Hello Coco : A diary

Tag: Single life

  • breaking the spell

    I love that my prior post was about a love spell. It truly was. I was under a fucking spell with that man. He was everything I had wanted, but it was the wrong time. he couldn’t handle conflict and having an emotional conversation and after him bailing twice, I promised myself that I will not ever let someone make me feel that way again. So, the spell has been broken. I grieved like no other for a solid month. when it happened (over text because he’s a coward), I, admittedly enough (almost embarrassingly) was…wailing in my car. So distraught and scared to not have him in my life. I was beginning to love him and picture an entire future with him. The breakup happened so suddenly as if not just one rug but an entire rug STORE got dragged out underneath me and with the WORST carpet burns.

    Silly analogy, but really – I have not mourned a breakup so hard since my very first love back in college. The link though is that they never had the real opportunity to work, I just wanted it to. The breakup back then was a tox relationship, as this one was turning into one. Why do those hurt the worst? Because my anxious attachment flared so hard during the relationship and emotional validation from breadcrumbs was like a drug?

    I know now that it was as if I was trying to prove to myself that he would change and work on himself only to be devastated by my own unrealistic expectations for a man that already showed me who he was. My inner self told me so, but my heart just wasn’t ready to believe it yet. The spell.

    truthfully after ending this relationship, I had come to realize that my adult life has been full of spells. Loving, healing, fruitful, and sometimes devastating spells that have lasted 7 months, a year or even one 5.5 . After that epiphany another one brutally smacked me in the face. I haven’t been alone (without a romantic or sexual relationship) in probably a decade at this point. I had always dated. I believe the longest I’ve ever stayed single was 6 months and that was back in college when I got that god-awful haircut and my confidence dropped by 5000 billion percent.

    It’s been 5 weeks since the breakup and i’m in a completely different, more healed spot. I’ve done a lot of ‘letter writing, but not sending’, journaling, talking about it with friends, all the normal breakup things. Then I found myself signing up for Tinder and Hinge again, not even completely sure I’m ready to dive back in.

    Laying in my bed, 2 edibles deep after a beautiful day doing nothing, I come face to face with the realization that I am currently in the uncomfortable. The place people tell me to ‘feel’ and ‘sit through’. That life lessons are coming and that I will be proud one day if I choose to sit still long enough to truly process it.

    The Hinge conversations and Tinder sexy talk has been filling a pocket in my heart that has always been most comfortable in being witnessed and shared with another. I have always had someone checking in and experiencing things with. To be noticed, appreciated, and thought-of.

    Of course I have to ask myself, what is past the discomfort? How long will it last? What do I need to do right now to get past it?

    For one, I’m beginning to realize that the scrolling, the dating apps, the chronic use of my vibrator, and the retail therapy are not letting me move on. They are keeping me in a state of cheap dopamine fog. In order to move pass this, I need to let myself move past it. As much as I hate to say it, I have to live in the quiet of my apartment. I need to feel the lonely Saturday night when my friends are busy and no one is around. The sinking feeling in my heart knowing that ‘time is ticking’, EVEN THOUGH I know I have plenty of time (it’s an internal narrative I’m trying to work through currently, but I’m giving myself some grace cause fuck it’s hard being a woman sometimes in this world.)

    I see the world for what it is too. One big distraction. I’m not even talking about marketing, ADs, consumerism and such things. It’s everything. The screens, a busy work day, the news, the devastation of our world, that time is fleeting, etc; Sitting alone in silence and trying to process your internal map with all the trillion thoughts we have…that is why I believe it does take so long to begin with just to truly process and work through hard things. Mix it with your specific vices and it’s another layer on top of the dip.

    So, really what are the things that I should be doing right now? How long is long enough to find comfortable in alone? “It’s subjective”. Everyone is different, but Jesus fuck can I get a guidepost outside of just journaling, exercising, and eating well?

    In the metacognitive world, I just want clear cut facts and direction. I want to have realistic expectations and a game plan. Tell me what to do, tell me the phases and tell me how to sit in discomfort as comfortably as possible while still doing the work.

    I’ve tried the whole deleting Instagram, the apps, putting my tv away and being intentional, going on walks, going to dance class 4x a week, working out 3x a week, eating fruits and veggies every day, drinking enough water, taking care of my hygiene and keeping up appearances for the ‘look good feel good’s.

    I feel like I’m at this point where I’m ready for the real work. Give me something tangible to work with, to work on this state of loneliness and discomfort. Is it really just time?

    I understand now that out of all of the spells in my life, this is the biggest one in need of breaking. Embodying ‘the self’, stepping out of loneliness and wanting to be wanted, and being okay with being on my own for a while.

    I try to dream up what my future self would feel like at that point. Would she feel complete comfort and at peace? Would she have more friends to lean on? Would she step into a new comfort just physically, existing without the pursuit of being witnessed by another? Will she step into a new form of self-expression now that she is only looking to please herself and no others?

    What would happen if I let myself truly heal from relationships past, looked into myself, and walked out being more at peace with where I am and proud of the intentionality behind that. She wouldn’t be lonely, she’d be energetic and electric from her friendships. She wouldn’t be scared, because she knows she has her fully and no matter what can work through anything.

    She wouldn’t give her happiness a single excuse to compromise.

    She’d be stronger than ever.

  • Post Break-Up Cause and Effect: Where Do I Go Next?

    There’s a lot we experience when getting out of a long-term relationship. We have the lifestyle shift; not saying good morning and goodnight to the same person everyday, the silence of moving into your own place, the withdrawals from your own language and inside jokes that are no longer relevant, and the change of emergency contact information digesting that they won’t be that person for you anymore.

    You start waking up alone and feeling a sadness in your heart because things are strange and different. You haven’t gotten excited about the ‘new adventure’ yet. Eventually after nights out with friends, drinking, smoking, and all other vices, you start to enjoy coming home to yourself and living inside your own head again. You notice the milk is always in the same place in the fridge and you don’t have to load the dishwasher a specific way to avoid a debate on why the forks should be separated based on their size. You come and go as you please without needing an itinerary and being on-time. You feel relief knowing you don’t need to emotionally regulate another person when your cup is empty. You begin to feel freedom and radical acceptance to your own preferences than expecting push back.

    Then you chop off all your hair, get Lasik and throw out all your glasses that always made you self-conscious. You stop wearing sweatpants altogether, and spend some money on something you’ve always wanted or that vacation you’ve been meaning to take.

    You begin to attend dance classes because you’ve always wanted to try it and you watch and smile as it flourishes into an unexpected ritual of self-care. You begin to develop beautifully platonic connections and start to feel the light come back into your body a little more.

    After some time making these leaps you find yourself asking, ‘Why haven’t I done this sooner?’. The answers to that question causes an internal rift. How scary of you to let yourself coast for so long in discomfort and without regard to your truest wants. You must have really been struggling with your internal compass. You heal some and forgive your family as you also forgive whomever made them feel like they couldn’t exist wholly for what they are – human.

    You begin to exercise and that motivates you to eat healthier, and with all the release of happy chemicals your libido kicks up. You start to fit into your old clothes and you’re feeling more confident and fulfilled on a normal day-to-day basis. You start thinking of other avenues of health to explore like perhaps your fertility, or taking blood tests to learn more about where you can improve. You lean further into therapy, start taking the medications you need, and begin to see yourself in a different frame of mind.

    With the increase in confidence you begin to assert yourself more at work in conversations and projects that stimulate you. You start to develop more of a connection to your coworkers and build on the energy to form relationships even outside of work. Your boss is telling you that they’ve noticed your hard work and your coworker is saying, “you’re a completely different person than when we first met.”

    You pick up that writing project and remember how much you love it. With your newfound confidence, you begin a blog again (after deleting several In the past for fear of judgment). With that leap you are beaming with energy from the self expression and anonymous and honest connections.

    You start to ask yourself, “What’s next?”. Your therapist says, “Make sure you enjoy it as you go instead of leaping too quickly onward. The snowball can roll slower if you want it to.” So you did just that – you slowed it down a bit, took breaks from stimulation, and made sure you touched grass every chance you could to really process and feel it.

    You begin to reflect on the decisions you made in the past and start to question if they were the right ones. Was committing to moving back home to Ohio next year really the right decision or was I acting out of fear because I was about to terminate that long-term relationship? Was I attempting to seek comfort or acceptance from my family so that we would feel bonded in a way that perhaps I needed in that moment? They’ve always wanted you to move back and leaning in perhaps provided a dopamine hit to a bond that has always been known to be distinguished quickly – that much more addicting to receive.

    Will Ohio even provide me with a good quality of life either to the same degree or more than what you have right now? Will moving back home truly bring your avoidant family closer together or are you hoping for patterns and trends to just change now that you’ve been in therapy for so long and feel you can tackle it the challenge? Why does that fall on you again?

    Most importantly, would you really survive on only 90 days of sunshine instead of the 300 you get now? What if you compromised on visiting three times a year instead of two? Will your family and friends in Ohio understand or will they be disappointed and lash out? How could you make decisions like that in such a vulnerable space? It’s okay, you were doing the best you could. Life is messy.

    If you did stay where you are that would mean that you can feel comfortable feeling at home again – not moving into this new place & lifestyle only to leave it a year later. You can stop selling your furniture and worrying about how much to save by next March. You can be open to long-term partnerships when the feeling is right. You can stick with the same dance classes and community that you’ve spent these past four months investing in. You can watch your best friends kids grow older and give them all of your love. You can stay at the job (or not!) that is reliable and pays you enough to live in a safe neighborhood by myself – something you’d potentially giving up moving home.

    What if the biggest roll of this snowball is staying put. What if you use this time to advocate for yourself at your job to move in a different direction that feels more aligned with your long-term goals. What if you start to take these HR projects even more seriously and connect with the right people on them for the right exposure and receive mentorship. If the transition does occur, you’d want to stay longer as to hold it on your resume right?

    What if you let yourself exist as single person here and then eventually, when you’re ready, open yourself up to having a truly connected relationship with a man. A man that doesn’t come from Ohio values, politics and single-lens perspectives. Imagine you find the right person here that is emotionally grounded. A person that breaks your relationship patterns and your inner child feels safe and protected with. You are happy and fulfilled completely and then intentionally start a family like you want. A family that speaks up and forgives quickly, one that allows for physical touch and sweetness, radical acceptance and candor. And warmth.

    Lastly, you’d have to ask If your future self would be excited and proud of your decisions that you’re making now as you are of your younger self taking the big risk of coming to Colorado in the first place.

    We will never know if the decision is going to be 100% correct one until we try it. Leaning into our intuition is our best bet and staying in-tune to my intuition will be the ultimate key in determining what my next choice will look like. That intuition will change the trajectory and momentum as I keep experiecing new things around me, so I can’t truly expect to know for sure.

    And the reality is, is that the snowball never actually stops. It also didn’t just start after this breakup- it has been ongoing and constantly being reshaped into what I need in that moment and time. Last year, it was moving incredibly slow because it was so small from letting myself be small. I let time ride by high on my couch because the relationship I was in sucked everything out of me. I didn’t feel like I had autonomy and a the right words to communicate it, so I held back in fear.

    Luckily the new lease term that came up sparked enough panic attacks to give me the momentum I needed to really push everything down the hill.

    Choosing where and how it moves next in terms of where home is for me and if where I am 40 hours a week will be possibly the biggest decisions I can make after the breakup. Everything in between has been highly influential and exactly what I needed to get to this point. The community I’ve joined, the passions I’ve explored, the liberation I have with my sexuality, the reflections and immense shift in my mental health via taking the time to add value into my day-to-day – add purpose, have been the stars guiding me to regaining my sparkle once again.

    Regardless of wherever I go, whatever I do and the new things I learn, I can depend on myself now to keep myself moving forward and I can’t wait to see what I choose next.

    Home. – Where will it be?
    Denver, Ohio, or someplace new? When?

    Family. – Values and boundaries.
    Kids? Commitment?
    How much time do I need for myself first?

    Lifestyle – Day-to-day purpose & self-care
    Building attunement and trust that I’ve got me
    Weight training, nutrition, mental health accountability

    Work. – Regulated and mentally sustainable
    Recruiting or HR?

    Passions. – Continuous Self-Expression
    Blog, stories & journaling lifestyle rituals- where do I want to take these?

    Experiences. – Living outside my comfort zone
    Experiencing new dance, traveling solo & learning other cultures