, at least not at that time. I was just re-learning how to give a blow job again – hello.


    I understand Polyamory is a whole other beast than learning how to move past your gag reflex and learning sex with men again, but the common theme for me these past 5 months has been ‘inexperience’, so admitting to another one gave me the cringe as I told him the truth.


    We had spent hours talking; casually looping in details of our current partners, sexual needs, and other tidbits of ‘lifestyle’ information that would help determine our compatibility.


    It occurred to me as we were talking that finding another partner to join this ‘Polycule’ I stumbled into wouldn’t be easy business. Not only do I need to find them attractive, communicative, and emotionally aware but they needed to be vetted by basically everyone in my current polycule based on STI results, status, and at a frequency that is relative to any additional sexual partners that come into play.


    This guy told me he has his wife, one woman that travels into town once a month, and could seek an additional partner outside of me if we moved forward. His wife is also seeking partners. That is 3+ people I would be adding in, just to hook up with this one guy regularly.


    On top of that he shared his wife has herpes flare ups (tested positive). Which means that I would of course need to relay that to the entire team – yes, that’s what I’m calling them now- and get their stamp of approval first.

    This is nothing like what I was doing in the beginning of the year meeting guys on Tinder and just hooking up with them. It was a very dangerous and I’m lucky I came out of it clean, but I did very minimal work compared to this. I also had very limited emotional connection, communication, and genuine intimacy with those men.


    I would never go back there, but I’m really just starting to process through exactly what I got myself into.


    When the date ended I walked away feeling more overwhelmed and confused. He checked the boxes of attractiveness, communicative, and emotionally aware however the multiple partners, FWB attitude, and his wife’s results made me think, “oh my god, is this too complicated?”


    I’m sitting here reflecting on this inexperience complex thinking sad about how I might be too complicated for others while also considering the same for him being too much. I realize in this moment that it really isn’t about me – other people’s version of ‘complicated’. It’s their emotional and physical bandwidth. How much are we willing to give? Is it worth it? What is the fucking ROI here?


    Perhaps the deep-throat guy was like, “if this is too much for her, maybe my other needs won’t be met.” If someone was to not want to move forward with me because my inexperience of polyamory it could be that they don’t have the mental space to walk through it, perhaps they just got out of a similar situation and it was draining. Perhaps they have an insecurity of committing for someone to realize the lifestyle isn’t for them?


    I’m sitting here thinking about my date in a similar, but opposite way, “This is a big commit for me when I’m already going through so much and I just got into this other relationship a month ago. It might be too soon to consider complicating things further.”


    My date texted me just a moment ago saying he had such a nice time and how he was hoping to kiss me, but couldn’t read it. Why do I feel guilty? As If I’m letting down the world by sharing my feelings.


    I’ve been asked on many dates in the last few months and have exercised all sorts of no’s like, “I’m seeing someone”, “I’m not dating right now”, “I’m moving in a year” – I’ve had clear and easy outs that would make anyone say – “yeah that makes sense”.


    Not to say my reason, that I can’t handle something like this right now, doesn’t make sense, but that it’s a new one for me and giving that reason when I’ve heard it a few times this last few months makes me nervous to make the other person feel the way I did. Complicated.

  • Healing My Inner Child and Still Choosing Heartbreak

    I think the last time I was this attracted to someone it was my first girlfriend back in 2014-2015. [We’ll call her Meredith] She was this magical unicorn of a person that when I saw for the first time, I instantly gravitated toward her. The energy of her attention was all-consuming and every type of analogy that touched on anything to do with the stomach, heart and lack of vocabulary when I saw her was disgustingly true. She made me feel special and motivated me to communicate more, taught me what the truest sting of jealousy felt like and eventually broke up with me because she emotionally cheated with someone else.


    That was only a 6-month relationship, but it took me almost two years to completely get over her. This love was uncontrollable, volatile and so very fucking exciting. It was like a drug, so much that we would spend every night together even if it meant driving home to gather all my things and making the drive to hers after work spontaneously.


    I look back now and realize that a lot of red flags had gone unnoticed or ignored just for the sake of keeping the big feelings alive. She manipulated me and told me we couldn’t be girlfriends until I officially classified myself as a lesbian as being bisexual wasn’t good enough. She would force communication from me even if I wasn’t ready to talk. She held my past against me and sometimes downright bullied me for personal details. She loved to make me jealous with talk of her ex-girlfriend and all the things they’d do together – while that ex fed into it and was most definitely still in love with her. She played us both.


    I haven’t had that electric feelings about anyone until very recently meeting a man on Hinge who was searching for a poly add-on per say. That’s probably not the healthiest way to describe it, but it feels that way a little – not intentionally. He gets his cup filled mostly by his wife, I would be the a-la-carte option of a ‘fun, outgoing emotional connection’. He’s looking for an emotional connection that can go deep and of course the physical.


    When I started getting back into the dating apps I was purely looking for sex and found that putting out that energy attracted dirt bags and all of them ended up hurting my feelings for different reasons. Then he came along and spoke of emotional support, consistency, romance and safe boundaries. All things the men prior would have probably run away from should I have brought it up as part of the arrangement.


    This man texts me daily and gives me positive affirmations when he senses I need a little reassurance or even unprompted. He can read a room very well and picks up on shifts in energy- It helps that he is a therapist. He talks deep and asks me deep questions. On top of all that he is incredibly sexy and our desires and libido align beautifully.


    He’s fucking trouble is what he is.


    I am starting to feel those feelings that I had with Meredith back 9 years ago; electricity that I can’t ignore or subdue. Though this time I’m not concerned about an exorbitant amount of red flags, but the fact that he is poly and moving next year.


    First off, I feel shame around the fact that I just exited a five-and-a-half-year long relationship just this past December, though it was dead in the water for a while, lacking any romantic connections for most of the last year, I feel guilty for even considering any level of relationship with anyone. I feel like a child that can’t be alone, but I also can’t ignore these feelings and stick to my boundary of staying completely single until I move next April. That’s right I am moving too!


    It’s a little contradictory pre-grieving over a relationship that is doomed to end when I knew that getting into it. I came into this with boundaries and voiced them from the start, as did he – but now I feel I’m setting myself up to get my feelings hurt in 11 months because I know these feelings have a strong potential to get deeper.


    I wonder how he would feel if I had another partner on the side – I know obviously supportive, but how would he feel about it? Maybe having another partner on the side will help me distance a bit, split my emotional ties so it doesn’t feel too strong with him especially since he has an entire other person involved. Part of me hopes he’d feel sad about it and not want to share me with anyone – a hybrid of my monogamous conditioning and the feelings that are developing too quickly for comfort. Maybe I’m thinking about that additional partner because of my avoidant attachment style from an emotionless upbringing; not getting too connected as to not be let down.

    It’s hard not to develop these feelings when he is so freely being vulnerable with me about his. He tells me how he won’t go anywhere as long as I want him to stay. He’s telling me that he has the best of intentions and wants to offer me all of these things, “Romance, Fun, Containment [whatever that means], Connection, Curiosity, Exploration, Adventure.” And then, “There’s more. You’ll see.”

    You says the sweetest things that I honestly have never heard before in my relationships (bitter fucking sweet note there).

    “I got lucky finding you. You meet so many needs already. I appreciate that so much.”


    “I’m protective of you.” And the “Please, let me know when you get home”s.

    And what takes the cake:


    “I feel really lucky that you gave me a chance. I have lots of love and lots of fun to give and I genuinely want you to have it. I want you to know that I came into this relationship with so much intention even before we met. So, I’m here and I’m not going anywhere, ok? So as far and long as you want to hold me – sound good? Just stay being honest and authentic and I promise you the same.”

    Uhm okay, so accept me for exactly how I am and you won’t leave me? Motherfuck-How do I not get connected deeply to this?

    Here are some of his sexy messages that put me in an upward dopamine spiral for days:

    “Good because if you didn’t notice, I also like kissing your neck. We can do things like just touch, no penetration and try to get you to come that way is totally something I am up for when you want. I certainly don’y have to cum every time. I’d rather you climax first anyways.
    I can do all those things [of which I listed in my prior text]. I love all of it. What gets me going is eye contact. If you are moaning while looking in my eyes I melt. You’re also going to have to call me papi [yes you’re reading that right] when you are cuming while I’m inside of you, ok?”

    And:

    “I really like the build up. I’m really big on foreplan but before that I really want to make sure to be slow and intentional. I’m talking like ASMR slow. Gives me time to figure out your sweet spots and where you like being kissed and touched. I’m excited for when we see each other naked for the first time. I’m excited to go down on you (my personal fave). I really like the initial slow and gently approach to understand each other better, then getting freakier and progressing into being less gentle as time goes on.”

    So now you see what I have going on. Unfortunately, this is the healthiest of approaches I’ve ever received coming from my family background and perpetuating the patterns I learned from that – including my last relationship. With that being said all of these romantic and comforting affirmations, consistency and follow-through feel like crack. I’m getting a dopamine high off them and it’s making the connection deeper, and faster.

    My therapist says that’s it is okay to let my inner child have this, to learn and grow from it for as long as I can. To experience true and genuine emotional connection. My heart is scared to see where it will be next year. I’m by no means ‘doing this for the plot’ as kids say, more so hoping that it will give me the opportunity to revise some of the beliefs I learned from my past.


    Relating it back to my first girlfriend and pulling this altogether – the depth of the connection that I established in that relationship was based off of being heard and learning crucial foundational elements of strong communication. Even with how toxic that relationship was, I developed my first skills into establishing emotional grounding within myself. I was able to experience feelings and talk about them in complexity, break them down and have them be really heard and validated – even if sometimes she brutally forced it. Being in a woman loving woman relationship as well created even deeper understanding of my ‘mommy problems’. I let her teach me about my body and embrace my femininity.


    I know these two relationships are very different, though they share some very big elements. We’ve got the learning and growth of course, but the knowing that this relationship will break my heart just like she did just in a different way. I’m okay with it. I believe that sacrificing a whole heart for a while when this is done will be worth the experience of having a grounded, real and accepting relationship. Feeling wholly accepted for who I am and how I show up, being truly heard and validated, encouraged to share and experience depth below the surface…I can’t pass that up for anything.

    My heart has been sad for so long taking in cheap connection, both emotionally and physical. I want to breathe in my own skin and have another person be there to witness and support it. I want to experience emotional safety and feel easy to hold. I want all these things more than not wanting the heartbreak that will come from it. I’m willing to take the leap, and I guess we’ll just see how it goes from here.

  • Partnering with my ‘Parts’ [IFS] to Experience True Attachment

    I’ve lived a life being comfortable with emotional malnutrition.

    When my mother texts me asking for a check in on how my life is going, sometimes I do give it to her – feelings and all, only to be met with ‘Good! Xoxo’. No acknowledgement, validation or deeper questioning. That pretty much sums up my experience growing up with both of my parents under the same roof and feeling big feelings live in the moment.

    This type of development has made me really dependent on myself, low maintenance, easily influenced, and surface level in deeper relationships with others. My prior relationship of almost six years ended specifically because I allowed myself to date my parents and coasted on without fully realizing it until repressed anger, resentment, and anxiety bubbled up which blew it all up – for the very best.

    I’ve been experiencing micro-relationships with men since then that have enabled that ‘low maintenance’ vibe of being purely physical and it has been liberating in a lot of ways, but triggering as well. It’s re-opened discomfort in lack of communication and emotional connection for the ability to experiment with these partners.

    Though I wouldn’t change anything about any of it, it’s brought a lot of repressed feelings up to the surface that I am now dealing with head-on. Feelings of not being heard, validated, or valued. The exiles in my parts (Internal Family Systems reference) tells me it’s my fault because I allowed it, that I let my younger self down again by allowing myself to accept more behavior like that especially after exiting a relationship that was perpetuating those patterns as well.

    I took a step back and removed those men from my life, only to be found by someone who is the complete opposite of everyone else – emotionally intelligent and self-aware, courteous, patience, considerate, affirming, asks deeper questions, asks for my likes and dislikes, checks in, is consistent, apologizes and says thank you, etc;

    My ‘Manager’ tells me to make sure I have control over how much I allow to be shared, how vulnerable I can be and maintain distance for the fear that he may let me down once again. She tells me things like “you don’t know this man yet,” “He could change his mind – be prepared for that.” “He might change his mind if you tell him something that makes him uncomfortable.”

    My manager is on high alert even more so because those men I experimented with did all of those things back-to-back and it’s still fresh after a vulnerable break-up. I shared some vulnerable feelings with them, minor ones mind you, and the second a small lick of complexity came about they bailed.

    One guy asked for something sexually that I wasn’t sure how to do – asked him for flexibility and he said I was too complicated. I asked one man to be more considerate of my schedule and to communicate, then he bailed. Another one I told that I felt our sex was one-sided and that I would prefer if he would listen to me when I communicated that I wanted something and actually follow through – he got defensive and bailed.

    So, of course I get to this man and my Manager is adulting me in ways to try and keep me safe. My Firefighters are distracting me in my day-to-day life so I won’t think about him and make me feel even more dependent on him. My Exiles are reminding me that I could get hurt from him even if so far all he is showing is green flags.

    Both my anxious and avoidant attachment styles are coming up to the surface, and on higher defense to ensure that this next dive is as safe as it can possibly be considering where my heart has been recently.

    When I ground into my ‘Core’ self, I feel appreciated and affirmed by him. He tells me that he wants to see me. When he senses a mood shift, he asks about it and validates my feelings. He lets me ask questions and he answers transparently and openly without hesitation. When we have sex he asks what I like and follows through. He checks in unprompted and gives details, stories, and personal information that will let me learn more about him before following up with asking me questions on the same topics.

    As I write all of these things down my Exile can’t help but to say, “those things should always be expected. These are bare minimum traits.” and in turn makes me feel a little shame for allowing myself to not have them sooner – for settling for people who couldn’t give me the basic emotional nutrition that he is providing to me.

    My Core self tells my Exile that it’s okay that I’m just now experiencing it. That experiencing it now and learning from it is better than never at all. That it is not my fault that I’ve slipped into patterns as long as I recognize them now and do what I can to deviate. That my inner child can trust that I’m doing the work to make her feel secure and protected. I’m doing my very best.

    My Manager is there for me when I need her and so is my Firefighter. So long as there is balance between my parts and acknowledging their purpose, I can move forward and learn to experience what this feels like. I can learn that living in lack does not need to be forever and given the opportunity to care for someone who is giving me stable attachment is such a big deal!

    It is okay if I have not experienced it before. It is okay to let myself experience it now and give in to the beautiful feelings that come up from it. It is okay to nourish myself in vulnerability and emotional connection. It is okay if I stumble through it and it’s a little messy. It is okay to give him trust. It is okay to go beyond the surface and let myself feel, emote, share and receive all of these things back.

    It is okay if this doesn’t work out too.

    My Manager might feel scared to lose control for the fear that this nourishment will be short-lived. My Exile might want me to hold on for dear life that I never lose it again, fear that I will mess it up and then I will once again be without it. My Firefighter might want me to distract myself from him so that I can find distance and distraction from my exiles or pull away altogether so that I won’t let him let me down.

    I think for this to really work out and let myself experience this type of emotional connection then I need to balance out my parts and allow myself to think about ways to monitor the mindset of ‘lack’.

    If it doesn’t work out with him there will be others that can give me these needs.

    If it doesn’t work out with him at least I was able to experience something truly positive and affirming for my healing journey.

    If it doesn’t work out with him then I have my Parts to help me navigate through it. I have a support system, therapy and my writing to walk myself through any possible triggers and things I’ve learned or perhaps things that I realized I want to work on or unlearn.

    If it doesn’t work out that is okay. I can catch myself.

    If everything ends up being okay, then I will have experienced very beautiful things. I will have experienced what genuine connection, and vulnerability can feel like in a secure attachment. I will have learned about myself from a different frame of light and heal elements of my inner child. I will know what it is I truly want and need and build a foundation from that to grow upon.

    It’s worth the dive, and I tell my Parts to let me try.

  • Emotional Deprivation: Finding Balance in Connection

    The relationship started off very strong and it lasted a total of five and a half years. It was the most healing of relationships coming from growing up with a lot of emotionally avoidant and one-sided relationships, including those of family and friends. It healed parts of my heart and broke others in a way I didn’t know could be.

    It was safe from expectations and common gender norms of getting married, having babies and any pressures that went along with how we’re conditioned to be in heterosexual relationships. Being with a woman meant I didn’t need to worry about birth control or explaining my body and hormones. This woman in particular didn’t want to have kids or get married; she only talked about buying a condo downtown someday. I knew this about her from day one, and it felt freeing to live that way – not looking for the traditional commitments especially at 24 years old.

    When we initially discussed dating she had a list of non-negotiables, with those points listed. The list kept growing as our relationship continued on and instead of it having that free feeling, I felt trapped into a life that someone only factored themselves into.

    After a long time of ‘going with the flow’ and leaning into most of all her preferences, I started to become angry. When I’d speak up about how I felt, it was a debate. Getting her to go to couples therapy was disheartening, and she tried to use her schedule to de-prioritize that and many other things that mattered to me and I wanted her to be there for.

    The romance dwindled and she joked once that it was because she had me now. The last year of our relationship I started to have even more conversations about how I felt and her solution was to throw money toward ‘date nights’ where we would go out for a fun activity and either not talk, or talk about her work or her family drama. Watching her eyes glaze over after asking me about my day made me both enraged and frozen in disappointment.

    Growing up in an emotionally avoidant household where my family did not talk about feelings and invalidated mental health, I had become very used to swallowing my words. There wasn’t one conversation where my parents apologized for anything, and speaking up for myself was followed with a ‘watch your mouth.’ My dad’s military background enforcing a ‘suck it up’ mentality that only perpetuated the repression of the traumas I began to experience moving around frequently, experiencing loss, and the harm I inflicted upon myself cutting, burning and having unsafe partners. I didn’t feel like a whole person, like I lacked personality, and I wasn’t allowed to ask for what I wanted or needed.

    I realized after quite some time that I was letting her do the same thing to me. She didn’t hear me and instead manipulated situations to her preference. If I didn’t want to do something or changed my mind because my heart wasn’t in it, I would become an inconvenience to her. The times I had brought up my feelings around our intimacy, she would gaslight me into saying that nothing was wrong. Out of the times we’ve been together we had a strong intimate interaction a mere handful of times. The rest of the time she was on a different plane of existence, leaving me alone to figure out how to feel good. I would ask for things in the moment and out of it, and they never would come. I would try to dive deep to understand but was met with surface level responses.

    I was dating my parents and didn’t realize it until it was too late.


    It wasn’t until we had broken up that I moved out that I realized I have been living in a state of deprivation. Deprivation of core needs that the coping mechanisms/firefighters from my nervous system covered up for comfort and familiarity.

    Here I am 4 months later reflecting on everything I have done exclusively for myself since. I stopped wearing sweatpants, smoking pot, watching TV as much, and staying home on the weekends. I began to go out and make connections with new people. I began dancing 2-3 times per week, something I had always wanted to do but didn’t have the motivation or self-esteem to take the leap. I got Lasik and started taking care of my body again. I got back on antidepressants and saw all my doctors to make sure everything was okay – something if I hadn’t done could have led to cervical cancer down the road.

    Then I took a major leap and decided to get to know men again. I had boundaries in place that would make my ‘adventures’ with these men purely physical. An experiment. It worked out pretty well for a while. I had small situationships with five different men (safely and honestly) and was liberated by the attention, affection, and most of all my voice in all of it. I had started to feel liberated in my feminity, and most of all found the joy in sex again which was a very deep emotional realization for me being in the gay community for so long. It sparked pride in me that I’ve truly come a long way since I was in my very early twenties; holding true to my boundaries, asking for what I wanted, and eventually calling these men out.

    I felt like a strong pillar in those moments, standing up for my younger self ten years later. All of those men ended up letting me down in all sorts of different ways than I imagined they would. It seemed the expectations I provided perhaps made them think they didn’t owe me any respect, which eventually triggered a few things for me that I worked through with ease and the help of therapy and my support system.

    Why I am writing this in the first place is because considering everything I’ve been through and where I’m at exploring, I stumbled into something that has triggered something in me that I’m trying to make more tangible, something I can grab, analyze and hopefully learn from.

    Of all the men I’ve experienced these last four months, I haven’t felt a real threat. I always felt in control, minus those triggers. Now I’ve stepped into something entirely different where it does feel threatening – feelings.

    This man is emotionally intelligent, an excellent listener, romantic, considerate, consistent, and perceptive. We’ve been talking for a few weeks and only met up once so far, and I feel feelings. Feelings I agreed I wouldn’t feel. Feelings that are bringing up more triggers and my anxious/avoidant attachment styles to the surface. Mix that with polyamory and a sprinkle of jealousy and wow am I in trouble.

    Living in a state of deprivation and lack for a long time. It can be something you just get used to and you adjust your standards to it. The men these last 5 months were just that. They were hot and we had fun, but everything else was a complete fucking mess. A mess I was fully expecting. This new man is unfortunately so great, that I remembered how malnourished I’ve been.

    It snapped something inside of me – perhaps the anchor that was keeping me grounded in avoidant comfort. This ‘roster’ mentality in the tone of feminine liberation.

    He’s telling me that he likes me, my feelings are valid, asking deeper questions, asking me what I want and giving it to me, giving me consistency and answering every question I have with transparency.

    What’s happening is I’m reacting to in a way that comes from lack. My anxious attachment wants the reassurance. Then when he texts and says something I can’t interpret as busy or lack of interest, my avoidant side comes out and wants to stop texting him altogether. Prove to myself that I don’t care or that he doesn’t affect me.

    It’s as if both are pushing and pulling me simultaneously and I’m stuck in the middle trying to figure out what to do about it.

    I want him. I want continuous attention and affection. That isn’t something I can ask for from him completely considering our situation. When I don’t get it, I want to pull away to protect myself. I don’t believe the problem is the nature of our situation so much is the healing in my heart from regulating my nervous system around giving and receiving emotional connection. If I was more regulated within myself, then I wouldn’t need someone else to fill anything up that I can’t myself.

    So, how do I create this habitat for my heart to live in independently and lovingly?

    I always thought I was pretty independent when in truth my ‘independent spirit’ is a protective barrier around genuine connection. Because I haven’t had a lot of genuine connection, it feels raw to experience it and know how to hold it with balance. Balance of holding myself up and letting another assist when I need it. When it comes down to one or another, I generally over lean into holding myself up even if done in unhealthy ways.

    How do I find the balance between the affection and attention I ask from him and the affection and attention I supply for myself?

    Do I struggle with giving myself that to the degree that I need?

    If so, what’s holding me back from that?

    Is it that I’m not present and intentional enough to be in my body and experience life?

    Is it that with every text, Instagram reel, snapchat photo that my dopamine reservoir is only filled up with him not leaving enough room for my own?

    Maybe that’s been the case these last four months with all these men – allowing them to fill my tank with compliments, sex and short-lived cuddling.

    What can I do for myself to provide more sustainable dopamine and affection that comes only from me (while also managing my ADHD)?

    Is it eating healthy, exercising, reading, writing, walking, laying in the sun, traveling, dancing, etc;? Is it self-talk, affirmations, mantras, meditation? Is it creating reliable, real, platonic friendships? I suppose those would be the ‘whole foods’ of dopamine, versus the ‘fast food’ type that can be received in other ways like leaning into sex too much, alcohol, drugs, impulsive spending, going out all the time, etc;

    Boys have been my main vice recently – sex and the affirmations I receive from them. Before I was dating this last woman, boys didn’t really look my way. I was quiet, guarded, insecure, and didn’t know how to express myself with my appearance. I never spoke up for myself and asked for what I wanted. This left me with guys who preyed on that and saw it as an opportunity to get what they wanted no questions asked. I was so lost and deprived from genuine connection that I did all I could to lean into it and find it with these men. More than once I walked away with tears in my eyes, but I kept doing it – searching and hoping.

    So, meeting this person who feels secure – it fucks with me. I want it, but don’t know how to hold it. If I do hold it, how do I determine when to let it go or give myself space without it. I feel I know the answer is to hold myself equally if not more, but it feels so hard.

  • The Dynamics of Jealousy in Non-Monogamous Relationships

    Me being on a sexually explorative journey these last now four months, I’ve now found myself exploring polyamory with a man (let’s call him Seth) I met just two or so weeks ago.

    He’s married and has a kid. His wife has a long-term boyfriend that seth has never met before. His wife would never meet me as per the arrangement, nor hear about anything sexual that happens between him and I and vice versa.

    The context is that they got married for the baby that they had shortly after just starting to date. Later they found out that they weren’t completely compatible which opened up their marriage into ‘Ethical Non-Monogamy’ or ENM for short. A term I had never heard before I swiped right on his Hinge profile.

    The first time we met, Seth and I, we discussed all sorts of deep topics one of which being his jealousy. He told me that he still struggled with it, regarding his wife going out and dating this other guy even though he’s still completely supportive of it.

    It started to really make me feel about my own patterns of jealousy, but now a few weeks later I’m starting to experience some.

    I felt it when he told me that him and his wife were going to watch some TV together one night. Another time when he told me he massages her to sleep most night.

    It’s not that I’m jealous that he has her, but I think more that, that was something I used to have a long time ago and feel deprived of now. Seth has been checking every single box of mine since I met him, so the emotional connection has been connecting. Between that and the jealousy it was hard to pinpoint what exactly was going on beneath the surface since my initial intentions were to be more casual.

    I’m starting to believe that Seth is so great that I’m creating an anxious attachment from the realization that I have been lacking this type of intimacy for a long while now. It’s like overcompensating for the relationship I just got out of 5 months ago – I have a taste of something genuine, safe and intimate and now I’m addicted to it, or so that’s how I think I feel.

    With the other guys I’ve been with these last 4 months, I didn’t have this issue at all. Maybe a little bit with one guy because he made feel some type of way with our PDA and physical touch that it sparked up something in me that wanted that connection more – it let to a small emotional tether that was then snapped off because he wasn’t in a good space.

    I have had these boundaries though. I was only searching for casual, fun and enlightening as it relates to learning more about my body and preferences. Then I meet Seth who is emotionally intelligent, smart, caring, considerate, and of course sexy. He texts me every day and considers my feelings each time regardless of what we’re talking about. He asks me questions and is attentive. He’s strong and feels safe. He’s present and hears me when I talk.

    These are all things that weren’t present in the last year of my prior relationship. I grew avoidant, smoked lots of pot, acted impulsively, didn’t take care of my body or mind, and slept a lot. I wore sweatpants everywhere.

    Getting out of that relationship was one battle won but now interpreting how my heart and mind repair and act when given those needs once deprived feels accessible… it’s eye-opening and scary like I’m a little bit out of control.

    Why? Because I feel I am developing an anxious attachment out of prolonged feelings of lack. Maybe the ‘lack’ is what I need to work on to walk through this. Maybe it’s finding his qualities in friendships so that I can diversify it, not holding it so heavy with one person – as it should be.

    I don’t really know what I’m doing or how all of this will pan out – the relationship and my mental health – but I’m excited to try and be vulnerable doing it.

  • The Product of a High Libido and Nowhere to Go

    She grabbed the rope tied in two bunny ears and looped the first one around her left wrist as he picked up the strings of the second and looped them around her right, tightening her hands behind her back gently.

    Turning her around he smiled sweetly, the dimples poking out from both sides of his cheeks. He began brushing soft kisses along her collarbone and trailing them up to her neck, letting a small gust of breath tickle her ear. The shivers up her spine were followed by a burning heat. A little fire deep inside of her ignited as she closed her eyes.

    A light sensation brushed the peeks of her nipples, his finger swiping them slowly through her black cashmere top that delicately hung off both of her shoulders. Just one tug and she would be exposed to him and from the throbbing that began to pulsate, she wanted him to rip it off altogether. He didn’t though. Instead he pulled down from the center of the collar slowly until both breasts popped out from on top, the warm summer wind from the open window stimulating them into a full juicy plump.

    Opening her eyes she gazed down just as his tongue began to swirl on top of her, flicking and sucking. The wetness of her in full bloom and a small whimper releasing uncontrollably, begging to be satiated. His smile returned at the sound, pleased with himself and pleased with her for obeying.

    Without much though she began to collapse her knees to the floor, arms still bound neatly behind her propping her breasts forward as she lifted her chin to him expectantly. Releasing his cock from behind the zipper he stroked it without taking his eyes off hers and then hungrily offered it to her. Her pillowy lips pursed around his tip, letting saliva coat them until she wrapped all the way around slowly. Enjoying the feel of his thick cock taking up space inside her finally, she moved him inside her sensually. Her eyelashes tilted upward to catch a peak of his entrancement just before his eyes rolled back while she took him in deeper and a guttural moan escaped her.

    His hips began curving inward, helping himself into her mouth gently and in rhythm with her sighs of satisfaction. She was enjoying this more than him. Using only her mouth; the rawness of the ropes pulled at her wrists created a euphoric cosmo of pleasure and pain. She wanted more.

    As if knowing exactly what she was thinking, he removed himself and lifted her up from her knees and onto the couch where he bent her over his lap. Rubbing her ass softly, the room erupted in one swift slap – a spanking that would leave the most rewarding mark. Rubbing again softly he spanked again, then again, and then one final time before tucking his large fingers into her slowly, drowning them in her cum.

    Slowly moving in and out of her, he could feel the walls of her orgasm tighten around him just before speed took over his motions. Pushing his finger right into the tiny spot of pleasure she so desired, he fucked her. Hard. A flood of ecstasy erupted from inside her, spinning him out into lust for what it would feel like to feel himself inside of her fully.

    Delicately, he lifted her so that he was behind; shrouding her in his muscle as he tucked his arm under her head for a pillow and grasping her hips with his other hand. She begged. Begged him to move inside her. The feeling of his cock sliding up and forward, pressing perfectly in formation to her, left them both unhinged in primal need to just fuck. Without any sense of self, he pounded inside of her while her back arched taking him in fully and without any hesitations to his length.

    She released and then he did, the ropes loosened and their sweat dried sweetly, letting them fall asleep completely comfortable as the wind brought in warm juniper and dogwood from just outside their window.

  • “Short-Term Relationship”: How it has fucked me good and bad.

    If you haven’t seen my prior posts then the skinny is that I just ended a 6-year long relationship with a woman (I am a woman) in December and began casually hooking up with men in February to explore my sexuality again. I have now slept with 5 guys in a 2-month span.

    Over the course of all this time, I have learned quite a lot about my body (Hello, having to worry about STDs and pregnancy all over again) and what it’s like to experience men in my 30’s after my last run-in being when I was 23.

    I have been exploring the then and now comparisons and how age plays a part, my sexual needs from men compared to women, and most of all how to communicate with this entire other species after having it easy for 6 years with a woman who knew the ins and outs of my whole life and could relate to me on so many different levels men just can’t.

    Starting this journey, I looked up hook-up culture on TikTok to see what the girlies were up to and how they were approaching it. I was shocked to see that all the girls were swearing against it and harshly. Some of the comments on each were forgiving where women were saying “friends with benefits can be great and healthy and yada yada”, but the actual content was all against.

    I was shocked because I assumed that there would be tons of women out there posting about their fulfilling hook-ups, situationships and friends with benefits that I could really benefit listening to stories, but no – it was quite the opposite.

    I remember messaging my best friend telling her that I feel like hook-ups can be super healthy (I was in the midst of guy number 4 – see below- and in a sexual daze before I realized who he was outside of bed). I was telling her, “These girls are all against, but if there isn’t a risk for catching feelings why can’t sex be a healthy thing amongst friends who are on the same page?”

    As I started to move through guy number 3,4,5 – it all started to make more sense to me.

    Out of these 5 men:

    • 3 provided me with really great sexual experiences.
    • 3 were defensive regularly
    • 2 walked me to my car/home after hanging out.
    • 1 came prepared with his own condom.
    • All 5 need to go to therapy before considering long-term relationships.
    • & all 5 made me cry at least once.

    I’m writing because guy #5, the only one left up until tonight, was the last straw. It took me five guys to start to ask myself – ‘is hook-up culture for me?’

    The first guy, I had hooked up with a few times and it was easily the best sex I had ever had. Everything was great, that is until he no showed one night even after texting me up to the last 30-mintues telling me he was on his way (after being hours late already) and updating me on how far he was out. He decided to take a spontaneous detour to get stoned at his friend’s house and fell asleep. I had cleaned my entire apartment, put on makeup, and waited for way too long for this man until I realized he wasn’t coming. When I told him I was upset, he gave a weak apology followed with an excuse.

    The second guy would breadcrumb me (just learned that terminology – thanks Tik Tok) and then ghost me when I would ask ‘what time?’ to his ‘let’s hang out today’ texts. When he did end up showing up, we had the best time – I really loved being around him, but when I called him out on his lack of time management and poor communication (gently asking him to respect my time) he snapped at me so loudly and harsh that at that point I knew I couldn’t see him again.

    The third guy fucked me really well, asked me to do something a little advanced the following day over text and when I confided that I would need to take it a little slower he said that it was now ‘too complicated’ and bid me farewell.

    The fourth guy was my most consistent because it was *chefs kiss* and he played into all my fantasies…but the first time we spent real time together outside of my apartment he picked me up in his truck and when I hopped in he said, “Oh god, I’m going to have to check my suspension – you just moved the whole truck jumping in.” He proceeded to nit-pick me the entire night until I snapped at him to shut up or he wouldn’t get laid (I was really horny-don’t judge me for staying lol). He then turned inward, got defensive and pouty saying, “this is just my personality, but I guess you can’t handle it”.

    Then the fifth guy. In bed I would ask for different positions that made me feel good – he would do them for *literally* 5 seconds before he would change back into a position he enjoyed more. The time before, I told him I was about to cum and then he came two seconds later, walked away to grab a towel before plopping down on my bed and telling me how tired he was. I called him out on all of this and instead of acknowledging or apologizing he said, “I thought you came (referring to both nights). I didn’t realize you’ve been having such an unpleasant time.” Words I didn’t use, but ones he felt appropriate to deflect on what I was actually saying – genuine communication around what I need.

    I did in turn explain to him what the cues are for a woman’s orgasm as a little nugget of passively condescending advice that I genuinely think he needed to hear from someone – because how the fuck could he have thought I came either one of those times.

    My pussy swiped left so hard – bye bye.

    In summation, my feelings had become deprioritized for their comfortability.

    So tonight, after getting into my car (he did not walk me there and a homeless man jumped out of a bush and scared the shit out of me – so cherry on top), I cried so hard I had a panic attack. I then proceeded to scream in intervals on the way home.

    Scream for the rage I had built up over the course of these two months feeling like I had signed up to be used by these men all because I put “short-term relationship” on my dating profile.

    Regardless, I think I’ve experienced enough sex and am ready to put my feelings in a jar for someone who can take care of them the right way.

    …

    I feel sad.

    I feel a twinge in my gut for all the confrontation I had during the ‘break-ups’, for lack of better words, that I aimed to be cordial, but took turns into uncomfortable territory.

    I feel uncertain because some of these boys were really good at gaslighting my feelings and making me feel as if I was in the wrong.

    I feel scared that perhaps this is just what the dating world is like, regardless of my relationship request status.

    I feel sad.

    I feel sad.

    I feel sad.